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It was crowded in the small cafe, mostly white people with dreadlocks planning out their ultimate frisbee schedules, and mothers in jogging outfits drinking triple espressos as they gently rocked their babies back and forth in high-tech strollers. One older man sitting in the window was chewing on an unlit pipe, and reading a dog-eared copy of The Ultimate Horse Behavior and Training Book: Enlightened and Revolutionary Solutions for the 21st Century. And there, off in the corner, at a small iron-legged table with a ceramic mosaic top, sat three men with their heads bowed in serious discussion. Had anyone bothered to look, they would have seen that it was the three great writers, Nicholas Sparks, the kid from Finding Forrester, and James Franco.
“Who’s first for critique?” James Franco asked.
“I’m first,” Nicholas Sparks said. “Obviously. I’m the best writer, so it just makes sense for me to go first. Does anyone need anything, though, before we start? I’m a millionaire, so it’s my treat. You will discover that I am as generous as I am talented at the craft of literature.”
James Franco asked for a cappuccino. The kid from Finding Forrester wanted a cup of herbal tea. Nicholas Sparks nodded. “OK, so one cappucino, one herbal tea, and one protein-infused mango-kiwi smoothie, extra protein. BRB.” Nicholas Sparks said BRB out loud. He loved words.
Nicholas Sparks returned to the table with their drinks. “You guys,” he said, “I’ve actually been thinking about it, and if you could just kick me back some money for the drinks, that would be awesome. It’s not that I can’t afford them. I’m close friends with Richard Gere, I think I can afford a round of protein smoothies. It’s more for YOUR sakes. You have to be ready to suffer for your art, and that requires fierce independence and self-reliance. And fierce independence and self-reliance means being able to pay for your own protein smoothies.” Nicholas Sparks referred to any kind of drink as a ‘protein smoothie’ the way that people in the South refer to every kind of soda as a ‘Coke.’
James Franco wadded up a $10,000 bill and threw it in Nicholas Sparks’s face. “Nicky, bro, relax, I’m also a millionaire. Also, independence and self-reliance is redundant. I learned that in my Symonims Class.”
The kid from Finding Forrester sipped his tea. “I’m a fictional character, so I don’t have any money.”
Nicholas Sparks nodded furiously. “I love that. I love fiction. That’s what I write. I write fiction.”
Everyone took out their copy of Nicholas Sparks’s story, “The Coldest Lighthouse.” James Franco went first with his critique:
“I was a little confused about why the protagonist, Benny, why he drowned at the end in a ‘swimming accident’ when all through the story you have examples of what a great swimmer he is. But maybe I just need to read it again.”
Nicholas Sparks smiled. He had a protein smoothie mustache. “You should definitely read it again, and I’m sure that you will love it even more the second time. To answer your question, Benny had to die because that is how drama works. I am surprised you don’t know that, but you’re just getting started. You are not a master of writing like I am. We should take a second so that everyone can write that down in your notebooks. ‘Death = drama.’ I also hope that when you read it, you were picturing Dax Shepard in the role of Benny, and Heather Graham in the role of Grace.”
The kid from Finding Forrester raised his hand. James Franco pulled his arm down. “You don’t have to raise your hand, bro.”
“I thought part of the pleasure when you read something,” the kid from Finding Forrester said tentatively, “was that you could imagine the characters however you wanted.”
“Oh boy,” Nicholas Sparks said, laughing in a really fake, disgusting way. “You guys are greener than I thought. No, that is an old myth made up by Charles Dickens as a joke. A reader should always know who the actors are that the writer envisioned for the screenplay adaptation of his work while they are reading the original work. That’s how you know if they get it right when they make the movie when you go see it on opening night with your whole family.” Nicholas Sparks shook his head. Hahaha.
James Franco, and his story, Paper Dolls, was up for critique next. Nicholas Sparks went first. “I like you in movies. But you are a terrible writer.” The kid from Finding Forrester agreed. Everyone agreed.
Finally, it was time to critique the kid from Finding Forrester‘s story. “You are the man now, dawg!” James Franco said, with no hint of irony or awareness. It was like that old statistical parable about a thousand monkeys typing on a thousand typewriters for a thousand years. Except it was one monkey, talking, for ten seconds. But still. The kid from Finding Forrester took out his red pen and scribbled “I am the man now, dawg–revise?” in the margins of his story.
“I didn’t read it,” Nicholas Sparks said. “I was too busy rereading some of my own books. I would highly recommend for next time that instead of everyone bringing in their own story, we just bring in my stories.”
Just then, a gunman burst into the coffee shop and shot Nicholas Sparks in the face a bunch of times. Because that’s how drama works.
The End.
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“Just then, a gunman burst into the coffee shop and shot Nicholas Sparks in the face a bunch of times. Because that’s how drama works.”
This made my laugh with every part of my body.
It caused a hemorrhage of my intestines.
I expect full compensation.
Do you know what was my favorite part?
“THE END.”
HA! April Fools!
(I am so great)
This ending isn’t realistic because Starbucks banned guns in their coffee shops to appease the brady campaign
I’m not upvoting you, I’m upvoting Starbucks.
Well then you get burned cause I was joking Starbucks didn’t actually go along with those jerks and will not deny 2nd amendment rights to citizens.
USA! USA! USA!
I can’t even remember what the real Steve Winwood looks like anymore.
Thanks, but I think that’s actually teve Winwoo
“The black kid from Finding Forrester was overshadowed my Nicholas Sparks, making him douche-colored.”
DOUCHE BUDDIES!
“Nicholas Sparks” and “douchebag” is redundant. I also took Symonims Class!
Nicholas Sparks is right, though! Whenever someone reads his books, you’re supposed to imagine the writer as being played by a gigantic douche.
DOUCHE FRIEND!
I’ll be back to write a funny comment after I get myself a protein smoothie.
I could read this all day.
WHAT A TWEEST!
The gunman
Oh dear, is Videogum 2.0 still confusing you? Y’know, it’s not difficult, you can even embed YouTube videos now.
i am getting destroyed by videogum 2.0 today. maybe i can play it off as an april fool’s day joke (taught by my mentor steve carrell).
WHAAAAAAAAAT?? YouTube in Videogum comments? Yes!
I saw what you were trying to accomplish, so I fixed your comment for you. In the future, images are embedded simply by pasting the URL for the image, no HTML needed.
Be nice(r), Capu.
Does New Videogum have a “shame” emoticon?
What about YouTube videos [I am very concerned with YouTube videos today apparently.]
Leave it to three THE WORSTS to have a writers workshop in a cafe filled with other WORSTS. As if white people with dreadlocks didn’t already give a person homicidal thoughts.
the only way to make it the worstier is to make it gwyneth paltrow’s cafe and glenn beck be the barrista.
Well serving coffee all day would help Gwyneth get rid of her hideous batwings.
This Comment seems prime for a priest-stabbing or Topher-Grace-Sucking-on-Butts (Excuse ME: BUTTZ) update
This was my most anticipated YCMIU in quite some time (because, let’s face it, we knew it was going to be about Nicholas Farts) and it didn’t let me down. Gabe wins!
“You will discover that I am as generous as I am talented at the craft of literature.”
I was very upset with this sentence and thought it was some kind of April Fool’s joke until all was set right with the YCMIU world 2 paragraphs later. Another brilliant entry!
—-FYI—-
It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned the Twitter Videogum list, so:
http://twitter.com/werttrew/videogum
Basically, this is a Twitter list following Videogum’s commenters, contributers, and a few celebrity Twitter accounts pertinent to Videogum. If you want to follow the list, all you need is a Twitter account and you can click on the follow option on the above link.
If you want to be added to the list, contact me via Twitter (@werttrew) or email me at werttrew99 at yahoo.com. There’s no criteria or requirements for being added, but let me request that you follow @Videogum on Twitter and that you give me your Videogum commenter name for my master list that matches commenter names with Twitter accounts: http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/232059116/videogum-monsters-list (If there are errors with that list, please let me know.)
And while I’m talking about my tumblr, let me also note that I’ve got on there Monsters’ Ball stats, the complete list of films covered for The Worst Movie of All Time, a guide for posting images in the comments of Videogum, and of course the Videogum Inside-Joke compendium, which has been updated recently.
In the 25 minutes since this article was published Tyler Perry cranked out a screenplay, starring Taye Diggs as James Franco, Rob Brown as himself, and Djimon Hounsou as Nicholas Sparks
Gabe, a winner is you. Forever.
I interpreted the gunman as Gabe. You know, for when the YCMIU film adaptation gets cast.
I heard my boss walking over while I was reading this, so I had to Alt-Tab back to porn. True story.
That’s only because you work in porn! Don’t try and fool us, Godsauce, we KNOW WHERE YOU WORK.
Have a good rest of the week, everyone!
I’m offline until Saturday because of the apartment move!
(Typed moments before I run all the cable equipment to my nearest Time Warner store)
You Can Make It Up: The Videogum Monsters Get “LOST” on the Monsters Plantation Ride at Six Flags
Ruggedly handsome surgeon Steve Winwood (who looks like that stud muffin from Party of 5) emerged from the wreckage of the Monster Plantation ride at Six Flags in Georgia. Apparently there was some kind of crash that left him and all the Videogum monsters marooned inside the aforementioned Monster Plantation ride.
Steve Winwood heard someone crying for help. A morbidly obese Godsauce with long curly hair was drowning in the little moat canal thing so Steve Winwood courageously dove in and saved him by dragging the fat guy to the astroturf stage thing.
Then all the Videogum Monsters upvoted Steve Winwood for being the best.
The End.
???
That is my fan fiction wasnt sure where to submit those and thought this was the place to do that
YAY!
Thanks Steve, we asked for it and you did not let us down! That was a well-earned upvote, handsome surgeon Steve Winwood.
Looks like Steve took Finding Forrester’s advice: “Punch the keys, dammit!”
So this is you?
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/173/411376958_6395bf838f.jpg?v=0
Once More
(I hope you appreciate the fact that I had to save that file to my computer and then save it to Tinypic, all FOR YOU Steve)
Also, Good job with the YCMIU, Steve. I knew you’d figure out how to Guerilla Post, Captain Question-mark.
I’m really unsure how to feel about this.
This reminds me, when are James Franco and Nicky Sparks going to critique AnAmPat’s novel about Videogum?
That should DEFINITELY Be the first book in the Videogum Book Club
As someone who works at a coffee shop, I can honestly say that if this ever happened near me I would bust a nut.
I’m guessing Stephenie Meyer got stuck in traffic?
Mormons don’t drink so she wasn’t invited
I normally don’t enjoy YCMIU that much. I recognize its prob Gabe’s only release in his dull life spent trying to please us Monsters (simultaneous sorry/you’re welcome, Gabe). I think most of my ambivalence stems from the jealousy I experience reading them. I mean, this is what I do all the time. I love can making it up about people and have been doing so since at least middle school. I was constantly writing stories about teachers and classmates throughout middle and high school just about anytime there was an open-ended writing assignment and everyone thought I was so funny and smart but all I was doing was making fun of them. People are so stupid, amirite!? If anyone had any sense of comprehension or perception, I probably would have been kicked out of school. In college and now as an adult I haven’t done this as much because I took myself too seriously/am now an adult. Now I mostly like inventing colorful mythoses for people I don’t know very well in order to justify to others why I hate them for no reason.
Anyway, Gabe gets to do this stuff every week as a (probably) fun and rewarding portion of his job and I don’t because Gabe is obviously much cleverer than I so of course I’m jealous.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this YCMIU had me dying, DYING over here, Gabe. Great job, you’re living the dream! As always: you’re the man now, dawg!
Can you share what kind of job you do for a living, guy?
I work for the Fish and Wildlife Service in my state. My job mainly consists of tracking and trapping wolf-opossum nightmare creatures who wear bow ties and hang out around children’s pizza joints with a jug band of other terrifying swamp critters. I guess what I’m trying to say it, watch out Steve Winwood.
I think you’re making up stories again….
and good. don’t stop.
I like your posts.
“C’mon honey, listen to Nicholas Sparks, he’ll help your writing so much,” said Anna Paquin. Sean Connery grumbled and threw a worn copy of Avalon Landing into the fireplace.
I wish there were some kind of a potion that would make people magically self-aware. I would put so much in Nicholas Sparks’ protein smoothies. He would probably deplete my stock of it and I would have to indure the long and complicated process of making more from scratch.
Hmm… Nicholas Sparks. I had to look him up because I had him confused with Nick Cannon. Sorry.
Anyway, I haven’t read Sparks, and I don’t like the movies based on his works, but he actually sounds like a guy who has had his fair share of bad things happen to him, and, frankly, not that bad of a guy. Maybe having an autistic son, a sister die at 33 of brain cancer, and your father killed in a car wreck at 54 (among other things) makes you want to write sappy books, who knows.
But he did donate $1.5M to Notre Dame for their writing program, and paid to have the track oval at his kid’s school remade in the spongy bouncy shit that doesn’t hurt when you fall on it.
http://nicholassparks.com/AboutNicholas.asp?PageID=1
I had a nervous breakdown, had my boyfriend of 5 years leave me, lost my job, and had my dad die of brain cancer at 48 all in the same year and a half span. Do I write like this? No excuses should be made for shit work. Dave Eggers had shit happen to him…he wrote A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Edgar Allan Poe had a HORRIBLE life…wrote some of the best American short stories ever.
Also, maybe you should read a few posts down to see his hubris in action. Man is an egotist. He names his own story as his favorite coming of age tale.
I may be slightly freaking out here, but I know so many talented authors who don’t get recognition because America has its head up it’s ass and thinks a dude like this produces quality literature. He spoon feeds emotional masturbation to middle aged women in the most palatable, bland way possible.
Okay, phew, time to take my happy pills and re-read this story to bring the LULZ back.
Sounds like a record-breaking bad year for you, sorry. Hope 2010 is a much better one!
That ending was the most satisfying ending of all time of any story, ever.
Needs more suicides.
Wait, did he seriously write a book called ‘The Coldest Lighthouse’? That is The Stupidest Title! He just threw together two emotionally provocative dum-dum words (cold, because it evokes coldness, lighthouse because it evokes kitschy ocean scenes). Argh.