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Earlier this week, the Comedy Central Insider wrote a post in reaction to the news that Russell Crowe is considering playing comedian Bill Hicks in a biopic about the late stand up’s life and times. The post was a list of seven actors they thought could do a better job than Crowe of bringing Hicks’s life to life, including Philip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Giammati. Fair enough. But there are plenty of actors who would do a terrible job.
7 of them after the jump.
Roberto Benigni
Pros: He’s funny.
Cons: He’s Italian. Like super Italian.
Wesley Snipes
Pros: None.
Cons: America is too racist for a black Bill Hicks.
Orlando Bloom
Pros: Pretty.
Cons: Bill Hicks wasn’t pretty.
Sir Ian McKellen
Pros: Great actor.
Cons: He won’t be able to lose himself as Hicks. It will just be like, “Why is Gandalf doing angry stand up?”
Owen Wilson
Pros: Laid back.
Cons: Laid back.
Mickey Rourke
Pros: None.
Cons: Prison face.
Dakota Fanning
Pros: Available to work.
Cons: Terrible at her job.
I think you can agree that none of these people should play Bill Hicks.
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I’ll go ahead and be the first to point out that everyone on the Insider list is way too old to play Bill Hicks, who was only 32 when he died. I’m very stupid.
This list is wonderful though.
You forgot Larry the Cable Guy. And Dead Charles Nelson Reilly.
And Steven Guttenberg
Two things:
1. Remember Bret Butler…ew
2. Making a BIll Hick’s biopic is like thinking it’s a good idea to shit elephant poop all over the virgin mary and then put it in a NY muse….wait….
I vote that Jim Caveezle be in this list – as jesus christ.