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Every year, one billion (exactly one billion) dumb movies get made that are either remakes or reboots or in some other way derivative of a thing that has been done before. Everyone knows that. And so it is easy to complain about Hollywood as a Lukewarm Rehash Factory, pumping out the Lukewarm Rehashes like it is their job (because it is their job). But there is another type of movie that Hollywood puts out that might be even more dangerous (haha, dangerous) and pernicious (haha, pernicious), and that is the movie that THINKS it has an interesting idea behind it, but doesn’t. These movies are, of course, the bread and butter of The Hunt, because they combine being awful with being pretentious and misguided. What a combination! Most of the movies we have discussed have been some variation on this theme, but few of them have actually taken their title from the Seven Deadly Sins, only to be a half-baked screwball garbage comedy about dog shit.
Envy, however, is just such a movie.
Envy is about two “best friends,” Jack Black and Ben Stiller, who both have wives and children and tract houses and dogs. They also both have middle-management jobs at the 3M factory (ENOUGH OF THIS EGREGIOUS PRODUCT PLACEMENT, HOLLYWOOD!). Of course, they’re not exactly the same: Ben Stiller is a buttoned-down employee man, while Jack Black is more of a dreamer. We know that because at one point early in the movie, Ben Stiller says to Jack Black “you are a dreamer.” Thank you for helping to define Jack Black’s character, Ben Stiller’s character! One day, on the way home from work, Ben Stiller and Jack Black see a man cleaning up his dog’s poop, and Jack Black has an idea: what if you created a spray can that when you sprayed it on dog poop, the dog poop disappeared. Ben Stiller is pretty dismissive of this idea, because what would you actually put in the spray can? And also things don’t just disappear? They have to go somewhere? Jack Black ignores his concerns. AND SO DOES THE MOVIE.
Maybe this movie is actually brilliant and is a complicated commentary about itself! (Nope, it is just shit.)
Pretty quickly, Jack Black has invented a spray can that when you spray it on dog poop, the dog poop disappears. He had tried to get Ben Stiller to help invest in his new company for just $2,000, but Ben Stiller refused, and now Jack Black is so rich it’s crazy. Of course, he doesn’t want to move away from his best friend, so he just tears down his old tract house and builds a giant mansion. And fills it with pinball machines and ponies. His wife (played by Amy Poehler, but let’s pretend she isn’t) is going to run for state senate? And now Ben Stiller is so mad!
His friend is so rich! And he is so poor! Well, he is not that poor, because he is still building a pool in his backyard? But I guess he is not Michael Jackson Nightmareland Ranch rich. Oh, also his wife (Rachel Weisz) is mad because she hates having a husband who is so poor now that she sees how some husbands are rich. And his kid hates him because one time they were eating dinner at Jack Black’s house and he got to eat flan? So his wife and kid leave. And also he loses his job because he screams in his boss’s face because he’s an idiot. You know how it is when your friend gets rich off of a nonsensical make-believe shit-based product and then you lose everything. Anyway, Ben Stiller, distraught, gets drunk at a bar and makes friends with Christoper Walken. OH BOY, HERE WE GO!
Ben Stiller ends up shooting Jack Black’s prized horse with an arrow (don’t ask), but he lies about it, and he also buries it in the swimming pool hole in his yard (convenient). Then Jack Black offers a reward for his horse, so Ben Stiller and Christopher Walken decide to move the horse from the swimming pool hole somewhere that they can “find” it and collect the reward money. Good plan, guys! Perfect plan, really. But then they lose the horse (don’t ask). And then Jack Black–who really has been nothing but generous and kind to Ben Stiller throughout–makes Ben Stiller a partner in his poop can business (it is called the Va-POO-Rizer, and this movie cost millions of dollars to make). So now Ben Stiller and his shitty wife are rich, which is all they ever wanted in their whole lives. But Christopher Walken sees Ben Stiller on the news (right) and blackmails him. Ben Stiller is going to come clean to Jack Black about the whole killing-his-horse-and-then-lying-about-it-and-also-trying-to-scam-his-friend-out-of-the-reward-money thing, but instead ends up shooting Christopher Walken in the back (don’t ask). But then he confesses to Jack Black anyway, and Jack Black is like, Oh well.
THESE DRAMATIC STAKES ARE ALMOST TOO HIGH IF ANYTHING.
Then the EPA discovers that the poop doesn’t exactly disappear when it is sprayed, but it DOES turn into a poison that seeps into the ground, and it was actually poisoned apples that killed the horse (oh phew?) but so all their dreams come crashing down around their heads and both Ben Stiller and Jack Black lose all of their zoot suits, or whatever. But at the very last second, Ben Stiller has an idea (NOW WHO IS THE DREAMER, HUH?) and the movie ends with their newest infomercial for their newest product, which we are told is going to make them rich: Pocket Flan. It is flan in a tube. HOPEFULLY IT COMES IN BULLET FLAVOR!
Apology accepted, Amy Poehler.
The thing is, a movie about two friends struggling with the changes wealth brings could totally be interesting and maybe even funny. That is a real thing! And envy as a destructive emotion is totally relatable. Who has not been envious at some point in their lives? No one has not been. But this movie’s depiction of wealth makes it seem like money turns us all into 14-year-old retards. And blind 14-year-old retards at that:
What is that all about?
Moreover, Ben Stiller’s character sucks! He is an asshole from the very beginning, even when Jack Black is (shudder) poor. He’s rude, and dismissive, and condescending. When his friend gets rich he is rude, venal, spiteful, and mean. So fuck him! I guess since this movie was so lazily written, it was just easier to have him start off as a jerk, that way when his friend got rich, they didn’t have to worry about how to show him struggling with the wealth inequality. “Just make him yell a little louder.” It is hard when a movie doesn’t have anyone to root for, but it is gross when a movie has everyone to root against. Jack Black was actually OK, somehow, I guess, but, like, even Rachel Weisz is just so fucking infuriating. She leaves her husband because she can’t stand how not rich he is? And at one point, when they do get rich, she demands that he not be honest and apologize to his best friend because then they might not be rich anymore? Ugh! You should both divorce each other. Out of an airplane. Can you divorce someone out of an airplane? That barely makes sense, and yet I think it makes THE MOST sense.
And do not even get me started on Va-POO-Rize and Pocket Flan. Well, OK, get me started. WHAT ON EARTH? I mean, I know that it is hard to think of fake inventions that are both “funny” and “realistic” but if you can’t do it then maybe don’t make your whole movie be about them. No one forced Barry Levinson to make a big budget movies centered around fake inventions. There is a scene soon after Jack Black gets rich where we are first introduced to flan, and everyone makes a really big deal about it. And it’s like, what? Why is everyone making such a big deal about flan? And then at the end of the movie they are like BOOM! It’s just storytelling at its best. You insert a really awkward detail that seems forced and nonsensical, and then an hour and a half later you turn it into a horrible joke that makes people want to die. WHO WROTE THIS MOVIE, O’HENRY?
Of course, it’s much easier to watch Envy from the vantage point of 2010, when we know we are now safe. Can you imagine watching this back in 2004 (was it really only 2004? Yikes. So much for the SO-CALLED “lessons of 9/11″) and having to worry that there were going to be SIX sequels to this shit? Even the 6% on rottentomatoes would not have made me feel safe. It is only time that has healed these wounds. Time, and an endless procession of even worse big budget comedies. Now say thank you to Mr. Paul Blart and go to bed, Envy.
Next week: Down To You. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.
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The entire time I was reading this I was waiting for the joke “Man, can all The Best Scientists get to work on Va-POO-rizer so we can use it on this movie?!” but it never came.
I guess that’s why I’m still in jokes 101, and Gabe is 84.
Max, where have you been?? We missed you!
Architecture school, mostly.
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
The following gif represents my viewing experience of this film:
Except it lasted 1 hour and 51 minutes.
I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
Amelia was so good, I vomited for five hours after it was over.
I mean, wait. I think I did that wrong.
I was waiting all day for this.
Aviatrix sounds like a fanciful flying dominatrix. Which would be a GREAT movie.
I think you mean Angelina Jolie in Sky Captain. Which would invalidate that concept as great.
DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE IMPUGN SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW, IT WAS A SUPERB FILM MARRED ONLY BY THE DEATH OF THAT GUY AT THE END WHOSE NAME ESCAPES ME.
Whoa, this guy really likes Sky Captain and the World of tomorrow.
Alright LOL Captain.
I actually didn’t hate Sky Cap. I just really hate Angelina Jolie.
I just… I liked the movie a bunch. A BUNCH.
This has been another installment of…
Been waiting all week to post that again.
This is possibly the best GIF I’ve ever seen.
I Double Dog Dare you not to include Amelia in the next round of WMOAT. I mean Take One For The Team, Joe Mande. Or something.
That .gif + “Except it lasted 1 hour and 51 minutes.” = TWSS
But bravo for another well made argument, werttrew! I readily await your petition next week.
You do realize that Gabe is going to put this off until wertrew runs out of GIF metaphors, right?
Y’see, the weird thing about this is, Jack Black plays an eccentric, oddly-dressed, extroverted idiot who has undeservedly got extremely rich. By all rights he should be able to make this “character” that he “plays” believable. BUT HE DOESN’T!
Congratulations, Jack Black, on not being able to play yourself.
Sorry, I should have read the comments first. Gabe, can we get some vapoorize further down the page?
ooh ooh ooh. rachel weisz + movie that thinks it has an interesting idea = the shape of things. please, please, i nominate that one.
I’m not a movie, silly!
But you are a beloved President!
http://tinypic.com/m/9iz486/3
Seriously, great week for America.
I mean:
Why does he look freakishly young here? Is it the photoshopping? Seriously he looks like Walt from season 1 of Lost. Don’t worry, I voted for you President Walt! Hope you don’t make my pet bird kill itself for reasons that will never be explained!
Gosh, thanks for revealing my identity! This is awkward.
RESET BUTTON
Looking back on the past four to six minutes of my life, I realized that in spite of trying to be playful with the “That One” wordplay, I may seem incredibly ignorant and sarcastic when I am actually quite sincerely humbled by our presidents ability to pass such monumental legislation. I do apologize.
I could let you all downvote me into the Monsters Ball for vanities sake, but I wanted to make very clear that I am very close to, if not the polar opposite of a Glen Beck/Sarah Palin/John McCain/Satan. Thank you for listening, and I hope I am still a monster among monsters.
And if all else fails: Gabe/Werttrew 2012.
One thousand times yes. I could not get traction for my “Shape of Things” campaign, but I am glad not to have died in vain. I’ll be looking down, upvoting you from heaven.
Never make a good movie: The Jack Black promise.
He should be added to the blacklist in the WMOAT rules.
Not even High FIdelity?
it’s kind of like saying “not even ‘Leaving Las Vegas?”
Also Raising Arizona. (Am I doing this right?)
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
While I respect your opinion and I refuse to down vote you b/c you are my favorite monster, I respectfully disagree. First, High Fidelity, the novel, means a lot to me so I am biased. I feel like it, and most of Nick Hornby’s work in general, “gets me.” I’m a white guy from a middle class family that just can’t figure things out. I’m generally a miserable fuck and I tend to take the good thing in my life for granted. I can’t explain why except that lIfe is fucking hard! But I’ll never complain b/c I started with a good hand, or at least a better hand than most. Nick Hornby expresses these sentiments in a way that I cannot, simultaneously revealing the comedy and the tragedy of being adrift in life an not knowing why. Now if you’ll allow me to jump off Nick’s bone… the film version of High Fidelity is different from the book. Basically, things turn out better in the film b/c this is America and we love happy endings (i.e. Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Errr, i.e. gay rights. Nevermind). Actually, we suck here in the Colonies. Anyway, these changes do not bother me, in fact, I embrace them! I mean, starting a record label with a band named The Kinky Wizards? Hell yes. Really the only awful part of the film is John Cusack. He is the god damned worst. If you hate this film for that reason, fair enough! But i kind of think that is the point. Call me naive but I feel like this is some sort of meta casting. Who better to represent sad fuck white guys than John Cusack? Everyone hates him (and Joan for that matter) he is insufferable and he needs to shut up and/or just drown himself in his hot tub time machine. But he has feelings and a life too and I don’t know, maybe he’s secretly not a horrid wretch. I guess what I’m trying to say is High Fidelity is supposed to be miserable and I am miserable so if you are ever miserable give it a chance.
Also, I hate Jack Black (See one of several comments in this thread and insert them here) but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t nail the role of Barry. That was the role he was born to play. Unfortch, he didn’t die straight after.
i am also miserable, and cannot stand this movie. granted, it is mostly because of cusack
west, I signed in just to propose marriage to you? I realize now this might be an inappropriate forum in which to do so, but, i mean, it’s monday, the best day for taking risks.* At the very least, I can promise many years of angsty white middle class brunches involving green herb gravy and omelets with chorizo and goats’ cheese.**
*not proven by any kind of science
**i might be a little bit drunk right now
Mrs. Chaka, I am very flattered by your proposal but I have been proposed to before when alcohol was involved and things did not end so well. While I do enjoy the company of an older woman, I am happily off the market (With a brown woman. Wtf is up with all the fine white men going for non-whites? Amirite?). However, Please keep me in mind for all your shirtless pool cleaning and lemonade drinking needs.
Yours truly, A Cabbage Man
Ugh. you made me feel bad for hating High Fidelity. But, I know a lot of people who love it, so I accept that this is just not a movie for me. I guess I find John Cusack’s character more of an insufferable, selfish asshole who shouldn’t be with anyone because he is played by John Cusack. In respect to you I will not nominate it for The Hunt. Good day, sir.
My mom gave me this book as a giant hint that I should stop working retail and find a nice girl.
+1 – for joining the growing Steve Winwood fanclub. I hated High Fidelity the movie, but liked the book. Your comment is all around awesome.
West, I appreciate you reply, but come on. You hit the nail on the head with John Cusack but you failed to note how wrong and unfair it is that he gets too hook up with all those ridiculously beautiful women – Lisa Bonet for god’s sakes!? Kill yourself, I will never be happy – and then proceeds to spend 11 hours of the movie complaining. Shut up, John Cusack!
Am I the only one that agrees? One man whining over relationships that ended because he’s so whiney does not a good film make, I don’t care how much you “love that song! it’s totally the story of my life!”.
Now you can all hate me, too.
Hey now waitaminute- What about “Airborne”? I think we can all agree he was great in Airborne.
NO?
Well then how about in Never-Ending Story 3?
Cannot upvote this enough
Flan is gross, just like this movie
Also WIld Hogs on FX at 8 tonight, let’s make it number one in the ratings Videogum Everywhere
Ugh I’ve tried flan a few times because one of my friends just loves it. But it just tastes like jello custard to me. Horrible
I don’t like it either. not good. Maybe its one of those things that if done well can be amazing. I don’t know. I do know that Pocket Flan might be the worst food ever.
My mom made vegan orange-flower and honey flan [because we hippies are fancy] and it was delicious. Also, my friend-who-is-of-Cuban-descent’s grandma made it and it was great. But I also have had so-so flan. I think it depends on who makes it/what recipe it is.
“Cool story, bro-poleon.” – Everyone
I AM SO INTERESTING
You are all correct – Flan is horribly delicious, but it needs to be made by the right person – Usually they gotta be of hispanic descent.
I’ve made the appropriate replacements and veganized the Goya packaged flan, and even that wasn’t the worst. Granted, I can’t stay mad at many desserts.
I lived in Miami for 4 1/2 years and I’ve had mad flan in my day. All of it is terrible. Pocket flan may as well be smegma as far as I’m concerned.
I’ll be fair enough to admit that, if prepared right, it may taste good.
But I’ve definitively given it more than a few chances and it was always gross. So, maybe I’ve never had a great example, but I’ve been put off not to give it another chance.
Sorry flan and flan lovers.
I’ve always thought why flan when there is creme brule (don’t even get me started on Ben and Jerrys creme brule ice cream)?
Gabe, you’re a trooper for finishing this. I walked out of it within 30 minutes in the theater after paying FIVE WHOLE AMERICAN DOLLARS to see it! That money could have bought me five tacos by now! Fuck you, Envy, you taco thief of a movie.
I stayed through the entire thing. Still having sessions about it.
Also a thief of 30 minutes that could have been spent eating tacos. Everyone does that right? Just sits down and eats tacos for 30 straight minutes?
Well, if you are talking about 5 tacos, the combined time of eating and … “post eating” … would probably add up to about 30 straight minutes.
Now cut out the middle man and eat tacos on the can … you could probably go for days straight at that rate. [/accidental rhyming]
Back when this came out in the theater, I was a fresh-faced 20 year-old and a HUMONGOUS Ben Stiller fan. At that point, I loved pretty much everything he had been in: Mystery Men, Zoolander, There’s Something About Mary, and EVEN Meet the Parents. But after this my enthusiasm declined greatly and my faith in Ben was pretty much shattered. I didn’t laugh at any of his movies until Tropic Thunder 4 years later.
thanks for the epic life story odyssey, garbage_face
You’re welcome! I have many, many more! I’m basically Odysseus over here!
Voice of Liam Neeson: “Release the Crackin!”
I actually bought this movie used from a Blockbuster for 3 dollars (cheaper than if I had rented it).
I watched it.
When it was over I placed the dvd back in its case, put my shoes on, walked out of my apartment and across the parking lot to the complex’s dumpsters and chucked it in; overhand, like a ninja star.
I’m pretty sure I would have done the same thing if I had rented it.
Why does it say my comment is “awaiting moderation” ?
That’s odd.
It tends to do that if you have uploaded one or more gif/jpeg in your comment. But I thought gif stood for “google image files” at first, so I am most likely wrong.
And clearly I suck at internet, because that was supposed to be a reply to KajusX
Wow pepper, that embarrassing. Everyone knows it stands for “Go, Image Fun”! or
Whoops! Sorry, Ben (Waiting for the perfect go, image fun)!
i dont know, mine too! i didnt even curse or NOTHIN
You know, you could go to Jack in the Box and get 10 tacos. Then you would be the “Envy” of taco lovers everywhere. Or would your tacos be the “Envy” of taco movies. I’m confused.
This movie made me green with barf.
Mondays are good for two things; WMOAT by Gabe, and werttew’s Amelia submissions. The latter mostly because I love the word “aviatrix”.
Right? That word is just so sexy.
MMmmmmhhmmmmm!
Also, MMMBop.
…doo doo doo Wop….
he also buries it in the swimming pool hole in his yard (convenient)
So convenient that they used it in Sexy Beast.
To much better effect, no less.
Man, you know a movie is beyond terrible when not even Walken-as-nutbag-homeless-guy can save it from the suck vortex.
This is true. I have a system which I like to call ‘The Walken Curve’ in which any movie when rated on a 10 point scale, automatically gains 2 points with a Walken inclusion which lasts longer than 2 scenes. For instance, A film like ‘The Rundown’ is a serviceable schlocky action movie that would typically fall at a 3/10 (10 being the best). With its inclusion of Walken as the villain, and giving him the line “That’s a lot of cows “, the film benefits from the curve and receives a 5/10 rating.
Cameos are acceptable, but are subject only to a one point curve if, and only if Walken is used effectively in his brief role.
Although I thought Wedding Crashers was a funny movie, I felt like Walken was completely wasted in that movie. I thought he actually did a much better job in this, except that this movie is still terrible. SO if we could CGI the Walken from Envy into Wedding Crashers, we would have the perfect movie. (No we wouldn’t.)
I might watch The Rundown now just for “That’s a lot of cows”
this also reminds me of true romance (not that it was bad, i thought it was quite good and certainly far better than natural born killers) BUT it is all the better for the one fantastic walken/dennis hopper scene
Don’t forget his beautiful role in Wayne’s World Two
I disprove your theory: Poolhall Junkies.
…and that was supposed to be in reply to Notsewfast’s Walken Curve.
This movie did not even succeed as being the best movie about fully grown adults whose wealth turns them into 14-year-old retards!
I liked that movie. That’s the one where Steve Martin has a really big nose and John Candy and him try to get home in the winter, but they have to stop bandits! With Martin Short. RIght?
… and who lose said wealth because their great idea ends up actually being harmful because they didn’t really think the whole thing through.
So much for not being Hollywood Rehash Factory, but this is another one of those movies that decided to take a small part of a good movie and make a whole movie out of it. Like when they gave Ash’s hand from Evil Dead 2 it’s own spin off. With Seth Green.
Why does Jack Black have cutesy girl hair in many of the photos? (obviously that is the only thing actually wrong with this movie)
Makes him look like a candle-makers apprentice. They were notorious for having fluffy womanly hair.
Careful Spaceprophet, Videogum commenters are like like 90% candle-makers.
Serenity by Monsters
I would like to nominate two movies I watched back to back this weekend: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and The Italian Job (2003).
Also, coming out on DVD and Blu-Ray tomorrow: The Men Who Stare at Goats
Thanks for your consideration.
I would like to nominate Van Helsing. That movie is so absurdly bad, ridiculous, and confusing I do not know if Gabe will be able to even write about it.
This was not supposed to be a reply. Sorry west.
Although I have seen Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and will definitely back you on that.
All of those movies are terrible. Van Helsing would be a fun one.
What a dum-dum of a movie. I mean, the titular character is a European cowboy of some sort who seems to be entirely made of leather (also he apparently wears a cute little turtleneck sweater under all that cowhide?) and he runs around with an automatic crossbow (we want to pretend he’s not really a cowboy?) working for the Vatican. Cools.
Also, why are werewolves and vampires always opposites? Can anyone tell me? Did I miss something?
@PJSquid: No kidding. Why can’t Werewolves and Vampires be friends?
I kind of remember reading some slash fic about that….
Is that the one where they fight the vampires with pee? It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie, but I remember there was a lot of pee in it.
I dunno, but I (did not) made (make) this tribute video for this “underrated and is a wonderful movie with dazzling visuals.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JQJKxFI7UE
There must be some reason this thing has upwards of 277,000 hits. The internet must be full of Helsing-heads
Ben, the internet is just full of pee-heads.
If you look at the credits, you’ll see both “Assistant to Mr. Jackman” and “Diaper Wrangler”. These are essentially the same job.
This must’ve been pre-green pants technology.
my favorite scene is where Hugh Jackman pees his pants.
Definitely behind the Van Helsing nomination. Kate Beckinsale brawls ferociously with bad guys, but then someone knocks her onto a chaise lounge and she’s done for? Really, movie?
from this point on I’m going to refer to West as “The Man Who Stares at WMOATS.”
Couldn’t turn FX off, eh?
lady tears
I have no regrets.
I have to downvote you, but only because I own a Mini Cooper.
When the hell was this made? I pay attention to things, and I have never heard of this movie.
I think this movie was delayed for about a couple years before actually being released, so when it was, it got buried in the release schedule.
I barely knew of it when it came out.
Actually, cool story. According to IMDB, it came out in 2004 but was delayed for two years because of how horrible it was, and then Jack Black publicly apologized for it THE SAME YEAR IT WAS RELEASED (I’m still waiting on your apology, Ben Stiller!). It’s truly a horrendous movie of staggering proportions, so THANK YOU GABE for T14TT.
Bride Wars please!
the only thing i like better than shoes, yogurt, and being independent but unlucky in love, is hating this movie.
yeah! the original is such a good movie. a remake of that movie makes no sense. i mean the plot is based on the struggles to be a woman in that time period
i dont know what’s happening here. this is supposed to read:
“the only thing i like better than shoes, yogurt, and being independent but unlucky in love, is hating this movie.”
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. Back up, back up. “Pocket Flan”? Flan in a tube?? Um excuse me, but that is GENIUS. I wish I had flan in ALL of my pockets, RIGHT NOW.
Hee hee hee!
So glad to know that vgum is not completely full of flan haters! I was getting worried there. Because of how flan is delicious!
What is this? FLANGUM? (crickets)
Flangum … now that is an idea even better than pocket flan. Imagine chewing on flan all day long. Tasteless after a few minutes flan.
It’s like, everything you love about flan, minus the stuff you love about flan.
I’d prefer to say Videoflan. It replaces the tasty treat portion of the name.
Go to your local food-mart and pick up some “Go-Gurt”. Same thing I am sure.
I can’t believe I watched the whole thing…with a date…on opening night…and she wanted to leave halfway through but didn’t tell me or else I would’ve swam away from that sinking ship about 20 minutes in.
Smart girl. I hope you held onto her.
Clever girl
Shit, he musta been hanging on with vise grips, letting her squirm, get her energy out, then “calm down and eat your jujubes.”
communication is the third most important thing in a relation ship, only behind second and third base.
Jack Black plays an uncouth and somewhat grating man who has somehow stumbled into fantastic fame and fortune. That was too much of a stretch for me.
Envy is like a light hearted, brightly lit Tim Burton movie. Everyone behaves impossibly strangely and they live in a caricature of a modern middle class society, working for a caricature of a middle class job. It’s like Joe Versus the Volcano in that way. By the way, that movie might deserve some WMOAT consideration.
don’t you dare knock my Joe vs the Volcano!
Joe Versus the Volcano was meant to be that way at least. The difference being that Envy is not self-aware. Also: “I’m not arguing that with you”. MLIJVTV.
Down To You next week? Awesome. Gabe, you are the Demi Moore saving my dull, dreary month.
I feel like that movie was on TV this weekend. I really hope Gabe just got so hooked that he sat and watched the whole thing. Then realized he needed to justify his time and play it off as a joke so it’s now a WMOAT (appropriately so, i might add).
I was going to come in and defend Down to You, but then I realized I was getting it confused with Down With Love. Down to You has Freddie Prinze Jr, right? And a scene where he’s like… wandering Central Park in the middle of the night and then maybe he goes crazy and talks to a rat. Am I anywhere close?
I thought the same thing! But yes, Down to You is not the strangely charming union of Ewan McGregor, Renee Zellweger and pretty bright colours, but the appropriately terrible union of Freddie Prinze Jr., Julia Stiles, Selma Blair and the late ’90s.
Which is sad, because collectively, they were in my three favorite movies of the late 90s (FPJR: She’s All That, Julie Stiles: 10 Things I Hate About You, Selma Blair: Cruel Intentions). You are letting me down, favorite actors in 8th grade!
I couldn’t get into She’s All That even in the late nineties, but upvoted on the other two.
It is a spider that he talks to. And then he decides to drink shampoo.
OH GOD I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE SHAMPOO. Also, that weird deadbeat friend of his that should probably be incarcerated for some kind of creepiness crime? Seriously, I will watch just about any awful chick flick you put in front of me and love the cheesy crap out of it, but this movie was just straight up terrible. I can’t wait til next Monday!
Amen to that. I have watched this movie, in its entirety, twice. Both times because I was so hung over that I either could not reach or, possibly, operate the TV remote. For some reason, because of that, I have fond memories of its terribleness. At the same time it ranks right up there with a DWI arrest as a warning of the dangers of alcohol. I can’t wait to read Gabe’s thoughts and relive it again!
I rarely comment here, but read daily. I honestly feel bad for nominating Down to You. I know the write-up will be great, as usual, but I feel actual guilt for asking another human being to watch this movie. Whoops!
Wouldn’t Jack Black need to be like some sort of chemistry genius to figure that out? So he’s not just a dumb shlub, he created like a magic spray. That is pretty impressive. I would get it if he just happened to like, pitch the idea and THAT made him a success, but that he came up with it?
I don’t usually mention these things, but who is the Debbie Downvoter here? Uncalled for.
He finds a business partner who helps figure out how it will actually work. But it is an actual running joke in the movie that Jack Black is talking about how he “invented” Va-Poo-Rize when all he did is say “there should be a spray that makes dog poo disappear.” It’s funny!
You guys, I just saw The Room. Just saying.
I hope you saw it with friends and drinks. The way God intended.
Aren’t those the same things?
Oh hi, Skinny Tie
Hello! (I feel like I’m sort of missing something in your comment?)
Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!
I’m gonna need a bigger pocket.
But not the pockets with the flan in them!
You may need to watch the Room again. In fact, I may have to watch the Room again because, no one can ever watch it enough. But first I have to finish New Moon. Thank goodness for Rifftrax, otherwise I’d only ever watch good movies.
Haha, I liked this movie. I think I only saw the beginning and end, but the whole part where Jack Black “invents” Va-Poo-Rize by describing what it would do but not how it would work cracked me up.
And it is true that it doesn’t really address how sudden wealth can change a friendship, but I think that’s really the point, that envy isn’t just some naturally unavoidable consequence of one person having something that someone else doesn’t: Ben Stiller and his wife are mean jerks from the very start and Jack Black is a good guy, and that never changes throughout the various ups and downs.
I remember thinking this was funny when it came out. Then again, i was 14.
I would like to officially nominate two films for the WMOAT:
1. The 1990 Mel Gibson/Robert Downey Jr. trainwreck that is “Air America”
2. The 1997 thrill-ride “The Edge”, in which Alec Baldwin and Sir Anthony Hopkins fight a f#%king bear.
i’m tired of all the Jack Blacks and Robin Williams; let’s get some grade-A thespians on the WMOAT
I saw both of those and I concur, though Air America seemed like a harmless blow-off at the time. I hope I’ve forgotten some heavy, barely-disguised racism that Gabe can remind us of. (I mean, in the movie.)
Also, Disclosure.
A second for Disclosure – Michael Douglas saves his job by going all Lawnmower Man on Demi Moore. Lawnmower Man! I’m not even kidding. Early 90′s Virtual Reality helmets – all the kids have them!
I nominate the movie Meet the Deedles. Any movie that uses terms like “Frostacular” and “Nutrageous” deserve consideration.
Who is super trigger-happy with the downvotes on this thread?
(Now I’ll get downvoted, just watch.)
Proved you wrong!
Thanks! I always know you got my back!
Whoever is doing these massive downvotes are shittier than this movie.
I’m just upvoting everyone with a -1 to make up for that.
And that is why you’re one of the nicest!
(I’m so glad the vote bitching torch has been picked up by another monster, attempting to storm the castle of rampant ignorance and wanton downvotes.)
Hooray! Let’s paint, exercise, and do nice things! [ For me]
I just turned on my TV and checked out Comedy Central. Without a Paddle is playing. It stars Matthew Lillard, Dax Sheppard, and Seth Green. It is very bad. Though, it doesn’t quite suffer from being misguided and pretentious described in the intro to today’s WMOAT.
My reading skills are questionable, so I initially read that as follows:
“It stars Matthew Lillard, Dax Sheppard, and Seth Green. It is very bad, though.”
Because any movie starring that holy trinity would of course be amazing.
i second this, Without a Paddle is one of the worst movies i’ve ever seen.
i’d also like to nominate The New Guy; I’m sure DJ Qualls doesn’t qualify as a big enough star, but Zooey Deschanel, Eliza Dushku and Eddie Griffin are all in it, sooooo… maybe an exception could be made?… because that movie is a fucking trainwreck.
Oh and I love how the big, popular band in that movie is, um, CREED. Like EVERYBODY loves Creed.
Ur spellin it rong.
F’rizzle though, it’s O. Henry.
Come, Napoleon. The world is safe for now, but someone, somewhere is about to mix up “there” and “their.” To the Insufferablepedantmobile!
Brrrrrrrrrrr zooooooom!
Also, if you got your username from Exene Cervenka I will love you forever.
it would explain a lot to know that this movie was written by a sentient chocolate bar. cut that bar a break, it is a miracle it even knows how to type.
I am totally Greenberg with Envy.
(I also nominate Coyote Ugly for the hunt… I’ve been forgetting to nominate it of late.)
Seconded!
Also:
The Big Bounce
Surrogates
i hereby nominate “the blind side” . (pleeeeeease)
amy poehler as regina george’s mama earns her one get out of jail free card for any piece of shit movie she decided to be in for all eternity.
mean girls > EVERYTHING.
I watched this movie right around the same time I watched a Norm MacDonald movie called “FUNNY BUSINESS”. I watched them both because they belonged to my college roommate, who wore sleeveless shirts every day, had an Insane Clown Posse tattoo, and didn’t actually go to college. Now I get the two of them mixed up in my mind because they are both about horrible manchildren who become implausibly rich based on a single awful business idea. And both movies make me think of my old roomate, who owned and neglected six different snakes, called his male friends “baby”, and tried to strangle me once when I wouldn’t drive him to a morning zoo radio event.
Also, I would like to submit a movie for consideration; a Chinese pseudo-horror film called “Re-Cycle” that starts off as a very uninspired fantasy-ish movie with an interesting aesthetic and rapidly deteriorates into a heavy-handed polemic about abortion and how ignoring your grandparents is bad. Seriously. There’s a scene which I can only describe as “BABY CAVE” that involves the protagonist stuck in a living tunnel filled with really rubbery ‘fetuses’ that all chastise her in unison about her “wasted chance at motherhood”. It’s pretty “intense” and by intense I mean really fucking awful and obnoxious and overwrought and the last scene of the movie is one of the most amazingly awkward bits of OH WOW WHAT A BIG TWIST expositions I’ve ever borne witness to. Seriously, consider this one.
Oh and it’s probably worth noting that it’s directed by the Pang Brothers who are apparently pretty famous so I guess they qualify as A or B-list if you are wicked into bad Chinese horror movies about aborted fetuses and abandoned grandmas.
I’d personally like to nominate The Women. I mean, to me, it was like Sex and The City, but with less talk about clothes (main reason for watching it. Guilty). Oh, also, everything else about it was awful. I mean, everything.
You mean the recent remake, right? Because the original is all SNAPPY DIALOG and HOLLYWOOD POWER BITCHES, it’s pretty great.
Oh YES! PLEASE! How in hell were these women friends with each other in the first place? And pretending you don’t know your husband’s cheating on you is the grossest thing ever. It’s possibly the worst movie I’ve seen in the last decade.
I’d be amused to see you review Collision Course starring Pat Morita and Jay Leno as mismatched cops. It’s as atrocious as it sounds.
Down To You?! I can’t waaaaait! That movie is so awful! And I really thought it was great when I was in the sixth grade because I guess its adult themes made me feel mature, you know?
I thought it was awful even when I was too young to understand it. Back when I gobbled up everything in that weird teen niche.
Man. Earlier today, I went down to the Ugly Shirt Emporium to buy myself an Ugly Shirt. But there was a big “Out of Business” sign. And an old man sitting in a folding chair at the barbershop next door was like “You here for the Ugly Shirts?” I was still so shocked that the USE was closed that all I could do was nod speechlessly. And he said “Too bad, youngin’! All the Ugly Shirts got used up!” Finally, I found my voice and croaked “W-where?” He spit a stream of tobacco juice and looked up at me. “Ain’t you heard tell about that terrible Jack Black movie?” I was so confused. “Which one?” “Yeah, there is a lot of ‘em. I mean Envy. One with Ben Stiller.” I shuddered. “That is the worst movie of all time,” I said. He snorted at me in disgust. “Not hardly, youngin’. Not hardly.”
I learned a lot from that old man. In fact, our story is being made into a Pixar movie that will surely be in the hunt for Oscar instead of the Hunt for The Worst Movie Of All Time. But what is most important about this story is that the old man revealed to me The Worst Movie of All Time and asked that I nominate it here today. So with all due respect for that old man, I nominate The Love Guru.
Thank you.
This is James Franco level so good.
Gabe hangs out in front of the Ugly Shirt emporium?!
Has anyone nominated “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”? Cause that was pretty terrible.
Aw, I love that movie, why didn’t you like it?
It was just so unutterably smug. I don’t know, it seemed to be trying so hard to be “artsy” or something and just came off as pretentious and flat. The characters were all terrible people (which may have been the point?) and they were terrible in terribly cliche and boring ways. And the strangely un-compelling narrator didn’t help, either.
Even more smug and pretentious than this post. Which is pretty darn smug and pretentious.
I think all the meanness the other day broke the reply button
I always hit these threads way too late to be noticed, but here I am anyway.
I’d like to nominate Godfather 3. WMOAT moment: Al Pacino telling Sofia Coppola not to date Andy Garcia because he’s trouble. Nobody seeming to have a problem with the fact that he’s also her FIRST COUSIN.
Way too low in the thread here, but can I make a request that the next round of nominees includes some older movies? I know there are many youngins’ here, but surely we old goats can think of some terrible garbage movies from the 80s and early-to-mid 90s. It would introduce the younger generation to awfulness, and would remind me of the WMOAT version of Gabe’s thirtysomething recaps. Think of how much fun we had learning about how hilarious “Caligula” was! We could do so much more making fun of hair!
Plus it might reassure some of us that movies have been terrible for a while now, and that the world may not actually be getting progressively worse at making quality films (it probably is getting progressively worse at making quality films. But 2012 will be here before we know it!).
Hm, good point, it would definitely be great to look at some older movies BUT NO YOU DID NOT JUST NOMINATE HAIR!!! That is a great movie and no amount of you or Gabe telling me otherwise will change that FACT!
Streamin’ flaxen waxen…
Alright then, I will upvote you because I agree. Let’s nominate more oldish movies, guys!
Also, I obviously didn’t mean the movie Hair. I meant we could make fun of 80s hair. Just to be clear. You get it.
I second Hair.
Really??? FOR REAL NOW?
no. they are all fools.
#1 Musicals are ineligible. Read the Rules. (…find them yourself, I’m not a link machine)
#2 Beverly D’Angelo and Nell Carter
#3 …i don’t know. I haven’t watched this movie in awhile. But I could still sing the songs at a drop of a hat.
*waits for a hat to drop*
*nevermind, i’m already singing*
*it’s ‘Black Boys.’ I’m singing ‘Black Boys’ followed by ‘White Boys’ followed by ‘Easy to be…’ SHUT UP MOM I CAN SING IN MY ROOM IF I WANT! *
In that case, I guess I’ll nominate Exorcist II: The Heretic. The original movie was basically tentacle porn for Catholics, but the sequel is just awesomely incoherent, and has a high tech brain-connecting thingy that makes Linda Blair and Richard Burton look stoned, Richard Burton trying to put out a fire by beating it with a wooden crutch, Louise Fletcher’s Jill Valentine-ish line readings, and James Earl Jones dressed up in a locust costume. It all ends with a locust attack on Washington, DC, and a major character self-immolating herself for…some reason. You will never forget Exorcist II: The Heretic, no matter how much you freebase.
This is precisely the kind of movie I mean. Sounds wonderful! And by wonderful I obviously mean atrocious.
Excellent idea. I nominate Consenting Adults. It’s got it all — loaded with A-list actors (deserving Oscar winners, no less). Also includes angst of the suburban dissatisfaction variety, wife-swapping, murder, gleeful driving of motorcycles out of the back of a long-distance moving van, and Kevin Spacey in a cheap blond wig. Do NOT see this movie unless you like pain.
Also, House of the Spirits. Another loaded cast. Abysmal results.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
I would like to nominate my sisters keeper for the hunt. In case I need to justify it, I will say that it stars Cameron Diaz in a dramatic role. There are other things you could say about it, but none of them really touch that.
also, i nominate backdraft, if only for kurt russell playing both the main character and the main character’s father.
Hey guys. Has anyone else here seen “The Invention of Lying”? talk about misguided and pretentious! The movies plot is hijacked at some point early on where it stops being a one note joke about how rude people would be if they always told the truth (too rude!) and becomes a really simplistic and condescending message about the folly of religious faith. I hadn’t felt so insulted by a movie in ever I think, and to think it came from Ricky Gervais makes me really sad cos I want to love whatever he does. Or maybe I was just really pissed that I hadn’t slept at all on the plane and that colored my viewing experience. Can anyone else vouch for my WMOAT nominee?
So many funny places that movie could have gone. Sadly, it visited none of them.
Yes! Seconded! Especially since I also watched this on a plane, so I feel your pain completely. We were trapped!
And they never really explained how inability to lie = inability to ever keep your mouth shut. What? Just because you can’t tell a lie does NOT mean you have to say everything that’s on your mind! This drove me NUTSO.
That also bothered me about Liar, Liar.
I mean, you may as well call it The Invention of Diarrhea of the Mouth.
remember the first ten seconds of the movie? when jennifer garner answers the door and you realize that this movie is going to be terrible and wonder if you should walk out or not? and you think about how you were 50/50 on whether or not to try and sneak alcohol into the theater but then you decided not to and now you wish you did. but even if you were drunk it wouldn’t be funny, you’d probably just shout things angrily at the screen.
i also blocked out how insanely insulting and reductive it gets in the end. i couldnt even believe it got made without the loudly religious cable news guests taking it to task.
also everyone you like is in this movie and everyone is terrible.
I think I would have enjoyed it if I had watched it with a drunk.
but really The Invention of Lying was just….sad. I wanted it to be Great! It was supposed to be funny! ….and i was also on an airplane…I kept with it because I couldn’t start and finish anything else and I just kept hoping it would get better. so sad.
Jennifer Garner was pretty though, right? that was nice.
i saw it in a theater opening weekend. it was maybe 2/3 full. complete silence.
Would you say “The Invention of Lying” is worse than “Couple’s Retreat”, though? I know that sounds like apples and oranges, but I keep having this same argument with a friend of mine who insists that Couple’s Retreat is both better than TIOL and also a good movie. That’s totally wrong on both counts, right guys? Guys?
i have not seen couple’s retreat, but i would say that the invention of lying is worse, because it aspired to be a good movie, and failed HARD whereas couples retreat really only aspired to be a home movie about bloated middle aged men and their 25 year old wives.
Speaking of misguided (which we were) I hereby nominate Paparazzi which was conceived by Mel Gibson when he was discussing his own experiences of the paps with a few of his show biz pals.
Sooooooo fucking bad, preposterous, morally unsound and it’s inexplicably full of celebrity cameos. It is definitely the worst. Only in Hollywood…
So when I saw the “Disappearing Dog Poop” thing I figured the whole movie would be about that, not just some guys being all jealous? Way to drop the ball on an interesting Twilight Zone premise.
They’ll make another movie and they’ll call it “Welcome Home”, it will be like the episode “Nightmare at 2000 Feet”, where Will Shatner’s character sees the gremlin on the wing, but then the plane lands successfully and the whole movie is about him moving into a new city and making wacky friends. That’s how much this movie drops the ball.
My little brother gave me a used copy of this for Christmas several years ago and we still mock him for giving the worst gift in family history, even worse than when my older brother gave me an empty box for a present.
and empty box would be awesome.
it has so many uses.
I got King of Queens Season 2 for Christmas. I’ll trade you.
“Here’s all you will ever need in life.”
once my brother gave me 9 stuffed talking taco bell mascot dogs for my birthday. cool. thanks bro. these are going to look really good in the garbage.
In high school, I went to go see Envy at an actual drive in. I remember falling asleep in the back of a friend’s car only to be woken by the word “FLAN” being yelled again and again, like a waking nightmare.
Also, I would like to submit “Color of Night” for the WMOAT. Bruce Willis plays a PSYCHIATRIST. If that’s not enough, here’s the product description:
Haunted by the bizarre suicide of a patient, New York psychologist Dr. Bill Capa abandons his successful practice and relocates to L.A., but his encounters there prove as shocking as the chilling event he has run away from, and he immediately finds himself entangled in an explosive sexual relationship with a beautiful but enigmatic woman named Rose, and the investigation into the brutal stabbing murder of a friend and colleague, Dr. Bob Moore. A moth drawn to a flame, Dr. Capa is lured to Rose by his sexual cravings, and he discovers this woman has the power to fulfill his most reckless erotic fantasies. Yet, the more she satisfies him, the more he finds himself enslaved by her manipulation and control. As Capa gets closer to identifying the killer of his patient, Rose becomes an equally tantalizing mystery that he must solve — if he can stay alive long enough to avoid a lunatic murderer who is stalking him.
more movies should feature reckless sexual cravings.
Yes, and Color of Night is reckless with my eyeballs.
I, too, saw Envy at a drive-in! It was a double feature with either Shrek 2 or Princess Diaries 2.
MINE WAS A DOUBLE FEATURE WITH SHREK 2. You’re not from Wisconsin, are you?
OH, YES! I second Color of Night. I’d forgotten (thankfully) all about that movie. There was so much wrong, but then even more that was even more wrong. Or something. I remember the music being especially bad. And that’s saying something, compared to the acting. And script. And whatever else I’m forgetting.
I would like to nominate “The Taking of Pelham 123″. I caught it over the weekend on Starz and went into it assuming it must have some redeeming qualities considering the cast (Denzel, Travolta). Not so. The entire movie you think it is building to an exciting, possibly twist, ending. Not so. But I think the best argument for its inclusion in The Hunt (are we capitalizing this?) is that the line “You can lick my bunghole motherfucker!” was actually “delivered” by Johnny Travolta. Bunghole? Did Butthead write the dialogue for this movie?
This is a short version of what could be a much longer pitch pleading for this films inclusion. If you still aren’t convinced, just know that Travolta’s character also regales the audience with a story of the time he took an ass model to Iceland as proof that he once was a high roller. Ya.
Precious based on the novel “Push” by Saphire (for that title alone it should be nominated). Plus Mariah Carey and Lenny Kravitz. Acting? End of days.
Also, End Of Days.
These writeups are always a stitch (the good kind, whatever that is). I’d like to toss Repo Men and Law Abiding Citizen into the mix. Or how about Bug, with Ashley Judd? Or 2012?
Wait, Repo MEN or Repo MAN? The one with Jude Law or the one with Emilio Estevez?
Has anyone already nominated Cube, or is that a secret favorite?
Secret favorite, evidently.
I will second. Cube is by no means a “good movie.”
I am to Gothika as werrtrew is to Amelia.
So, Gothika.
I would like to nominate The Blue Lagoon. All I could think of was WMOAT and the things Gabe could come up with to make me giggle.
Thank you, Gabe. Sorry your eyes had to deal with this movie. The worst thing about “Envy” is that it really thinks it is being madcap and outrageous and all the while I kept waiting for even just one joke to land, just one tiny giggle even, and nothing.
I would like to nominate “The Lookout,” because if it’s self-important pretentiousness that lights you up, you’re going to love (hate) this one.
PS: I love “High Fidelity”!
You think this Ben Stiller movie is awful? I nominate The Heartbreak Kid, which is the worst Ben Stiller movie I have ever seen and also the worst of other things.
It can’t be worse than “Dodge Ball,” can it?
remakes are making me angry today. the women! the heartbreak kid! these movies don’t make sense outside of the time period they were made in! leave it alone, hollywood.
I second The Heartbreak Kid. Fuck me. The Worst.
Oh man I just watched the first 15 minutes of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. It is unreal. The whole thing is in front of a green screen and the art director or cinematographer or head animator or whoever works on a movie like that decided the whole thing would look best in soft focus… From the movie’s wikipedia entry:
“Stephen Holden of The New York Times lauded its visuals and its evocation of a bygone era but felt that ‘the monochromatic variations on sepia keep the actors and their adventures at a refined aesthetic distance … At times the film is hard to see.’” That’s him lauding!
It also stars Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow. It features Angelina Jolie. It cost $70M to make and finished with a $50M worldwide gross. It’s a major failure on many levels!
It’s DEFINITELY more like the misguided pretentious movies you describe in this week’s intro than Without a Paddle or whatever I nominated earlier.
Dear lord I nominate the movie “Antichrist.”
Words cannot describe how much I hated this movie. And I’m an evil atheist progressive who dabbles in morbidity on weekends. Just… watch it. And I apologize.
Ok I’ll give a tad more explanation: there is a scene that serves as a Microcosm of the Bad.
In extreme EVIL SLO-MO (patent pending), “He” (yes, He), played by Willem Defoe (yes, Willem Defoe), watches a doe watch him. He watches the Doe, and the Doe watches He. Then the doe turns, and we/He slowly (evilly) see that there is a dead calfetus hanging out of the doe’s rear area. Then we start Antichrist: Chapter 2: Pain (or despair or pain i forget).
Why do we see this? Ha. I’m not surprised you ask that Mr. Ikea-chair. Because, man. Because.
Ok you really need an explanation? Because like it’s gross but it’s also beautiful. Like death and life are connected.
Ok, yeah I guess Lion King got the same idea across and actually used a narrative. But let me ask you this: did Lion King have show a penis ejaculating blood?
I didn’t think so. That’s how much more deep this movie is. Here watch the penis again.
Review Dream for an Insomniac. Has Ione Skye and Jennifer Aniston. So bad, that the creator had to change her name. To Shine Barlow. True story.
I’m really not a fan of these choices for worst movie of all time. I liked envy. I thought it was really original. Bad movies? Try anything with Paris Hilton or 95% of Nicolas Cages’ filmography or The Island of Dr. Moreau, a total Val Kilmer blunder.