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Gwyneth Paltrow has made this week’s issue of Goop Passover-themed. As if the Jews haven’t suffered enough! (She even spelled Manischewitz wrong. Asshole.) At least the Holocaust wasn’t so self-satisfied and condescending. What a good joke. I’m going to print this post out and give it to my grandma at the Seder tonight. She will be all like “heart attack.” Anyway, congratulations to all the Jews tonight on the whole not being a slave anymore. Pretty chill. And since you can’t eat any leavened bread for two months (I am sure I am getting this right. Grandma is going to love this post so much!), enjoy this video from the archives:
Get it? I’m teasing you, Jews! I’m teasing US! Next post in Jerusalem.
Related: Children Have Trouble Cutting Bread The Darndest Things
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Don’t get me wrong, Gwyneth Paltrow is totally worst…
but I gotta masturbate at least once DAMN!
yeah…slap those buns. mmm…work that dough. careful…not too much milk…oh yeah….it is too hot for that shirt! Oh! you’re getting flower EVERYWHERE!
*phew* i need a shower after all that….bread baking..
I can’t wait until Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP takes on other racial themes.
Spreading the love and making sure everyone has wonderful dinners! – Gwyneth
Let My People GOOP!
Shalom my fellow Jews and Jewesses, that’s Hebrew for Lorry I think
You’re Totally not Kosher, Mr. Shellfish.
I love every single thing about this post. I’m going to spend the rest of the day imagining the reasons for that video.
Being a Jew has its advantages (We get to rule the world etc.) But I had my Bris last night, and about 5 minutes before the party started, I was ready to crawl to the nearest monastery and declare my love for Jesus.
Happy passover Jewish brethren!
YOU’RE A BOY????
If not, the Mohel made a huuuuge mistake…
because i grew up catholic i never really learned the significance of passover or seder or easter or really anything religious (“being catholic is like an automatic ticket into heaven” – my mama) so i don’t understand gabe’s jokes about this most sacred of holidays?
I’m a fellow Catholic. I usually just associate this week with “Moooom, do we really have to go to church 4 times this week???”
exactly. the only time that’s worse is christmas when for some explicable reason you have to go to church all night long.
when my parents got divorced and we were thrown out of the church i was secretly (not-so-secretly) thrilled because it meant no more church when you had the vacation time from school.
“I grew up Mennonite, and we went to church 4 times a week for fun!”- me
I’m Jwormyk and I am a recovering Catholic. Recently I have been embracing my catholicism because it is the closest I will ever become to being a minority as a straight, white, male human being. It is the best weapon to combat the cancer of white guilt.
here, watch this informative rugrats holiday special
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hI89SellvaA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAyly3HOXfs
Yeah, I grew up (but am no longer) Southern Methodist, so most of what I know about Judaism I learned from Rugrats.
Why is this issue of Goop different from all other issues of Goop?
On all other nights we laugh at Goop either sitting or reclining, but tonight only reclining
Her recipe for Buchenwaldorf Salad is TO DIE FOR.
What does GOOP stand for? Gwenyth something something Paltrow? What do the O’s stand for?
Oncredibly Owful.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Who’s joking?
You’ll find an explanation here.
http://www.imnotobsessed.com/2009/01/07/one-mystery-explained-gwyneth-paltrow-on-goop
Turns out, her explanation is kinda stupid, amazingly enough.
Dear Steve Winwood,
I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something [Gwenyth slashes at Gabe from across the room with her scornful eyes], and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of [stuff] is just [noise] to me. I just feel sorry for them.
Yours, G.Pal
(That’s what she should have named it! G.Pal! not Goop…which just means *spoiler alert for werttrew’s article* a nonsense word based on her initials. …what a dumb cluck.)
Oh em effin gee on the real, ya’ll…. I checked out Goop today and about schmutzed my draws! Soooooooo necessary and genuine!!!!
I love the combination of Yiddish & Southern in “schmutzed my draws”. Although Gwyneth says the traditional Israeli expression is “turkey schnitzeled my draws”.
Topher Grace had to convert from Judaism because it turned out buttz weren’t kosher.
Come on, “tophersuxbuttx”! Christopher Grace is the most goyish name I’ve ever heard! I’m starting to wonder if you really know what you’re talking about.
His birth name is Saultopher Graceowitz.
Wait, what? I thought Topher was just sucking on buttz! Is he eating them now too!? Uh oh…
It’s not kosher to suck bacon! ERGO, suxxing buttz =/= kosher
Hey! I just wanted to give a big THANK YOU to all the Jews out there. Why? Well, its simple: Because of your centuries of suffering, I get to enjoy delicious Kosher Coke for a couple weeks every year! You guys are the best. Keep up the good work!
–Yours Truly, A Gentile
we had a jewish friend who would bake us Kosher Christmas Cookies that were TO DIE FOR. For the longest time I thought Kosher just meant “better”… Kosher Hotdogs = Prime Example.
I thought it was just me who thought “Kosher” just meant “better.” When I was about 9 or 10 I told my mother we should eat more kosher food and I remember she just looked at me like she was not sure what planet I was from.
“We are not a kosher household,” she finally said. Mainly because we were Catholic during the school year, and during the summers nothing.
is kosher coke different than real coke?
i know that mexican coke is far superior to real coke, but i have not heard of kosher coke…unless you are talking about the stuff you snort?
Kosher Coke = Mexican Coke. They’re both made with sugar instead of corn syrup. (Corn is not kosher for Passover because, well, just trust me.)
the more you know…
but for reals, that sounds rough. no corn? what about tortillas? you need them to make the majority of our food (seriously, just thinking about it. if you couldn’t eat corn there would be no enchiladas, tacos, tamales, anything really).
Dublin Dr. Pepper is better than all sodas. Except for maybe Mexican Coke. That is awesome as well.
Have you guys ever tried something called Beverly? It’s an Italian Coke product and it is by far one of the worst things I have ever tasted. I challenged a friend to see who could drink the most sample sized cups of it when we were at the Coke Museum in Atlanta. I won, but the prize was ending up doubled over on a bench outside for the next hour and a half, moaning towards the heavens. No one even threw so much as a nickel my way. Just an awful experience all around. Haha, good story Chris. I mean Suburban. Shit.
I remember that from when I visted the Coke Museum! I couldn’t figure out how something with such a lovely name could be soooo awful.
I know! So many delicious and bubbly treats from around the world, and I firmly believe that Italy can do no wrong in the food/drink department, but uggggggggghhhhhh. That stuff is hell.
I’m going to tell my mom that you think Beverly is a lovely name, because that is her name and she doesn’t like it. See, mom! I’m not the only one that thinks it’s pretty! A STRANGER ON THE INTERNET THINKS SO TOO
Okay, I’m not Hebrologist, but I’m pretty Sure Putting your dirty feet on top of the bread making surface is not Kosher.
GWENYTH, PLEASE LEAVE US OUT OF THIS. THANKS.
Gwenyth knows no bounds. She probably has a Jewish friend even! So cultured!
gwenyth paltrow has a picture of a jewish person in her wallet
Actually, our Gwyneth is descended from a long line of rabbis named Paltrowitz. (I wish I was joking.)
Sheesh. This thread has turned me into Joe Jew or something. Back to work.
My, how Tracy Anderson’s work out has changed … or has it?
Wait- so when she makes bread she fancies herself an athletic, pizazz-infused man? Who does she fancy being when she whips up a batch of blood sausages? I’m officially intrigued.
Also, that guy looks like a mix between Patrick Swayze and James Franco.
“Nobody puts pillows in a corner!”
Where does one get a pizazz infusion? Did I miss that issue of GOOP? Because I want one.
Apologies if this is the wrong forum to post this, but how was Friday’s screening of Birdemic? I’ve been looking forward to the (inevitable?) Birdemic post all day. Gabe, please don’t disappoint!
Gwyneth is so Posh Nosh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yndReNRrRY
it’s very appropriate the every picture with a recipe on that page looks like a pile of garbage.
hours later, I notice I said “the” instead of “that.” OH NO!
Happy Passover fellow Israelites! You Gentiles have fun out there to.
TOO. Why do I have to ruin everything I love.
Gwyneth loves Jewish traditions so much that during Seder, she leaves the front door open for her personal trainer, Elijah.
I LOL’d. And then I remembered that last night I fell asleep before it came time to do that terrifying speech at the door about how everyone who wants to destroy us will be KEELED BY GOD. Damn you, Manischewitz!
“Ask anyone in Israel to name a wholly Israeli dish and the answer will be turkey schnitzel.” Really? I just don’t know about that.
Turkey’s were runnin RAMPANT all over the desert before Moses Wrangled em and marched em into the Red Sea, if I’m to understand the meaning of Passover correctly.
It’s kind of funny, because turkeys are New World birds, and when the Jews came to America, there was a whole big kerfuffle about whether or not they were Kosher. And some people asked “If God knows everything, than why didn’t he mention turkeys in the Torah?” and that is when they were stuffed in nets and thrown into the Atlantic.
#Jewishhistorygum
I guess the original version of “West Bank Story” must have had the two main characters working at competing Turkey Shnitzel stands(cause it’s totally the most Israeli food of all time and not, oh, German or anything) but they decided that falafel looked better as a hat?
That video is labelled wrong. It should read “How to make bread.”