On last night’s episode of Gossip Girl there was indeed a party. Obviously. If there were ever an episode of this show that did not feature a party, government agents would raid the CW offices and nationalize the network. But it was a college party, and the only people who were there were Dan and Vanessa. It was so weird! Wasn’t there some funereal brunch for everyone to attend hosted in some dignitary’s honor? Wasn’t there the release of a new towel design from famed Upper East Side towel designer, Bipsy Stupide? When everyone is off having their own individual plotlines I start to get deeply uncomfortable, because I know how uncomfortable they must feel without the elaborately orchestrated machinations that bring them all together on such a regular basis. “I need my security party.” That is what these babies say. “I pooped my John Varvatos canvas diaper.”

Anyway, Dan and Vanessa are at a party with separate dates to prove that they can still be friends, even though they had a threesome with Hilary Duff. Classic college stuff. It is some kind of “beach” themed party, and it literally lasts for days.

Seriously, like, this episode covers the span of a couple days, and Dan and Vanessa are at the party the whole time. Huh? I know that this show is a piece of garbage that momentarily slipped from the bag and rolled down the sidewalk and has somehow managed to escape the gaze of the searching garbage men. (“Where is that piece of garbage?” “Don’t worry, Harry, we’ll find it, and when we do, we will throw it away.”) But is everyone who watches it seriously so stupid and so lazy that they don’t even need to follow a realistically temporal reality? Whatever. Cool party!

Stuff is super awkward with Dan and Vanessa. They both brought separate dates, but what they really want is to be with each other. I really hope they work it out. Oh, look, they worked it out.

That was easier than I thought. Or just as easy. Hard to tell sometimes. Oh, at the party, at one point (see above) Vanessa is like “we can’t be friends right now, there’s too much pressure,” and Dan says, AND I QUOTE, “No pressure. Hey, problem solved. What could be friendlier than taking a mock photo.” ACTUAL LINE OF DIALOGUE IN A TV SHOW. Absolute nonsense. This show may be about children educated in some of the world’s most elite private schools, but it is for retards. So anyway, bing bong, Dan and Vanessa are back together. Vanessa rates their sex as an A- because of “the elbow incident” but otherwise gives it an A+. I give it a Gross+ and two thumbs up in my eyes.

Meanwhile, Jenny is still hanging out with the Keebler Drug Elf. It’s Saturday night, and Jenny wants to go out. But he has brought a copy of the Endless Rainbow Trilogy. (THE ENDLESS RAINBOW TRILOGY.) Except, surprise, it’s not the Endless Rainbow Trilogy (THE ENDLESS RAINBOW TRILOGY!) after all, it is full of delicious drugs. They are going to go out and deliver the drugs at some clubs and parties tonight, but he needs to leave them at Jenny’s house for now. “Well, that’s the one good thing about my parents being in this huge, unexplained fight.” Haha. Yeah. Your ability to hide drugs is definitely a great thing about that huge, unexplained fight that is just as huge as it is unexplained. Keebler is like, “I can think of some other things.” Yuck. What a weasel. Someone needs to put a nanny cam in Jenny’s room with a closed circuit feed to the warden. He will know what to do.

Lily comes looking for Jenny while Jenny and Keebler are comically counting all of their drugs on the bed. Whoops! Lily is like “What is going on here, or do I even have to ask.” Well, to be fair Lily, you probably have to ask. Because you are a terrible and negligent parent who has absolutely zero engagement with or interest in the lives of your children. FOR EXAMPLE: where is your teenage son, Eric? That is what I thought, Lily. You don’t know. Anyway, now Lily is so mad, and here comes Rufus, and he is mad too, because whatever they both lack in parenting skills, they both make up for in extreme emotional reactions. “Maybe if I look upset enough, my children will have boundaries.” Actually, when Rufus shows up, what he says is, “OK, Lily, what’s so important that you couldn’t tell me over the phone?” JESUS CHRIST, RUFUS HUMPHREY, YOU HAVE A TEENAGE DAUGHTER LIVING IN THAT FUCKING HOUSE YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT. What a cunt. Rufus Humphrey is a cunt.

So he is going to punish Jenny by making her move back to Brooklyn and telling her that she can’t see Keebler anymore. Haha. Classic parenting. Very very good parenting. It is almost TOO effective to tell a teenager that they aren’t allowed to see someone anymore. Do you remember in the movie Face/Off how John Travolta had a surly teenager who hated him? And how it was only through the traumatic experience of having her father’s face transplanted onto a murderer and having her father/murderer hold her at gunpoint and lick her face and almost kill everyone she knew that she decided to become a normal teenager and obey her parents? Because of how serious, violent trauma is just such super effective at making people more well-adjusted, always? Rufus and Lily are seriously in the Face/Off school of parenting. “You are going to move back to Brooklyn, little girl, where I can keep a better eye on you as long as I am not on a skiing trip, or at the downstairs neighbor’s house, or wandering the streets aimlessly trying to think of a tour name for if I decide to get the band back together again and hit the road.”

Jenny decides to stand up to her father…by dropping all the drugs on the floor?

Kids stand up to their parents the darndest things, I guess. Rufus is like “whose drugs are those?!” and Jenny is like “they’re mine.” Uhhh, Jenny? I don’t think you thought this one through. Your father has already decided to make you move back to Brooklyn and forbid you from seeing the Keebler Drug Elf. I’m just not sure that I understand how pretending like a ton of drugs belong to you is going to get you what you want. (As if I know what you want. As if YOU know what you want.) But it kind of works, insofar as Keebler won’t let Jenny take the fall for the drugs, and insists that they are his, and then insists that they are his father’s. OH BOY, HERE WE GO. He explains that his dad is a drug addict (you know how drug addict dads looooooove ecstasy) and how he just wishes he had a dad who wasn’t a drug addict or something, and how he is always bringing his dad’s drugs to his friends’ houses and counting them on the bedspread because it makes him feel less alone. Within two seconds Lily goes “OH, I SEE, THEY ARE YOUR DAD’S DRUGS, I AM SORRY I MISJUDGED YOU.” Good work, Lily, or should I say, DETECTIVE Lily. You’ve been promoted! Junior grade! Rufus does her even one better, though. He says “I definitely believe your story, but Jenny still has to move back to Brooklyn and never see you again. And you know what, maybe I need to move back to Brooklyn, too.” Huh? Where have you been living, then? I’m sorry. My bad. Never ask a dad a question, I know. So Jenny runs away. Again. Remember how your daughter does that, Rufus? Whoops. You should really find out what your kids are into (“I’m super into running away” — Jenny Humprhoys)

High fives all around. We are all doing great at life.

Meanwhile, the door man (who I know has a name and I know is “dating” Derota, but I refuse to acknowledge this, and so he is just the door man as far as I am concerned) is like, “Hey, Lily, I know that you are a super rich person living in a building full of rich people, and I am just the door man, and so everything about this situation suggests that we all use extreme discretion and treat privacy as the most valuable commodity, but here is Rufus’s scarf that he left in the downstairs single woman neighbor’s apartment. She definitely told me that he left it in her apartment, because she would tell the door man that information for sure and not just casually drop it off and say she found it in the elevator or some other simple and completely believable excuse. And I am telling you this now because I for sure do not value my job and do not see any reason not to meddle in the private lives of the people who live in this building.” Lily is like, “thanks, door man.”

Also: Chuck’s mom. This plotline is just too ridiculous and elaborate. What am I? A 50-year-old woman watching her “stories.” No. I am a 50-year-old man watching his “stories.” Needless to say, there is lots of meddling from Serena, who at one point has a private one-on-one meeting with Chuck’s newfound secret mom, because she didn’t know her dad, and that is what gives her the right to be all up everyone’s butts. Anyway, Chuck tries to buy his mom out as a test, but it doesn’t work (yay?) and she gives him back his money and Chuck says “at least let me buy you a drink.” You know how it is when you are 19 and you meet your mom for the first time. You are always testing her with bribery, and then treating her like a floozy you are picking up at a rundown piano bar if she passes. Standard practice.

Also, for the second week in a row, will someone please for the love of fucking God explain to me why Serena and Nate keep hanging out in Blair’s mom’s house by themselves?

THAT IS NOT EITHER OF YOUR’S HOUSE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE CARE ABOUT THIS? I suppose people would have to care about this show before they could care about this weird detail on the show. But they don’t. And fair enough. Carry on, designers.

Next week: a brunch or a dinner party or a funeral or a chandelier industry conference keynote speech or something to bring these disparate stories together for once!