How’s it hanging, dudes who plan to work hard to avoid the mistakes of their fathers and young women who want a more flexible and undogmatic approach to feminist ideals? Off the chain! Today I want to rap at you about true love. Your bodies are going through a lot of changes right now. OxyClean! With all the hormones and SoBe racing through your system, you’re probably pretty confused, but you’re also probably pretty excited. Let me reassure you that it’s totally normal! Confusion and excitement and SoBe are normal parts of life.
Of course, I know you’re not going to listen to anything that I say. “Shut up, Grandpa,” you’re probably saying, “why don’t you crawl back into your coffin and nail the lid shut and stay in it forever and never talk again.” Kidz can b so krool! But if you won’t listen to me, maybe you will listen to this song about first love from noted expert Justin Bieber?!
I thought so!
Who could ever forget their first love and how they shut down a Caribbean resort in order for you to chase a girl your management team hired off of Craigslist around an aquarium designed in the style of an Egyptian-themed restaurant at a shopping mall. You can still remember the way her hair smelled, and how she was wearing two watches for some reason. Always with the two watches, your first love. It was so overwhelming that you had to go out to the private beach with a camera crew and make faces like you had serious gastro-intestinal distress as the wind blew your lesbian haircut into your 12-year-old eyes.
Ah, young love! Enjoy it! Like Bieber Febver, it doesn’t last forever.