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It’s hard to believe that the most important and wonderful night of the year is already here once again. I’m so excited to see which of these famous and successful millionaires gets an intellectually and creatively bankrupt symbol of a callous and self-obsessed industry’s lavish self-affirmation. Just kidding! LET’S TALK ABOUT THE DRESSES! Just kidding again! The truth is, the Academy Awards are overripe and exhausting garbage nonsense, but they are OUR overripe and exhausting garbage nonsense. As a deeply entrenched American tradition, we are required to enjoy and celebrate this “wonderful” occasion, LIKE A FAMILY. And so we do! Right? So make a Precioustini and let’s watch the Oscars together tonight, because if we don’t, then what were all the wars about anyway? We will have an exciting (very exciting) live-Twitter feed going at http://www.twitter.com/videogum, the highlights of which you can follow after the jump, if you are anti-Twitter, which is, to be honest, a completely reasonable thing to be.
AND THE ENVELOPE PLEASE! (Oh jeez, it is going to be a long night, and we are off to a terrible start.)
11:58 Congratulations to Tom Hanks for just GETTING THE JOB DONE. (And congratulations to The Hurt Locker for Best Picture.)
11:57 Don’t worry, Jason Reitman, the Worst Director Oscar is still to come!
11:53 Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker) wins for Best Director. MAKE HER FEEL GOOD!
11:46 Avatar for Best Actress! (Sandra Bullock wins for The Barf Side.)
11:45 Um, Peter Sarsgaard’s speech about Carey Mulligan was the grossest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.
11:42 It was very brave of Forest Whittaker to take credit for Hope Floats. American hero. South Beach diet.
11:31 Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor. STAY WITH ME, DVR.
11:30 My DVR just threatened to go into “sleep mode” and I honestly was hard pressed to convince it not to.
11:28 It is so awesome to hear how much these famous millionaires respect the other famous millionaires.
11:15 El Secreto De Sus Ojos wins for Best Foreign Picture, AKA Best Foreign Lorrie.
11:06 The Hurt Locker wins for Best Editing.
11:05 Tyler Perry is almost as bad at delivering this pre-written banter as he is at delivering his own scripts!
11:02: The Cove wins Best Documentary.
10:55 AVATAR WAS ROBBED oh wait (Best Visual Effects).
10:51 Up wins for Best Original Score. POP! LOCK!
10:49 If there is one thing that I think of when I think about Pixar’s beautiful and heartbreaking movie Up, it’s “poppin and lockin’” #oscars #huh
10:48 I can’t wait to hear Randy Jackson’s critiques of all the dancers. #americasnextbestoscardancecrew
10:47 This interpretive dancing really brings the wonderful Sherlock Holmes score to life! #oscars #sarcasm #howmuchmore
10:38 The audience should be asked to hold their applause until the end of the death montage, because these shifts are super uncomfortable.
10:36 FINALLY, the In Memorium montage. R.I.P. guys.
10:34 Avatar wins for Best Cinematography. Never has a computer been more deserving!
10:25 And a special award to anyone who knows the difference between Sound Mixing/Sound Editing.
10:25 The Hurt Locker wins for Sound Mixing.
10:24 The Hurt Locker wins for Sound Editing.
10:21 DEAR OSCARS, BEETLEJUICE IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE, AND NOR IS TWILIGHT. LEPRECHAUN IS, SO ONE POINT THERE, I AM GOING CRAZY WITH THIS SHIT.
10:11 Some lady wins yet another Oscar for Costume Design. Selfish. (The Young Victoria wins.)
10:05 Avatar wins for Best Art Direction. Fair enough.
10:00 The motto of this year’s Oscars is “Zero Upsets, Zero Suprises: The Borings.” (Mo’nique wins for Best Supporting Actress.)
9:54 That is simply too many lamps, Robin Williams.
9:50 Congratulations to Jeffrey Fletcher for naming his screenplay Best Adapted Screenplay: The Movie. (Precious wins.)
9:40 Star Trek wins for best make up (and worst backwards Kangol)
9:35 The New Tenants wins Best Live Action Short
9:33 Music by Prudence for Best Documentary Short
9:31 Logorama wins Best Animated Short
9:25 “Which movie will win for Best Special Effects, will it be Avatar, District 9, or Star Trek?” SHUT UP, OSCARS.
9:23 Sorry, John Cryer, but you still did not deserve that Emmy, and no amount of John Hughes dying will change that.
9:19 It is important to state facts. RT @ChelseaVPeretti: Molly Ringwald has pretty eyes……………………….
9:18 Matthew Broderick looks like he’s vying for a role in a movie about a magician’s doll who comes to life.
9:14 Mark Boal wins for Best Original Screenplay for The Hurt Locker.
9:12 Great presentations of Oscars begin with gr–TIMING!
9:04 Congratulations to the song that won Best Song! I am going to assume you were better or somehow more deserving than the other songs! (the song from Crazy Heart for Best Song)
8:58 It’s OK if Up beats Fantastic Mr. Fox for Best Animated Feature, because Fox will win Best Picture, right? (Up for Best Animated Feature)
8:48 WOODY HARRELSON WAS NOT ROBBED! (Christopher Waltz wins Best Supporting Actor.)
8:41 This is hard to say, but I liked Alec Baldwin more on the Marriage Ref, and the Marriage Ref was terrible!
8:31 Am I at the Oscars, or am I at prom? Doesmn’t matter! Both are awful!
8:27 Interviewing Taylor Latuner for 10 seconds is definitely going to make the Oscars more appealing to the 12-13 demographic.
8:17 Someone should probably tell Antonio Banderas that auditions for The Wolf Man ended 18 months ago, or whatever.
8:11 I think something is wrong with Kathy Ireland’s S1M0NE software.
8:01 It’s weird that Kathy Ireland spent all that time as a model when she should clearly have been a professional talker. #sarcasm
8:00 Goodbye, Ryan Seacrest. Goodnight sweet prince!
7: 37 It was incredibly brave of Barbara Walters to conduct her Oscar Special in The View studio after 9/11. American Hero.
7:30 you guys, quick question: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
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No, thanks. I already had my own pizza, like the anti-social person that I am.
Some people can’t handle the truth. I literally just ingested two slices of cheese pizza. Uh.
The Oscars are not live on the west coast, so I guess you could say I’m an OSCAR GROU——*gunshot*
Well, that was unnecessarily violent.
This need to be put in the Smithsonian for sevices in the field of upvotes.
Alright give it a rest try hard.
hello friend:
http://closedcaptioned.tumblr.com/post/430685373
I’m wearing my pajama jeans and my Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suit of course
Damn it! Didn’t my publicist call you publicist about my pajama jeans ensemble?
The lady who sold it to me said it was one of a kind dammit
Do not worry. I converted the snuggie into a shawl.
How do I vote for Topher Grace? And where’s my damn videogum chat link with associated humourous gif?
Today, Monsters, I am wearing my “grouchy” robe
I’ve replaced my “grouchy robe” with my “casually sarcastic” two-piece and I’m ready to go!
I’m liking your mood outfits
“My wardrobe resembles a hormonal teenager’s closet of memories.”
Comment courtesy of Capu’s “Analogy loafers”
I went for the sweatpants instead of the pj pants tonight because HELLO it’s the Oscars.
I’m wearing my prison issued orange jumpsuit. Watching in the common rooms with some very giddy Bloods (Crypts are not interested).
I hope this is the year Beaches finally wins.
I have got a commitment tonight so I can’t chat, but for those who want to Oscar chat tonight: http://videogum.com/chat
What will chat be without werttrew?
I got downvoted? Seriously?
I’m wearing a predatory grin.
Apparently Seacrest is pretending that he liked Couples’ Retreat. I guess that means he deserves an Oscar tonight.
my cable company no longer carries abc. my life remains unglamorous.
Cablevision emailed me with helpful links to sites that are streaming the Oscars. They also pointed out that all ABC’s fun shows are free to watch online. I like that Cablevision is taking the hard line, but I also hate that they charge people arbitrarily high rates for the transfer of information because of the semi-monopolistic cable business.
http://channelsurfing.net/watch-abc.html
You can watch it live online at that link.
IS IT REALLY THE LAST SHREK?- ryan seacrest asks the tough questions.
SO> maybe i’ll just read Gabe’s recap after this is all done.
Oscars be lame.
jump into lame?
This is also my plan. oscars be tedious.
although every time someone says Matt Damon i repeat to myself in my best drawling, dumb-dumb voice “Mayt Daymin”
And Arick Bodwin.
You can never be too old to have a crush on Zac Efron, right? Right?
I’m not a fan of A Education.
obviously.
(that was the joke, sillygum)
Wow, I watch a lot of Turner Classic Movies, and I only knew like 3 of those Oscar nominated flicks from 60+ years ago. I hope this could only mean that The Blind Side will be eradicated from all memories years from now.
Sarah Jessica Parker looks like she is trying out for a role in the original V.
I have to admit, I made one of the EW Best Pic cocktails. A Serious Man which is basically an Old Fashioned with a splash of pineapple juice.
Are ALL of these pre-show interviews supposed to be incredibly awkward?
nice of the british museum to let sara jessica parker out of the ancient egypt wing for the night.
Whoopi Goldberg pisses her pants on the Oscars
WHOOPI’S PEE COMMERCIAL!! You can get FREE POISE? Videogum Everywhere away!
A 30 second interview with Sarah Jessica Parker and no mention of her Salem witch ancestors?
When did Miley Cyrus “master” comedy?
What are those teen stars doing here anyway? There is SCHOOL TOMORROW!
In Hollywood the kids just call in sick with Oscar Fever.
Sorry bad joke
OH! Precious was Precious!
I’m drinking a Coco Before Chanel, if Coco is Coffee and Chanel is Whiskey that I will need to add before long.
hi friend. Skillet & i were talking drinks at white horse on thursday. you down? (and any other LA monsters we can think of)
Egad. I guess I better.
right? seems like a thing to do.
Still no better Thursday night plans, so I guess I’m in.
What time are you thinking? Also, does White Horse serve horrible food we can eat?
Other LA monsters… hmm… RaisinBran? kind of a tramp, GradStudentsAreTheWorst? Is KajusX LA? I couldn’t find the original thread where this came up last year — we had more listed, there.
i can’t reply to you. for some reason. white horse… 9? around then? we should hijack a thread tomorrow & see what we can do.
9, sure. I will let you do the hijacking, but as soon as you move, I will have your back.
sassy precious
here is everyone………for ’cause
Spoiler alert, you guys: despite neither appearing in a movie this year nor being nominated, Sean Penn will win best actor, stealing the award from the deserving winner (this year, Jeff Bridges).
NPH is a very pleasant surprise and probably one of the few moments that I will enjoy.
eh. he’s a little TOO gay.
He’s been playing a convincing hetero since his Doogie days so he is aloud to occasionally gay it up during awards season, now that he is out of the closet.
…oh what a shame that he is a little too much of his actual sexuality.
the saprkly pants, the drop the soap line…i’m just saying…settle Doogie. Everyone already loves you.
I’m wearing black shorts, a loose fitting t-shirt and a long green coat. Eyes on the red carpet, guys, I may change it up with a backwards baseball cap!
It’s just a shame that Cop Out (Out now in theatres) wasn’t eligible for this year’s Oscars. Not that I would have accepted it, because I am an everyman who doesn’t need oscars to give his films worth.
Buttnuggets,
Keven Smith.
snoogins
Whose idea was it to do audience reaction shots while the audience is not lit?
but Meryl Streep’s eyes were just a-sparkling when Steve and Alec came down for the ceiling
I really hope they don’t do the thing they did last year when they had five previous award winners presenting and sucking off each nominee. What a waste of time and Hollywood masturbatory practice.
Uh, if you are not out to waste time, the Oscars might not be for you…
Hah, good point, but I just find it a bit indulgent. The Oscars are all about star fucking – we don’t really need much more of it. It that drags something that could take 30 seconds on for five minutes.
And they’re doing it again for Best Actor right now (and presumably Best Actress).
When is this stand-up part over? i’m not saying it’s not Hillarious…
Shut up Steve Martin, Zach Efron and Taylor Lautner will always be beautiful. You’re just old and cranky.
clooney’s face, priceless.
George Clooney is pissedddd
all fists and elbows. you’ll be screaming “NO NO NO” and all he hears is “who wants cake?”
Did Penelope Cruz somehow get more of an accent?
I’m 1 for 1 on my ballot!
I assume this will be the first of many surprises in the acting categories.
was it a surprise? he was amazing in that movie and already won the Golden Globe. i’m not surprised.
You forgot to assume that I was using sarcasm.
Perhaps there should be instructions for posting Sarcasm on Videogum…
We should vote to come up with a font used for only sarcastic posts.
oR you could be sarcastic like Gabe:
I assume this will be the first of many surprises in the acting categories. (there will be no surprises in the acting catagories.)
OR just say *sarcasm* after sarcastic things.
Christoph, you mean? Lol I was really happy.
- O 75
- Überbingo!
In the preview of the bounty hunter did Rachel just tell Sparta to sit on her face?
“THIS…. IS…. HUNTAAAAA!!”
If that is not said at any point during that film I will demand my money* back.
*In no way would I spend money to see this film
Does anybody know what The Secret of Kells is yet?
i saw the trailer online…i’ve been waiting for it to show up at our “outsider” theater…but it won’t be there until April?
http://www.thesecretofkells.com/
Why, thank you.
Up the most depressing kids movie since Bambi
but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t good.
nor did I say it wasn’t. It is the only movie I can think of where I was laughing mere seconds after crying. It was one of my favorite movies last year but it was still depressing as hell.
A big “whatevs” to the Up-haters that inexplicable meltdowns on this site.
Oh my God, Miley Cyrus is taller than Amanda Seyfried? Wha wha WHAAA?
Miley is pretty big (height wise.)
That is why Miley is so freaked out when gets off the plane at LAX. She is taller than everyone in Hollywood.
is miley cyrus’s terrible posture meant to keep her from making us all criminals for watching her on the tv?
What on earth was “Nine”? It looks burlesquey. Was it burlesquey? There is no sound on this TV so I am stuck reading subtitles which are not using the word “burlesquey” but that is what I am seeing.
It was directed by Rob Marshall, ie guy who directed Chicago. So yes. Burlesquey is the right word
Thanks.
I laughed at Ben Stiller mostly because it made Cameron upset. But I still like Stiller for being a Mr. Tony Wonder anyway.
Mistake ):
I never saw it, but it was based on one of the best movies ever, 8 1/2 by Fredrico Fellini.
Except they thought the best way to improve a work of art is to add musical numbers.
Honestly, Karen O and the Kids really should have been nominated.
I love you more than Rainbows?
I think he said, “I love you more than IN RAINBOWS.” He really likes Radiohead.
Next time I see my sister, I’m going to tell her that I love her more than rainbows.
the things is, Rainbows are pretty awesome….so that might be more of a commitment than i am willing to make.
rainbows, haha!
pine is a focking prawn!
“I totally know who Steve Martin is! He was in that one super old movie, The Pink Panther. Like, duh!” – Miley Cyrus.
District 9 really should’ve got a make-up nomination. The “prawn” arm is so much more impressive than just applying 10 layers of powder (I’m looking at you, The Young Victoria)
you guy abc is back. the day is saved in this low stakes game of programming i dont even care about except for this website.
Is Beyonce that famous now? She doesn’t even have to look at the camera to sell Diet Coke to America, or at least the parts of America that watch the Oscars.
anyone know why let the right one is wasnt nominated for foreign film?
It was not eligible due to it not being released last year(2008) so it was not submitted by its home country(Sweden) at this year’s Oscars.
Robert Downey Jr. FTW.
Wait, I forgot the “and Tina Fey.”
The voice over lady says Hurt Locker weird. “Hurt Locker”
Sorry I’m late. I had to pick up the ice cream in case there are no gay people here.
15 minutes of John Hughes coming up. The 80s summed up in 15 minutes, even VH1 spends 10 hours on the subject.
Only a minute into the retrospective and it’s already looking like the highlight of the night for me. So many awesome cheesy grins.
Unfortunately that your more than likely correct. At least I have Oscargum to help me get through this
* you’re
um. i cried during the john hughes tribute. true life.
Wow M. Culkin is doing something other than dating Mila Kunis
lol, mic problems.
Taylor Lautner’s thoughts “there were teen movies before I was born?”
Also, I’m really liking Lenny’s chances this year.
My eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!
Oscars, convincing you what you already know about short films.
Logorama FTW
The Last Last bye Lastly Lasterlast
I started out 2 for 2 and the last four I have missed.
Kanye is proud of that woman right now.
Who is that lady? was she supposed to be there? Did that guy just get Kanye-ed?
That was so awkward.
0 of 5
Avatar joke, yay
Ben Stiller is terrifying and hilarious.
sarcasm?
…for twenty seconds.
Mr Cameron does not seem amused except in the obligatory sense.
….i am not really a Ben Stiller fan….you can stop talking at ANY time…
Yeah, if someone can ever explain that guy’s appeal to me, I’d love to hear it. All I ever see is emotional desperation, simmering anger, and ego masquerading very poorly as self-deprecation. lol?
Old people makeup!
Aren’t period pieces supposed to win this category?
Star Trek didn’t take place in Victorian England? I was wondering why they had motorcycles
You’re thinking of Steam Trek.
Ben Stiller…what a pro!
Ben Stiller not bad, just a bit too long. Less is more, Ben Stiller!
Remember last year when he showed up as Joaquin Phoenix? That was funny!
Ben Stiller’s middle name is Subtlety (it is not Subtlety, it is Edward – Research!)
why do they keep calling it the 80-second academy awards?? it’s already been on for over an hour!
I’m batting a .300 in the Oscar pool thanks to Push based on the movie Sapphire by Precious
its nice that darth vader one for best adapted screenplay
won. damnit
What is going ON!!!???!!!???
You mean to tell me that they gave a LEGEND like Roger Corman a lifetime achievement award during the technical Oscars yet I had to sit through all that Ben Stiller and a kind of lame John Hughes tribute (no offense to either, they each had their okay-ish spots)? Weak!
Maybe this means there’s a chance Lloyd Kaufman could be an Oscar winner.
Lampshades? is that a metaphor?
Aw man, Robin Williams forgot to promote the Old Dogs DVD… do-over!
If Jake didn’t win for best crappy accent than I don’t think his sister has a chance.
If he doesn’t sound like a persian prince I don’t who does.
Sandra Bullock wins all the awards for her accent.
WHAT?? Go’Nique! I think you just demolished my oscar pool chances! WOOT!
The second surprise in the acting categories, way to keep it exciting
are you being sarcastic again? silly fish.
What happened to the speech Monique practiced on SNL last night? I was looking forward to that speech.
yeah, what up wit dat? ooooooohhhhh eeee
uh… monique? About the performance and not the politics? I mean, you did a great job. Truly. But you are also an overweight black woman. And your film credits include Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins. Politics played a role.
Wasn’t it great when they showed Morgan Freeman after they talked about Precious even though he had nothing to do with it. Post-racial America, everyone!
I liked the fried chicken scene the best. Because out of the whole movie that is what translated perfectly from the book to the screenplay!
It’s ok because the Oscars have a picture of Morgan Freeman in their wallet.
This comment should win an Oscar.
I was going to go smoke a cigarette but wait Tyler Perry is coming up. Yep going to have a cigarette break
That cervical cancer thing was probably the most sexist PSA I’ve ever seen.
Well, one of them, at least.
your icon is best.
Oh Ripley. You are still so pretty.
direction sure but art…..?
I’m going to say “this Oscar sees you” when i smack James Cameron in the head with his.
that joke of his hit the ground like a pound of Unobtainium. am i right people?
Keanu Reeves goatee stroke. I won my oscar pool!