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It’s hard to believe that the most important and wonderful night of the year is already here once again. I’m so excited to see which of these famous and successful millionaires gets an intellectually and creatively bankrupt symbol of a callous and self-obsessed industry’s lavish self-affirmation. Just kidding! LET’S TALK ABOUT THE DRESSES! Just kidding again! The truth is, the Academy Awards are overripe and exhausting garbage nonsense, but they are OUR overripe and exhausting garbage nonsense. As a deeply entrenched American tradition, we are required to enjoy and celebrate this “wonderful” occasion, LIKE A FAMILY. And so we do! Right? So make a Precioustini and let’s watch the Oscars together tonight, because if we don’t, then what were all the wars about anyway? We will have an exciting (very exciting) live-Twitter feed going at http://www.twitter.com/videogum, the highlights of which you can follow after the jump, if you are anti-Twitter, which is, to be honest, a completely reasonable thing to be.
AND THE ENVELOPE PLEASE! (Oh jeez, it is going to be a long night, and we are off to a terrible start.)
11:58 Congratulations to Tom Hanks for just GETTING THE JOB DONE. (And congratulations to The Hurt Locker for Best Picture.)
11:57 Don’t worry, Jason Reitman, the Worst Director Oscar is still to come!
11:53 Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker) wins for Best Director. MAKE HER FEEL GOOD!
11:46 Avatar for Best Actress! (Sandra Bullock wins for The Barf Side.)
11:45 Um, Peter Sarsgaard’s speech about Carey Mulligan was the grossest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.
11:42 It was very brave of Forest Whittaker to take credit for Hope Floats. American hero. South Beach diet.
11:31 Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor. STAY WITH ME, DVR.
11:30 My DVR just threatened to go into “sleep mode” and I honestly was hard pressed to convince it not to.
11:28 It is so awesome to hear how much these famous millionaires respect the other famous millionaires.
11:15 El Secreto De Sus Ojos wins for Best Foreign Picture, AKA Best Foreign Lorrie.
11:06 The Hurt Locker wins for Best Editing.
11:05 Tyler Perry is almost as bad at delivering this pre-written banter as he is at delivering his own scripts!
11:02: The Cove wins Best Documentary.
10:55 AVATAR WAS ROBBED oh wait (Best Visual Effects).
10:51 Up wins for Best Original Score. POP! LOCK!
10:49 If there is one thing that I think of when I think about Pixar’s beautiful and heartbreaking movie Up, it’s “poppin and lockin’” #oscars #huh
10:48 I can’t wait to hear Randy Jackson’s critiques of all the dancers. #americasnextbestoscardancecrew
10:47 This interpretive dancing really brings the wonderful Sherlock Holmes score to life! #oscars #sarcasm #howmuchmore
10:38 The audience should be asked to hold their applause until the end of the death montage, because these shifts are super uncomfortable.
10:36 FINALLY, the In Memorium montage. R.I.P. guys.
10:34 Avatar wins for Best Cinematography. Never has a computer been more deserving!
10:25 And a special award to anyone who knows the difference between Sound Mixing/Sound Editing.
10:25 The Hurt Locker wins for Sound Mixing.
10:24 The Hurt Locker wins for Sound Editing.
10:21 DEAR OSCARS, BEETLEJUICE IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE, AND NOR IS TWILIGHT. LEPRECHAUN IS, SO ONE POINT THERE, I AM GOING CRAZY WITH THIS SHIT.
10:11 Some lady wins yet another Oscar for Costume Design. Selfish. (The Young Victoria wins.)
10:05 Avatar wins for Best Art Direction. Fair enough.
10:00 The motto of this year’s Oscars is “Zero Upsets, Zero Suprises: The Borings.” (Mo’nique wins for Best Supporting Actress.)
9:54 That is simply too many lamps, Robin Williams.
9:50 Congratulations to Jeffrey Fletcher for naming his screenplay Best Adapted Screenplay: The Movie. (Precious wins.)
9:40 Star Trek wins for best make up (and worst backwards Kangol)
9:35 The New Tenants wins Best Live Action Short
9:33 Music by Prudence for Best Documentary Short
9:31 Logorama wins Best Animated Short
9:25 “Which movie will win for Best Special Effects, will it be Avatar, District 9, or Star Trek?” SHUT UP, OSCARS.
9:23 Sorry, John Cryer, but you still did not deserve that Emmy, and no amount of John Hughes dying will change that.
9:19 It is important to state facts. RT @ChelseaVPeretti: Molly Ringwald has pretty eyes……………………….
9:18 Matthew Broderick looks like he’s vying for a role in a movie about a magician’s doll who comes to life.
9:14 Mark Boal wins for Best Original Screenplay for The Hurt Locker.
9:12 Great presentations of Oscars begin with gr–TIMING!
9:04 Congratulations to the song that won Best Song! I am going to assume you were better or somehow more deserving than the other songs! (the song from Crazy Heart for Best Song)
8:58 It’s OK if Up beats Fantastic Mr. Fox for Best Animated Feature, because Fox will win Best Picture, right? (Up for Best Animated Feature)
8:48 WOODY HARRELSON WAS NOT ROBBED! (Christopher Waltz wins Best Supporting Actor.)
8:41 This is hard to say, but I liked Alec Baldwin more on the Marriage Ref, and the Marriage Ref was terrible!
8:31 Am I at the Oscars, or am I at prom? Doesmn’t matter! Both are awful!
8:27 Interviewing Taylor Latuner for 10 seconds is definitely going to make the Oscars more appealing to the 12-13 demographic.
8:17 Someone should probably tell Antonio Banderas that auditions for The Wolf Man ended 18 months ago, or whatever.
8:11 I think something is wrong with Kathy Ireland’s S1M0NE software.
8:01 It’s weird that Kathy Ireland spent all that time as a model when she should clearly have been a professional talker. #sarcasm
8:00 Goodbye, Ryan Seacrest. Goodnight sweet prince!
7: 37 It was incredibly brave of Barbara Walters to conduct her Oscar Special in The View studio after 9/11. American Hero.
7:30 you guys, quick question: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
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Keeanu Reeves is look FINE!
I just realized we were deprived of seeing Jason Reitman pout when he lost. The art of the inappropriate reaction shot is missing in award shows these days.
That cervical cancer commercial?
“It’s been thirty long years since a whore had its place on this show.” – Kristen Stewart
“Oh no, now my Oscar moment will be immortalized next to this woman wearing drapery”
- Tom Ford, ex-fashion designer
eh. he couldn’t tell. do you know how hard it is to see through slit eyes?
i like how the costume lady was all “please don’t give me any more oscars, they don’t really go with the rest of my decor, they are kinda just clutter at this point.”
SHIT! I just found out a theater here was hosting a “See the Oscars in Snuggies” Party. I am missing the Par-tay
That last bit would have been funnier if Zach Galifinakis would have showed up in it and stared at the camera and/or the hosts while they were sleeping
“Tonight, we give a genre that has been largely dominated by garbage for decades it’s due.”
Cheap, disposable horror films are just about all that Hollywood can handle right now, so they might as well start trying to glamorize them.
I think the Oscars just got horror and horrible confused. Twilight
On the other hand, both Bruce Campbell and the Leprechaun were both just shown on an Oscar telecast… I can officially go to bed happy.
Just because you get most of the questions right on the test doesn’t mean you get a 100%
Just making lemonade outta what I can.
Just trying to make sure you aren’t putting too much sugar in it. Diabetes is a major problem in America.
If I was schizophrenic I would want Morgan Freeman to be the voice in my head.
it would take soooooooooo long for him to tell you do anything
A rare miss, Morgan Freeman. A rare miss.
every time i see the Bat-pod come out of that alleyway I scream like a twilighter
whoever upvoted that I am making us friendship necklaces of the bat symbol
Its the best irony that the categories for Sound Editing and Mixing had the worst audio of the night!
Hurt Locker winning in the sound categories, looks like the Oscars are apologizing for giving Hurt Locker’s Best Picture award to Avatar.
OH! Whose the Hottest Dance Troupe on TV going to be? Guesses?
wow this is great. im watching a rerun of micheal waltrips talent show on speed and reading u guys snarky comments, that way i dont have to actually watch the travesty ur complaining about. seriously u guys are doing brave work.
I see you
Alright guys, who let Eli Roth into the Oscars?
He is there to kill Hitler
Cinematography: the one category that would have benefited from footage and we didn’t see a lick of it. Well done, Oscar telecast!
You’ve got silly expectations.
I was thinking the same thing
It’s very sad that I was expecting Demi to make a twitter joke.
grooving out to myself singing a song to pictures of dead people. we rule James Taylor. we rule
Dom Deluise died?
Yup, about 20 years after his career
BOOO! HISSSSSSSSSSSTH
There’s a horror series called “Happy Town”? Someone call an ambulance. I just died of LAUGHTER.
Happy Town, ABC desperately looking for something to replace the hole that Lost will leave, premiering April 23rd
Film Music + Break Dancers = I’m confused…
If you ever wondered what happens to contestants on So You Think You Can Dance, presented by the Oscars
Why am i hearing the sound of their feet and floor sliding? somebody is getting fired tonight.
should i hit the mute button on the overhead mics? no? really, i can hear people coughing. COUGHING!
Is this real life?
Break Dancers + Fantastic Mr. Fox score = Ridiculous.
Score to Up as interpreted by the stars of Step Up.
Step Up Up
….2 THE STREETS
I can’t believe how relevant and appropriate all that dancing was.
Hands down, the best part of the Oscars. No Sarcasm
These dancers so didn’t get what Up was about, but they were spot on with The Hurt Locker.
what a great gap commercial that was. kind of long though.
Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper. Two very good actors.
Wonder who will win a visual effects Oscar?
Oh? Avatar won something else? *yawn*
Avatar? Man everyone’s Oscar pool just got screwed up on that one.
“just remember, the world you are living in is just as amazing as the one we created for you. so PLEASE DON’T KILL YOURSELVES”
It’s like the Oscars know when I’m upset and then they put on Michael Bluth and I try not to smile, but I can’t help it.
I think George Clooney is just winning this entire night.
can i get a gif of him simulating a blow job? because what a weirdo.
I’d like a GIF of his dancing quite a bit.
will history be made tonight? will the academy end its 82 years of sexism? better phrasing
I think that was the 12th time they showed George Clooney, if he would have brought his Oscar Rewards punch card he would have gotten a free Oscar
I see all the documentaries are covering super light topics, as per usual
uh-oh someone has a poster! are we going to get a speach?
Text Dolphin to…whoops…cut away
text dolphin to this old man and his wife
that was my favorite part of the whole damn night. aside from keanu goatee stroke of course
Text Dolphin 44144 and Tyler Perry will get off the stage
i wish.
District 9 was robbed for Best Documentary Feature.
Again a category that would have benefited from visuals yet not provided with one. #BestCinematography #BestEditing
this is too boring. i give up.
You tried and that is all that matters.
Wow. Dancing with the Stars is still a show I will never watch.
Is it fair that a figure skater(dancing on ice) and a Pussy Cat Doll are on a dance competition meant for celebrities with little to no dance experience? Also will Ocho Cinco get fined by the NFL for celebratory dancing?
No, it’s not really fair at all but this is a very important subject I have researched and apparently that doesn’t matter.
“The Milk of Sorrow” wins all the LOLs. That is basically the title of every foreign movie in a comedy about what foreign movies are titled.
Germany was robbed, insert racist Jewish joke that seems funny in your heard but wish you could go back in time and not say it once it is uttered. #MichaelRichardsIfHeWasYellingAtJewsInstead
* head
Bates I think you meant, “It is the worst.”
Avatar looks a little Cheesy without the glasses….
I keep Coke in my mailbox!
Give the world a Coke
I’m ten for twenty right now. Damn.
They better hurry, the Oscars only have five minutes until Barbara Walters comes on ABC
Toehead? is that racsist? YOU RACSIST MICHELLE PFIEFFER!
I think I definitely wasted my time watching this and not studying for my 10 AM french exam.
This is definitely what Asher Roth was talking about.
apparently george clooney is dreamy.
they said it on the oscars so it must be true!
This is like five people getting an HJ but only one of them gets to cum
umm…bummer.
They had five people up there, do they need someone else to come out and announce the nominations?
They are spending triple the time on this award.
“Just friends” spooning
I like how Jeremy Renner being nice to people “regardless of their station” makes him “an absolute inspiration.”
Acting category shocker #3- Man the Oscars are full of excitement and surprises. I don’t even know why I waste so much time on the comments section of Videogum when I could be getting high off the glory that is the Oscars?
…except I am up there without you..but you know what I mean, man.
I didn’t know there was sign language for I want a crappy burger with lettuce and pickles.
A well-deserved win for Jeff Bridges…and completely unexpected. I hope his next role is a Tron sequel…
OPRAH?
Sarsgaard’s SARS Guard
i think Sandra Bullock is doing a reverse Nic Cage, where she did a lifetime of shit movies BEFORE her oscar
Hey! Sandra Bullock did SOME good movies…
poor Forest Whitacker. Maybe they should give him an oscar for pretending Sandra Bullock has subtleties or a magic of the human spirit, or yknow that she can act. at all.
at first i thought he might have been winking, to let us know that he was just joking.
I second that nomination
PPRRREEEECCCIOUUUUUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look under you seat. Everyone is getting an OOOOOSCAAAARR!!!!!!!!
when you grabbed that bucket of chicken and ran, you took America’s heart with you
I’m going to need at least 20 more upvotes, stat!
Peter Sarsgaard says to hell with your spoiler alerts!
Was wondering when he was going to show up, I guess the Haiti problem got solved just in time for him to present the Oscar for an Actress in a Leading Role.
Shocker #4
To be honest, I am really shocked. Like, I have eyes and ears and I’m pretty sure America does too so this is wrong.
Are you shocked that everyone’s predictions were right or are you shocked we just let someone win an award that doesn’t really mean much(ask Cuba Gooding Jr.) that she didn’t really deserve?
That she won that award however, I don’t really pay attention to Oscar predictions so this is mostly my fault.
No it is my fault for paying attention to Oscar predictions.
I’m. I have no words to express my extreme disapproval.
Give that Oscar back Sandra. That is NOT yours. BAD Sandra. YOU GIVE THAT BACK.
oh …. lots of love. but these awards *spoiler alert* don’t actually mean anything.
Sure, it starts with her grabbing the oscar. But next thing you know, she’ll be peeing on the carpet and chewing the furniture. We need to set boundaries.
Sandra Bullock, the first person to win an Oscar and a Razzies for acting in the same year. The world, the first six billion people to not really care.
When asked about Kathryn Bigelow’s success at the Academy Awards, James Cameron was quoted as saying “Yeah, well. She wouldn’t have been as good of a director if I hadn’t came in her. In a way, my semen won Best Director tonight.”
I thought we didn’t have race or gender lines in America anymore?
Oh Babs you tease! The African American’s were on the edge of their seats!
OH! that lady who was crying when Mo’Nique won an Oscar was SAPPHIRE author of the book Precious by Sapphire. …huh. the more you know.
We all know she really won for her tremendous work in Hope Floats
Sh sh sh, doesn’t matter who.
James Cameron fake congratulating his ex wife on beating him. Who says Oscars don’t have drama?
This is just a lifetime award for Point Break
I am so happy, actually. And Kathryn is Cameron’s ex wife? Victory is sweet.
it was the moment of a lifetime! or was it a moment that seemed to last a lifetime? for the viewing public, i mean. is that what they actually meant?
I was really hoping she would do a “been waiting 400 years for this” Halle Berry speech
I have a coworker who I guarantee will spend all day tomorrow dancing clumsily around and telling me what an amazing historic moment this is. Except when she is bitterly complaining that this moment has come too late in history and we all should be upset.
Really? Really, Oscar band?
i am woman hear me roar mother fuckers!
Helen Reddy forever!!
That announcer is very enthusiastic about The Hurt Locker winning best picture.
TWIST!
Avatar wasn’t robbed.
Everybody just lost their chances at popcorn.
Good job guys we made it through the 2nd level of Hell. I couldn’t have done without you guys.
i didn’t sew this cross on to my chest for nothing
and… …just like that … it was done.