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It’s a dangerous world. You should definitely carry around a rolled up coupon circular. Better yet, carry around two rolled up coupon circulars.
This video demonstrates one of my favorite aspects of martial arts instruction, which is the suggestion that anything can be a weapon. “A board with a nail in the end of it is a weapon. A potato with a razor blade sticking out of it is a weapon. A bike chain with an uzi welded to it spraying bullets as you swing it over your head is a weapon.” We’re all heading towards the Great Bonkers Street War of 201976, so we need to be prepared! To be fair to this sensei, I do believe that shoving the blunt end of a rolled up coupon circular into a dude’s butt (or whatever) could be painful, but the final thwack he gives him on the shoulder with the rolled up coupon circular is just annoying. “And another thing, young man!” That is what you have to say to channel your energy, or ki, for that devastating (not devastating) final blow (final blow!). But the best part is YOU CAN READ THE COUPON CIRCULAR WHILE YOU WAIT PATIENTLY TO BE ATTACKED! (Via Buzzfeed.)
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To put it into Videogumese, that’s your attack scenario. In the end times chairs are going to be more valuable than food or water.
It is important to definitely defend yourself with a rolled up newspaper instead of the chair. DO NOT USE THE METAL CHAIR YOU ARE SITTING ON. What if you get tired after defending yourself and need to sit down? What are you going to sit on? A rolled up newspaper? Oh boy, it’s gonna be a looooooong street war.
Um, also, there’s a shitload of SWORDS on the wall behind him. When the great rec room war of 201796 begins, Imma grab those pointy knife things and leave the coupon circulars to the rest of y’all.
He did use the chair though. Granted, only once, but it was used.
In 201976, when folding chairs have all but disappeared, the Samurai Hairline Sweater Vest gang will become the most desperate.
How strange, a trailer for “The Karate Kid” that contains neither the title, nor the release date. Viral advertising indeed!
Coup-on, Coup-off.
fattylumpkinsun
I always love to see the “related videos” that show up at the end of some of the things you put up here, Gabe. This time it was something called “Two Girls, One Cyst”.
The Self-Defense Dorks video is better than the barfing Windsor guard, FYI.
Correct me if I am wrong here, but they were fighting over a fold up chair?
Yes, but if you noticed it was a plastic folding chair! Talk about ritzy!
I would have been after the coupons. Those things can save you literally tens of cents.
This is actually one of the “Way of the ‘Pon” series, which combines martial arts with coupon-protection.
It would have made more sense to me if the plastic fold up chair was supposed to be a seat on a crowded public bus!
Honey, guess what? I got you some socks.
Were we supposed to drink every time you said “coupon circular”? Did I miss the rules again?
I think it’s time for these guys to remake Crocodile Dundee; “That’s not a Cigar Aficionado THIS is a Cigar Aficionado!”
FYI, Cigar Aficionado will be the bazooka of the future.
Obligatory Tim and Eric clip:
http://video.adultswim.com/tim-and-eric-awesome-show-great-job/kill-em-with-kindness.html
LAST RESORT!
yeah… i thought this was from tim & eric until everyone was taking it all serious.
The pain sound effects in the beginning of the video are the same ones they used in the 1998 videogame Mission Impossible for Nintendo 64.
…seriously.
But think of the awesome one liners you can spew as you ward off your attackers.
“You’re about to get two fists for the price of one!”
These restrictions WILL apply!
“Your ass qualifies for a free inspection from my foot!”
Does not apply to items already marked down, like your face!!!!!!
Redeemable at participating locations only!!! Uh… like the gonads! PUNCH!
First I slashed prices, now I’ll slash YOUR FACE!
“Can be combined with other offers, like a punch to the trachea.”
My knuckles are valid wherever fine music is sold!
And here’s the free gift with Purchase!
it’s a lovely tote.
My fist has a cash value of 1/20 cent. Am I doing this right?
I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And my dentures will not allow me to chew bubblegum.
Wow – a “They Live” reference AND a “Gabe is old” reference! Play him off on the double-meme harpsichord, keyboard cat!
Ass-kickings valid while punk-asses last.
CAN! YOU! DIG IT?!
This ass kicking does not expire!
Your ass-kicking is NON REFUNDABLE and NON TRANSFERABLE. This establishment is not responsible for DAMAGED GOODS.
Looks too gimmicky… I’m gonna stick with the Gwyneth Paltrow Work Out Routine.
THAT’S MY PURSE! I DON’T KNOW YOU!
1 million upvotes for that!
and one big one from me!
PAH!
I was happy to see him give up the chair at the end, only to be DEVASTATED when he took it back!
Yeah, sensei was just being a dick at that point.
Ohhh, but a twist!
Was that the SkyMall catalog?
It’s the most dangerous of all the rolled up magazines because it contains novelty weapons inside, as well.
Good thing he didn’t use Italian Vogue!
…because…from Bee Movie…
you guys all saw Bee Movie, right?
*shame*
I want to kiss you on the bee-movie-hole for that one. (apologies to Kenny Powers)
Man. Someone is confused about how one plays musical chairs (It’s me, right? I’m confused? I knew I should have had more rolled up coupon circulars at my birthday party…).
He better have that magazine ready when the T. Rex walking in the background finally gets there.
Thank you for pointing that out.
I don’t mean to disparage the wonder of a magazine to the nuts, but pretty much an anything to the nuts will do the trick.
I know! This actually seemed pretty legit to me. Because he hit that dude in the nuts, like, 40 times.
Have you monsters ever watched InfoMania on CurrentTV? There’s this segment that the impossibly adorable Brett Erlich does called Viral Video Film School. Last week’s segment was about weapons. Check it out! He’s great! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PasuhTIAjd0 (Professor Ronald Duncan comes in at the 1:40 mark)
THAT’S where I saw this! Thanks!
This is why you have to be 18 to buy a Playboy. It’s deadly.
I really wish I would have seen this before getting on the CTA yesterday. http://twitter.com/DS3M/status/10895175268
I coulda saved myself trouble by bringing the rolled up local values circular.
the law of diminishing lethality states:
as the page count of a magazine increases beyond a reasonable threshold as to become unwieldy, the ability to strike accurately with the blunt edge significantly decreases as to become a liability in combat usage.
When I was a kid my friends told me you could kill someone with a newspaper, as long as you hit him enough times. My friends were jerks.
I only read communist propaganda pamphlets when I sit in folding chairs at my local ski lodge/karate dojo combo. Can I use those instead of coupon circulars?
Motherfucka just got “Zoo Story” all up on his ass.
i read the comments waiting for a Bourne Supremacy joke. i guess we’re over that.
Oh my god, I just cackled for the entired length of that video. Best thing I’ve seen in a long time
I’m just glad he saved the rubber band
It was very crescent fresh of him.
he could use it to attach 2 coupon circulars together… nunchuku-pons?
And keep in mighhhhhnd Denny, the bone structure can be damaged and death can result.