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Normally, authors of books don’t fall under the purview of http://www.videogum.com. They are not in our wheelhouse, as people who use that expression like to say. But Nicholas Sparks is a little different. For one thing, he wrote The Notebook. So, you know, THE MOST DANGEROUS FAIR GAME. And the reason he made it into this month’s Duh Aficionado magazine (we should really go bi-weekly soon, we have the content) is for a USA Today profile on him on the eve of another miserable movie project Sparks is responsible for: Miley Cyrus’s The Last Song. So, it is appropriate. Man oh man, this idiot is such a jerk! For one thing, he does terrible work, NO DUH. But it’s somehow getting worse? Like, he wrote The Last Song FOR Miley Cyrus? As in, he pitched it to Disney and they got Miley on board and THEN he wrote it. Miley Cyrus even named her character herself. Good job, artists. And then listen to the nonsense that comes out of this clown’s mouth (from USA TODAY):
“I write in a genre that was not defined by me. The examples were not set out by me. They were set out 2,000 years ago by Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides. They were called the Greek tragedies. A thriller is supposed to thrill. A horror novel is supposed to scare you. A mystery is supposed to keep you turning the pages, guessing ‘whodunit?’
“A romance novel is supposed to make you escape into a fantasy of romance. What is the purpose of what I do? These are love stories. They went from (Greek tragedies), to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, then Jane Austen did it, put a new human twist on it. Hemingway did it with A Farewell to Arms.”
Just to clarify, Nicholas Sparks, author of NIGHTS IN RODANTHE, just compared himself to Aeschylus, Sophocles, Euripides, Shakespeare, Jane Austen, and Ernest Hemingway in one breath. And in case you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and imagine that perhaps he is simply tracing the development of literary history as it unfolded until his own career, there is this:
Sparks pulls [a book] off the shelf. “A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That’s what I write,” he says, putting it back. “That’s what I write.”
Motherfucker.
When asked about his favorite coming-of-age tale, Nicholas Sparks NAMES HIS OWN BOOK. And then, Nicholas Sparks, author of A WALK TO REMEMBER, levies a scathing criticism on the winner of the National Book Award, the Pulitzer Prize, and the MacArthur “Genius Grant” Fellowship, Cormac McCarthy:
“Horrible,” he says, looking at Blood Meridian. “This is probably the most pulpy, overwrought, melodramatic cowboy vs. Indians story ever written.”
Nope. No. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, except for Nicholas Sparks. He is entitled to one bright orange jumpsuit and the bottom bunk in a jail cell. I could say something about his criticism of Cormac McCarthy, but it would not beat what Roger Ebert had to say about it in his review of The Last Song:
I resent the sacrilege Nicholas Sparks commits by even mentioning himself in the same sentence as Cormac McCarthy. I would not even allow him to say “Hello, bookstore? This is Nicholas Sparks. Could you send over the new Cormac McCarthy novel?” He should show respect by ordering anonymously.
That is a ZING to remember! Roger Ebert: always the best.
Nicholas Sparks: the fucking worst. (Thanks for the tip, Julia.)
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I’d rather ask Justin Bieber for book advice.
He’d just suggest Nicholas Sparks and then bang your sister.
And then shit in your fish tank.
Even if your sister is 37. The Biebs has no bounds.
I secretly want to kiss you on your Bieber-hole.
I think Nicholas Sparks wrote a book about this.
Nights in Rodanthe WITH YOUR SISTER?
The I BANGED YOUR SISTER Notebook?
a BANG To Remember?
A BEND IN THE ok i’m done here.
Dear John, I Totally Banged Your Sister
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This guy should take a long Walk to Remember off a short cliff.
“…bitch please”
You’ve made a TRUE BELIEVER out of me!
(Sorry.)
All our conversations on Videogum turn into back-and-forth puns! Good thing I keep a The Notebook full of them OH GOD THAT WAS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER SAID
I sure am glad you were here to THE RESCUE me. I sure am THE LUCKY ONE. I hope this is THE LAST SO-(gunshot)
Remember when you found my Message in a Bottle off that beach over by the Bend in the Road and you made The Choice to just throw it away and it got ripped and all that was left was the title that said Dear John and NIIIIIIGHTS IIIIINNNNNN RODANNNNNTHEEEEEEEEEEEE
I am glad that I could get my information about the douche Nicholas Sparks from VIDEOGUM, THE SITE THAT PREVENTS 99% OF PRIEST STABBINGS IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES.
???
I believe he’s referring to this comment http://videogum.com/163472/kids-are-not-single-ladies-the-darndest-things/animals-on-film/comment-page-1/#comment-7264091
To be fair, his “books” are tragedies, although not in the way that he apparently thinks that they are.
Is that really a picture of Nicholas Sparks? I had always pictured him as looking more child-molester and less lands-end-stock-photo-dad.
“Hi, I’m Thomas Kinkade. SivartTheGreat always pictured Nicholas Sparks as looking like me. That ignorant motherfucker.”
Ron Swanson?
Is there any trade he’s NOT the master of?
I feel like this comment has inadvertently insulted one Mr. Ron Fuckin’ Swanson.
Ahhh, too slow!
Thomas Kinkade was in our local NEBRASKA FURNITURE MART while I was out of town. I feel like i missed an opportunity to spit in his mouth.
He has a mouth? I just figured he filtered in nutrients through his mustache, like baleen.
I’m laughing so hard the person in the next office just asked me what was so funny.
I hope you told them and BLEW THEIR MIND OUT OF THEIR FACE.
True story: Friends of mine went on a cruise (barf) where there was a silent auction of Kinkade paintings. They put in a bid on every painting — and won most of them. Oop$! Now they live in a house full, full I tell you, of Light(TM).
he is my least favorite human.
It is kind of like if Stalin, instead of oppressing, terrifying and killing millions, sold paintings in malls. Wait, kind of like? Try exactly like.
-1?!? Okay, who’s the Stalin fan? werttrew, is that you?
I like how in the comment below you went for “Stalin fan” as a reason for downvotes because Stalin has more fans than Thomas Kincaide.
Wait Stalin and werttrew what?
yeah..i don’t get that either….and i tried to get you back up to zero but failed…
Wait, what? You guys hate Thomas Kinkade too?? I wrote an entire creative writing story in college about how much I hate him but nobody knew who he was so it lost its punch.
Related: I live in a town that is proud host to the Thomas Kinkade National Gallery (which is in a fake old timey mansion, naturally) and when my friends come to visit I make them go in there with me and pretend to be interested in buying one of the Disney Series. My friends love me.
Weird, I am from a small town that also has a fake old timey mansion full of Thomas Kinkade “art.” There must be a factory somewhere.
I remember him on Dateline or some other show saying that he was a greater artist than Picasso because he has sold more paintings or something somethings. Guess he has more in common with Nicholas Sparks than we thought. They both produce generic bland crap that my grandmother loves and uses to decorate her house/bookshelf.
Quoth Thomas Kinkade:
“Picasso had a talent, but he didn’t use it in any significant way.”
Wait, really? Was the interviewer’s next question a crotch punch?
Yes, really. And we can only hope.
Kinkade is a horrible, loathsome individual. If he ever comes back to KC i’ll be sure to ask that question. ..but maybe to his jaw. (no hitting below the belt)…you’ll pay my bail right?
on a side note: Crotch Punch sounds like a drink for teabaggers.
That’s so weird. In all seriousness, I, too, imagined that he would look like this. Not like the guy who wrote “He’s just not that into you.”
I don’t know how to post images still, but I always pictured him looking like Karl Pilkington.
The number of Monsters who have previously taken the time to picture what Nicholas Sparks might look like is alarming.
I thought the same thing! Except this is better because he looks like the Archetype Douchebag.
The kind who writes novels to get chicks to sleep with him. Just like his readership, who read their books to get chicks to sleep with them! Except then he took Crazy Pills and decided he was the best writer.
Please resurrect me so I can kill myself again.
-Hemingway
“Nicholas what-now?”
- Cormac McCarthy
Cormac McCarthy is much too cool to even care that this guy exists.
Cormac McCarthy was pretty low on my reading list, but getting trashed by this guy is such a good endorsement he’s moving to the top.
Also: Roger Ebert, ladies and gentlemen.
he should be at the top. Blood Meridian is horrifying and amazing.
To be fair, I’m pretty sure Hemingway was known, like Nicholas Sparks, as a complete asshole. However, he was, unlike Nicholas Sparks, mother-effing Ernest Hemingway. He was hit by a mother-effing mortar in WWI. He hunted mother-effing grizzly bears. He lived in mother-effing Cuba. And, oh yeah, he won the mother-effing Nobel Prize. Hemingway at least was badass enough to back up his asshole-ness.
Nicholas Sparks wrote A Walk to Remember. He’s barely badass enough to order a vanilla latte.
Nicholas Sparks? More like, Prick-olas Sux
Suxx butts. His next project will be written for Topher Grace.
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Why can’t you just let meaverly be great, Steve Winwood?
I thought it was funny, Steve Winwood.
Meaverly spelled “buttz” wrong, “sux” too. That’s why.
Looks like Steve Winwood misspelled “buttz” too. It’s harder than it looks!
Oh, shut up.
Just to be clear; “Oh, shut up.” was not to mydaughter’sname69, who is lovely. It was to whoever downvoted me for liking mean jokes, and it was only part serious.
“Horrible,” he says, looking at Blood Meridian. “This is probably the most pulpy, overwrought, melodramatic cowboy vs. Indians story ever written.”
Only the sight of this adorable, sarcastic Lego man will quell my fury.
PULPY, OVERWROUGHT, MELODRAMATIC?? YOU WROTE THE NOTEBOOK YOU WORTHLESS DIPSHIT.
BLOOD MERIDIAN is a NATIONAL GODDAMN TREASURE THAT EXPLORES THE DEPTHS OF HUMAN CRUELTY AND YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LICK CORMAC MCCARTHY’S MUDDY BOOTS.
“I will take away EVERYTHING you own [Nicholas Sparks].” – my Rabbinics teacher
To be fair, Nicholas Sparks knows a thing or two about melodrama.
And human cruelty.
Maybe the best gif-retort ever, werttrew. (Giftort?)
Now I almost feel bad about making fun of James Franco so hard for the past couple weeks. Thanks for putting things back in perspective, G-Money.
“James Franco is one of the most exhilarating young talents to emerge in the field of short fiction in the past two decades. He nobly carries on the tradition dating back to Chaucer and passed down through Hawthorne, Bierce, O’Connor and Cheever. He’s not the new Hemingway though; that position has been filled, ho ho. And he’s not the new Raymond Carver; that dude totally sucked on wheels.”
-Nicholas Sparks
It’s not Thursday yet, Nicholas Sparks. But haha! You’ve got the content, now work on the timing!
Also, I’d like to post Ebert’s best zinger.
“Sparks also said his novels are like Greek Tragedies. This may actually be true. I can’t check it out because, tragically, no really bad Greek tragedies have survived.”
Because nobody here will say anything as funny as that man. I wish we could redirect upvotes to his website.
Nicholas Sparks probably knows a lot about the Greek tragedies because of his hubris and all.
Ha ha! “Zing!” but also “scholarliness!”
I think you’re giving him too much credit. “Hubris” implies that he has some sort of ambition.
Sorry to dominate this thread, but honestly, UGH! I just read the actual profile, and it’s so much worse than you made it sound, Gabe!
He has the nerve to talk about how he’s so good at doing drama as opposed to melodrama, but he’s the one who always kills a character! That’s, like, the first thing they teach you is too easy!
Seriously, Sharky. When Miley Cyrus is calling you out on your forced, predictable writing conventions it is time to reevaluate your favorable opinion of yourself as compared to Hemingway.
Consider this my upvote for Master Ebert.
Donkey wheel/nuclear bomb/Daniel Faraday–please transfer this +1(000) to http://www.rogerebert.suntimes.com. (I’m fairly certain that is how the Physics of Upvotes works.)
Done. (Though they might not show up until year 2012.)
But we’ll all be dead by then!
Wait a second. Are you me from an alternate timeline?
I’m not sure why, but in reading his quotes I can’t help but be reminded of when my dog throws up, and then starts eating it before I can get it all cleaned up.
I guess Nicholas Sparks is like my dog. But then that’s pretty offensive to my dog…
I was gonna let you off easy, Nicholas Sparks. I was going to simply punch you in your stupid untalented face and take away all your muscle Tshirts. That was until you insulted Cormac McCarthy and Blood Meridian ONE OF THE BEST NOVELS BY AN AMERICAN AUTHOR OF ALL GODDAMN TIME. So now, I will do all of the above, BLOW UP THE OCEAN, and cut off your ears and give them to Davy Brown.
Personally I want McCarthy to go all Anton Chigurh on Sparks’ ass. Forehead may be more appropriate. But I doubt McCarthy has a clue who he is. We can hope right?
Maybe some of the Glanton gang can skin him alive and wear his skin as clothes.
Wow, Nicholas Sparks. You have no idea what a romance novel is. A romance novel features a picture of Fabio on its paperback cover and sells for $3.99 at Wal-Mart.
I prefer to call them “Bodice Rippers”.
You had me at “purview”.
Thanks for creating the cover art for my upcoming biography of Nicholas Sparks, Gabe.
Can you imagine him in an Italian military hospital being tended to by an English nurse? I can’t. I see him as the guy who lost his gym membership for consistently making inappropriate sexist comments to the female members. Oh, and he’s on steroids… no doubt about it.
not that there’s such thing as an appropriate sexist comment.
But there are inappropriate nonsexist comments! Maybe you just wanted a comma?
But I bet he makes love like Ryan Goslin.
Which is to say, “he makes love while weeping wretchedly with emotion?”
(Disclaimer: I have never seen The Notebook, so I could very well be WAY off base with that remark. And yet.*)
*stolen from Gabe
to dolls?
Who actually stands like that? I mean, does anyone go ‘by gosh, my thumbs are super cold, let’s just tuck them into the pockets of my 501′s shall we?’ Another reason to hate Nicholas Sparks. That, and I bet he is standing next to the fucking Lake House in that picture. Go back in time and burn everything you have ever written, also, work on your legs more, do some squats, cos your arm-to-leg size ratio is ridiculous.
‘Standing Strong’ An amputee gets phantom limb which turns out to be the leg of his dead wife. -The synopsis of Spark’s next book (probably).
I’m so angry I’m not even making sense.
*sadly removes thumbs from jeans*
“A Farewell to Thumbs” – That guy
No, Nicholas Sparks. That is not what you write. That is what Hemingway wrote. This is what you write:
“Before he met you, he was trying to find something. After you came along, he’d already found it.”
You know what else Hemingway wrote?
“Develop a built-in bullshit detector.”
You wanna know what else?
“Nicholas Sparks, just kill yourself. Just do it.”. Probably.
This guy listens to Nickelback. I just know it.
Nicholas Sparks wrote a novel just so Nickelback could score the movie adaptation.
*waits for someone to make a “Nicholasback” joke*
This guy follows Nickelback around the country and has backstage passes for each and every show.
So many upvotes! I love this so much because “You listen to Nickelback.” is my go-to insult in real life. It is my equivalent to “Yo’ Momma.”
Nicholas Sparks pitched the concept of “music” to Disney with Nickelback in mind. Once on board, they invented sound and made up their own name.
Nicholas Sparks thinks that Nickelback’s music follows the long tradition started by artists such as Robert Johnson, Sam Cooke and Otis Redding. In fact, Nickelback has simply perfected the music they began.
“This is how you remind me of who I really am (Ernest Hemingway)” — Nicholas Sparks in his car
There will be earthquakes generated from the force of dozens, if not hundreds, of authors thrashing around in their graves. 2012 apocalypse theory?
Just read this on Wikipedia “Sparks and his wife had donated close to $10 million to start a Christian private school”. Starting a private religious school is usually good sign you are rich jerk.
The fact that Nicholas Sparks has $10 million to give hurts my soul.
But it’s alright, because he’s just a regular joe like all of us! I mean, look, he’s wearing jeans! And is slouching with his hands in his pockets! I can relate to him!
I’d vote for him if I could.
He goes to his personal trainer’s gym and blasts his pecs just like you and me!
Please. His personal trainer comes to his gym. This is Nicholas Sparks we’re talking about.
The fact that Sparks has $10 million seems to disprove the existence of any rational, vengeful, god(s). He’s building an institution of lies.
A Farewell to your Hands, if you don’t cut this stuff out, Nicky.
“You keep runnin that mouth and I’m goin to take you back there and screw you.”
Love,
Cormac McCarthy
Or take him behind a middle school and get him preg – wait…
Does this movie feature Miley Cyrus’ actual Last Song? I mean The Notebook was about a notebook.
As my brilliant friend commented, “Someone’s gonna die. It’s not called the fucking First Song of Many Yet to Come”
“I like long walks on the beach, sunsets, and my books”- Nicholas Sparks. Probably.
More like “I like long Walks To Remember on the beach, Sunsets In Rodanthe, and my Notebooks.”
I was looking for a picture of him to make him look silly, I was this.
Writing tips. So I found this quote “I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours. ”
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)
I love this so much.
I think he ripped that off from the diary I kept in 7th grade.
I would seriously recommend going to nicholassparks.com for anyone who is interested in more lols. When you click on “About Nicholas” it takes you to a page called “Nicholas Sparks on Nicholas Sparks” at http://www.nicholassparks.com. Nicholas Sparks.
Judge Holden would definitely rape/kill the hell out of this guy in an outhouse [SPOILER ALERT].
Nicholas Sparks has been put on this earth to make Kafka come true.
“Kafka, don’t even get me started.” – Nicky Sparks
“That Proust guy was kind of a fag, you know?” – Nicholas Sparks
“Henry James? Fat loser.” – This Fucking Guy
In case this is just a coincidence, my boy Cormac kind of agrees with these assessments:
http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/05/17/specials/mccarthy-venom.html
(registration required)
His list of those whom he calls the “good writers” — Melville, Dostoyevsky, Faulkner — precludes anyone who doesn’t “deal with issues of life and death.” Proust and Henry James don’t make the cut. “I don’t understand them,” he says. “To me, that’s not literature. A lot of writers who are considered good I consider strange.”
I am loathe to disagree with Cormac, because [as you can tell by my virulent screeching attacks on Mr. Sparks] I love love love him. I get what he’s saying about James and Proust, and that is a valid point, and one that I actually hadn’t considered.
But I think that they both describe aspects of life that aren’t as extreme, but are sources of some beautiful meditations on quiet things, and that’s a wholly different thing.
Also, Melville wrote Moby Dick, which was turgid and awful, and I’m not sure what ole’ Cormac sees in him.
So many lols.
“You know who I love? That Stephanie Meyer. Now that bitch can WRITE!”-Nicky Sparks
“You know who knows good story structure and convincing character development, slowly becoming the literary voice of our generation? Tucker Max!” – N*Sparks
“I effing love that sonofabitch, Dan Brown. His writing is deep as shit! He is a true jewel of the literary world. You know who is also a jewel of the literary world? Jewel.” N-Spa
“So what kind of books do you write?”
“Oh, you know, Greek Tragedy and Jane Austen and stuff.”
“Okay, cool. I though you had some anagnorisis up in this bitch.”
(Excerpt from “Platonic Dialogue Between Nicholas Sparks and a Juggalo”, coming this Fall from Dalkey Archive Press)
“Excerpt from ‘Platonic Dialogue Between Nicholas Sparks and a Juggalo,’ coming this Fall from Dalkey Archive Press” is now tattooed on my face.
this book comes in GOLD and SILVER foil packagingggggg whaaat whhhaaaattt
“Oh shit, N-Spark, when you had that deus ex machina, I was like WHAAAAAAT, but then you brought the hatchet down with that catharsis! Looks like we got ourselves another Aristotle up in this bitch, faggots!
But yo, what’s your view on the conflict in the fuckin’ Middle East?”
When I woke up today, I did not foresee a Dalkey Archive Press reference. Videogum is my hero.
Amurica!
“I think, above all, the characters in my novels feel universal to the readers. I feel as if, when they read them, they can feel — for instance, if you take The Last Song— that ‘I know a 17-year-old like Ronnie.’ And these characters are by no means perfect, but when the going gets rough, they do the right thing. People want to say, ‘I would do that.’ ”
- Nicholas Sparks
“It’s very complex, but the bottom line is I’ll give you the example that if you have a friend that is your first friend, lets assume that you are 16 years old you with your other friend, and suddenly your friend betrays you with a relationship or just as a friend betray you, you know, go to another friend, whatever, steal from you, whatever, whatever, it could be so many obstacles, you see. You will remember this for almost the rest of your life. And my point is that the first friend or the first relationship could be girl could be guy, it doesn’t matter, you will remember. And it does hurt! So The Room will maybe open certain doors that you don’t want to be there, you want to forget about it and that’s why some people maybe don’t like it, I don’t know.”
- Tommy Wiseau
“Nicholas who?” – Tommy Wiseau
Nicholas Sparks, purveyor of all things UGH.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
I has teh stupid.
Why did I click on that link? Ewww… Also, NSFW.
Apologies. Badjudgmentgum.
Buzz’s girlfriend? WOOF!
I wonder what would become of someone who undertook a Hunt for the Worst Nicholas Sparks Book of All Time.
Well, that was Neil Patrick Harris pantomiming suicide by gunshot and it was HILARIOUS!
Was it this one, That One?
Indeed, kind sir. Thank you!
Also, “this one, That One” sounds like a Dr. Seuss book.
It’d probably look something similar to when Lindsay watched all the Saw movies in a row.
It feels good back to give back to the Videogum community while at the same time being able to point out what a tremendous douche bag Nicholas Sparks is. Yikes.
Argh, grammar! It feel good to be able to give back was what I meant. Foiled again by the blind rage I feel towards Nicholas Sparks.
FINALLY! My Bibliogum dreams have finally come true!
And Roger Ebert is the best.
I know, right? GABE DO A MONTHLY VIDEOGUM BOOK CLUB. PLEASE!!!
I would agree to a book club ONLY if it featured things like The Novelization of the movie Back to the Future. I don’t need to spend my lunch trudging through the Worst Novel Of all time thankyouverymuch.
I officially Nominate this Nick Sparks fart sniffer as WAoAT
I actually would love to do a Videogum book club.
I thoroughly enjoy this idea. Let us wash the taste of Nicholas Sparks from our collective mouthbraineyes.
Mouthbraineyes is the name of my new psych-queer band. Thanks for the inspiration, Sweet Semicolon!! [two exclamation points, because one is in your name already]
I second (and upvote) all of the above. The books will have to be really short tho because I have youtubes that need watching.
Srsly tho let’s do this! Even if it doesn’t fit in here it might be nice to have a sort of monthly book-themed chat nite. #bibliogum
I’m up for a book club. I’ve been stuck reading early 1900′s Austrian books for the last couple of months.
I’ve suggested the bookclub idea to a lot of monsters. And they are all keen. Mr Videogum Man, what are your thoughts on this?
LIKE WINNETOU?
He forgets to mention how everyone gets Stendahl syndrom from reading his books. A rare miss, asshole. A rare miss.
Ebert’s zing to Sparks: classic.
“I’m his 2nd biggest fan! After himself, of course” – His mom
how about you just stick to doing curls, Sparks. leave the writing to Cormac.
This guy obviously already went to Yale.
I don’t understand this. If I was a billionaire hack, I would absolutely LOVE rubbing it people’s faces. “Yeah, what I write is utter tripe, but you assholes give me money hand over fist to keep shitting it out!”
I agree…. IF he were saying that what he writes is total crap and you assholes are giving me money.
THAT would be good.
but that’s NOT what he is saying.
Dear John,
You might want to pray that you die in the war. And soon. Then you can’t get out of my sappy, love-story-template-based writing.
Your creator (who makes Victor Frankenstein seem like a stand-up guy),
Nicholas “Supreme Assdouche” Sparks
Towering over them all is Nicholas Sparks and he is naked, typing, his small fingers lively and quick and now in doubletime and bowing Gena Rowlands, huge and tan and hairless, like an enormous infant. He never sleeps, he says. He says he’ll never die. He writes a movie for Miley Cyrus and laughs deep in his throat and he is a great favorite, Nicholas Sparks. He has written sixteen books and his fingers are light and nimble. He never sleeps. He says that he will never die. He types in light and in shadow and he is a great favorite. He never sleeps, Nicholas Sparks. He is typing, typing. He says that he will never die.
I registered an account just to tell you that this is awesome.
Thanks..?
Now go out there and be so swell that you’ll make me hate you!
My second comment on Videogum (after nominating End of Days for WMOAT) is to tell you the same.
“Faulkner was a pussy.” –Dan Brown
Nicholas Sparks is flying too close to the sun. His wings will melt and he won’t be able to write trite love stories for mouthbreathers anymore. Or something? Is Icarus a Greek tragedy? I only know it from the video game.
Prompted by its vociferous love of Duh Aficionado Magazine, the MacArthur Foundation just granted Cormac McCarthy a second grant to write “Blood Meridien 2: Sparks Afire,” which involves a plot-line wherein Nicholas Sparks gets strung up by his romancy ankles (in the most pulpy, overwritten manner possible) and set on fire by a dose of the Juge’s homemade brimstone.
When I was an awkward lonely teenager, I started writing a novelization of Final Fantasy VII.
I’m not sure where I was going with this.
We have a winner.
Cormac McCarthy responds:
“A much abated wind rushes over the caldera. Voices of the ancient whisper into the dead landscape.
Sparks are in the distance, says the man.
Cyrus rides up next to him, weeping for what might have been.
Quien es esto?
The man spits on the frozen corpse of a coyote. He spins his horse around and rides away.
Because of all the tangled truths in this land, none were more certain than the fire in his blood rushing away from them.”
Bill the Butcher applauds you.
I am so naive: I am shocked that people like Elizabeth Gilbert and Nicholas Sparks think they are really good writers. I always figured their attitude was, “Eh, I’m no Nabokov, but what the hell! It’s a living!”
Please, no one ever link me to a Dan Brown interview. I don’t think I could take it.
“Don’t get me started on Nabokov! Pale Fire? More like FAIL Fire!”
-Dan Brown, in an interview with Men’s Health (no link per request)
can i just say, this has been the most loltastic videogum thread (at least from my point of view) in a long time. i upvoted everyone! (will try to do twice!)
nicholas sparks and james franco must be in the same book club.
My inadvertent boycott of his books shall continue!!!
oh, and writing a movie for Miley Cyrus? that is so Hemingway. To Have and Have Not was a vehicle for Shirley Temple, right?
Does anyone else think that perhaps having a grown man approach Disney requesting to write a “romantic” movie for a teenage girl should have raised, I dunno, maybe a bit of a red flag? Barf. Even if that teenage girl IS Miley Cyrus, ew. I guess that would assume Disney is concerned about the sexualization of their teen stars instead of, you know, the opposite of that.
I approached Disney with a project called That’s So Hemingway. They turned it down, but ripped off the title.
does anybody else find it disturbing that he looks like a douche, yet has the mind of a 15-year-old girl?
I love you all. This thread should win the Pulitzer in Lots of Love.
P.S. Nicholas Sparks and Gwyneth Paltrow should get married. In hell.
I’m an author myself, and I went out and dug myself a grave just so I could roll in it. I just want to puke ragecookies! I’ve spent the last ten years of my life writing a novel that is still far from finished and I feel mounds of inadequacy smothering me every day. Why is it that the absolute worst writers are almost the most hideously self-absorbed and blind to their own lack of talent? It’s like they think they shit gold. And they’re always the pissiest when anyone criticzes them, even when it’s meant to be constructive. Gah, I have met so many writers who are just horrible little turds, but this guy takes the turd-crown.
Oh yeah, I think I remember that part in The Libation Bearers when Aegisthus has his image engraved on a vase for building a house or whatever and that’s how Clytaemnestra falls in love with him? JUST LIKE NICHOLAS SPARKS.
The Sparks/Kinkade connection was one my brain would not have made on its own, and for that alone I salute this comment thread.
I know what people say about t he power of hate to destroy you, but hating Nicholas Sparks just feels RIGHT.
Also, Nicholas Sparks is not very Raven. AT All.
I’m sorry I’m late to Videogum Book Club! I would like to share this short story entitled “Why Don’t You Caption It? Nicholas Sparks’ Portrait”:
Who’s got two thumbs in his pockets and is the best writer in the history of literature? This guy!
This thread is the reason why I should never, ever go to class, try to get internships and make something of myself.
I can’t believe I’m so late to this. This is a masterstroke in Gum History. So much love, you guys.
This thread + Erykah Badu Post + rising levels of commenters’ awesomeness = ONE BANGIN’ ASS MONSTER’S BALL
I’m late to the rodeo… but holy shit I must express my contempt for this toolbox. He could have just kept it at “I like what I write, and also, I wrote a screenplay with Miley Cyrus as the lead. No… I didn’t write the screenplay and Miley signed on. I actually wrote the screenplay FOR her. You know… like I envisioned this character as Miley Cyrus. No I’m not kidding.”
FACT: This guy will have more money than me forever in my wildest dreams.
Excuse me for being late, but I just read the part where he bashes ‘The Blood Meridian’ as an overwrought cowboy and indians story? This motherfucker should go to hell. Forreal.
To quote Jeri Blank;
“Stupid blood fart!”
Wow. This is my first time on videogum and I have some serious love not just for the site, but for all of you out there in comment land! There is some serious wit and dry humor to be admired. Love it! My husband just came upstairs to check on me because he heard me howling and snorting alone in our bedroom. (I guess he thought I had the ‘toy box’ out again…)
I think you can safely say that any author who’s in shape is a bad author.
Two reasons I will hate Nicholas Sparks less:
1) The accidental discovery of an article highlighting his douchiness (irresistible) is what drew me to this website just now for the very first time (greatest series of comments I have ever, ever read).
2) The immense popularity of his books and films encourages my sense of superiority over large segments of the general population. And that feels good.
On the one hand, Roger Ebert DID totally write this movie:
on the other hand, this movie totally rules!
Well, video embed failure yet again. Suffice it to say that Beyond the Valley of the Dolls > Anything by Nicholas Sparks.
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