Dear OMG Cat,
Congratulations. I can only imagine how exciting it is to be the Cat of the Day. Very? I bet very. In fact, I would argue that you are the Animal of the Day. So double congratulations on your success. I’m going to keep this letter brief, because I don’t want to take up too much time when I’m sure you’d probably rather be out celebrating than reading open letters on the Internet. I just wanted to remind you to enjoy it. I know that you’re probably thinking, “Shut up, old man, of course I am enjoying it, why don’t you crawl back into your wheelchair and die.” What a rude thing of you to say! But I understand you reluctance to hear me out. I was once young, OMG Cat. I know the full flush of youthful arrogance and undirected outrage. I’m just saying enjoy it. You won’t be around forever. Think of Dramatic Chipmunk. Where’s he today? I will tell you where he is: Chipmunk Heaven. Dead. From cocaine.
But for today, let’s enjoy your triumph together. You earned it.
OMG, indeed, OMG Cat, OMG indeed.
(Animal of the Day, Sept. 23, 1999.)