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Speaking of the Oscars, Entertainment Weekly has put together a list of cocktail recipes for all of this year’s Best Picture nominees. That’s a fun idea. Except wait a second, isn’t one of the nominees a movie about the addictive horrors of the Iraq war, which our country happens to still be fighting at this very moment? And isn’t another nominee about hitting Nazis in the head with baseball bats? Oh, don’t forget Up, which is a movie FOR (DRUNK) CHILDREN. Admittedly, this would still be a great idea if the recipes were jokes, but these are real recipes! And my favorite has to be the Precioustini, based on a cocktail by Sapphire, or whatever they’re calling this thing:
THE PRECIOUS Recipe (makes one drink):
1 1/2 oz. vanilla-flavored vodka (suggest Smirnoff)
1 1/2 oz. unsweetened pineapple juice
2 tbsp. cream of coconut
3/4 oz key lime juice
Ice cubes
Lime slice
In a cocktail shaker, combine vodka, pineapple juice, cream of coconut, and key lime juice. Add ice; cover and shake until very cold. Strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with lime slice.
YUM! And thank you for suggesting Smirnoff vanilla-flavored vodka, Entertainment Weekly. I definitely get the sense that you just really care what kind of vodka I drink in your hilariously ill-conceived cocktail recipes. If I were to buy a different kind of vodka other than Smirnoff brand vanilla-flavored vodka, I would be almost as miserable as the lead character in the movie on which this drink is based, I bet. So good looking out! But there must be a typo in this recipe because there is absolutely no reference to how many ounces of tears and/or father’s semen (suggest Rape) go into a cool and refreshing “The Precious.” Please post a correction to your website before Sunday so that I can enjoy this delicious drink while watching the Academy Awards! (Thanks for the tip, Howard, and thank you for the wonderful and appropriate drink recipe, Entertainment Weekly.)
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Ok, shouldn’t the Precious drink contain Bombay Sapphire? A rare miss, ill conceived Entertainment Weekly cocktail recipes.
shouldn’t it contain a little sprinkle of incestuous rape?
which gabe said already….hmm…i lbame the fact that i’m also TRYING TO CHAT!
http://videogum.com/chat/
Or at the very least Hypno’tique.
dammit. i tried to comment something like this, but apparently me attempting to change my password to a normal password STILL won’t stick. i would like to buy you this:
I will take it, drink it, and love it. Thank you!
Is the vanilla-flavored vodka some kind of racist joke?
No, you’re thinking of The Blind Side cocktail.
Based on the drink Martini by Sapphire
Surely it was an oversight to not mention the Oscar Inspired Movie Menus as pairings for these cocktails from Epicurious.
May I suggest “A Jewish Family Dinner Circa 1967″ as inspired by “A Serious Man”. I don’t know about you, but any dinner followed by “circa 1967″ sounds like GOOD TIMES!!!!
-racismgum
Right?!
Holy shit I was about to downvote you for that racist MS Paint job…incredible.
Oh how about a nice dairy plate? Cottage Cheese, Cream Cheese, Sour Cream, Strawberries. Yay..
This is exactly what I would expect from the patently awful Sandra Lee.
http://www.avclub.com/articles/this-cake-will-make-your-eyeballs-burst-into-flame,25176/
Re: The Hurt Locker – “I did not see this movie — but I saw all of the big bombs and the car blow-ups.”
At least Ms. Lee is a pleasure to hate.
I’m still baffled that they chose this quote to describe the drink. This movie was just about “car blow-ups” right?
This is typical Sandra Lee. Look up her Kwanzaa cake on youtube. It is truly absurd.
I was okay with it until that pie filling came out. Ugh!
THE SERIOUS MAN
”Crown Royal is a serious man’s drink. With a little bit of bitters and some pineapple juice to top it off, this is a beautiful, masculine drink. Or a very sexy woman’s drink. This should be Angelina Jolie’s drink.”
She’s clearly seen the movie. In fact, it’s like she’s done nothing for the past six months but watch this movie over and over again until she found its perfect cocktail. Either that or she is the elusive Coen Sister.
LOL, yeah, I’m sure all serious drinkers would agree that putting pineapple juice in overpriced pisswater whiskey is a “seriously” good idea.
crown royal tastes like earwax.
My favorite drink is called a “Rock Lobster” and it has Crown Royal; however, ask for it at a bar and the bartender will ask you why the face….SO> recipe:
Rock Lobster:
1 shot Raspberry Liqueur (Raspberry Pucker*, Razzmatazz)
1 shot Crown Royal Canadian whisky
2 oz cranberry juice
Pour raspberry liqueur and crown royal into an ice-filled glass. Fill with cranberry juice, and serve.
*recommended: it’s cheap and it’s sweet
The whole thing tastes like Red Candy! And if you know the B-52’s song you will be singing it the whole time you are drinking! You’re Welcome Alkie!
Huh, one of my favorite drinks is a washington apple, which is the same as yours except with apple pucker instead of raspberry and a much less cool name.
Because if we learned anything from A Serious Man, is that while we may suffer unduly, it’s mostly because we aren’t drinking “beautiful, masculine” drinks. So apparently Crown Royal and Pineapple juice is the drink of choice for nebbishy Jews. Ok.
Unfortunately, the nature of this menu also excludes “District Wine.” It’s an import from South Africa.
No Hurt Locker recipe? It’s simple. Down half a bottle of Jack and hit your shirtless GI buddy square in the gut.
That’s a Tuesday night for Ke$ha.
i think it’s her VD buddy.
Definitely having one of those “I hate everybody” moments now, Gabe. Thanks.
Her accompanying text for “The Precious” is astounding:
“There’s so much abuse and violence in this movie. I think that any adult who watches that movie should have a cocktail. That girl’s gone through so much that, by the time you get done, you’re so emotionally spent that you need a drink. And that cocktail is precious.”
You’re totally right, THAT GIRL has gone through so much, so WE need deserve a drink. Every adult should have a cocktail to go along with so much abuse and violence. I mean, that’s just adult common sense.
“And that cocktail is precious”? I genuinely don’t understand this sentence. Is it a cute cocktail? Is it precious to us because we so desperately need alcohol after this movie? We probably need alcohol about as much as Precious needs a stable home life and to not be pregnant by her dad. Totally the same kind of thing.
I have very angry feelings toward Sandra Lee.
“we need deserve a drink” — not an error, of course, more like a choose your own (adventure) verb
(okay, it was an error)
i think someone needs to take one for the team, and get horribly sick from those terrible cocktails.
Where’s Mande?
Sandra Lee makes Goop seem useful.
Now please excuse me–I’m going to slip my boyfriend a tipple.
Shouldn’t the Up cocktail use SKYY vodka? That’s a brand, right?
THE UP IN THE AIR
”There are so many jobless people right now that I should come up with a cocktail to suit them. But this [is a drink] for George Clooney. It’s Ciroc and the crème de cassis and the amaretto; it’s very sexy.”
Fuck you, jobless people! Sexy George Clooney gets your drink!
What would a “jobless person drink” even be? A pint of Black Velvet poured into tall boy of PBR, garnished with the tears of a hopeless future? A soothing blend of Thunderbird and Two-Buck-Chuck?
I drink other people’s booze!
The jobless person drink consists of cheap convenience store gin consumed while sobbing in a ’93 Subaru, which is just about the only thing the bank hasn’t repossessed.
Mickey’s
Dream alignment:
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Lindsay Lohan, Too True to Be Good
COCKTAIL OF CHOICE: Ginger and Coke
But that’s fantasy Island.
I will drink ALL of these on Sunday night! Great idea!
Should I feel bad that the Inglourious Basterd sounds like a pretty good drink though? No, probably not. Don’t blame the drink, blame the Sandra Lee!
One more thing………………”TIPPLES!!!!!” tee hee
OK – so she didn’t actually SEE The Hurt Locker, but just IMAGINES that it is suitably defined by crappy tequila in spicy tomato juice. I see.
So how do I get a job writing for ew? You apparently get to do nothing, write some dumb crap about how you did nothing and then make up an imaginary drink that no one will ever make. Dream job!
Hopefully she was forcefully made to drink all of those monstrosities.
Oh my god. What a find! I love “There are so many jobless people right now that I should come up with a cocktail to suit them. But this [is a drink] for George Clooney.”
I know! That comment was poetry. There was too much traffic to comment on it up there–I’m glad you said something too.
2007 called to ask if any of you want a There Will Be Bloody Mary.
Ugh, I hope it doesn’t taste like 1998′s There’s Something About Bloody Mary.
There will be Milkshakes!.
THE INGLOURIOUS BASTERD
1 bottle St. Pauli Girl
1 PBR tallboy
4 ounces Beefeater
Splash of pee
Mix all ingredients with ice cracked with baseball bat, strain into tankard. Garnish with fresh pipe tobacco and a cherry. Makes 1 drink.
I’m trying to imagine the kind of person who seriously makes movie themed cocktails for an Oscar party and I’m pulling a blank. I’m quite sure anyone who makes any one of these is a hipster, and an awful-Urban Outfitters-wearing one at that.
Great picture of Monique’s gunt. Makes her look like Archie Bunker
Fat jokes are not ok unless they’re about Kevin Smith.
Downvoted right out of the gate. Yes!
Sandra Lee’s success is one of the great mysteries of our time. Her cooking show is a joke-a few recipes that involve McCormick’s seasoning blends, Cool Whip, boxed cake mixes, and sometimes just straight store-bought, prepared foods. Then it’s “cocktail time,” which you’re all now familiar with. Then five minutes where she shows off her “tablescape”(I hate even writing that), just a crowded mess of similarly colored stuff she picked up at the craft store. This woman is HUGELY successful, her cookbooks are best sellers, and I’m pretty sure she has her own line of products. Now, I understand Rachel Ray’s popularity–she’s not the greatest, but she makes broadly appealing food and teaches a few skills. Sandra Lee makes garbage piles of MSG and corn syrup. And vanilla Smirnoff.
That’s probably the longest thing I’ve ever written here. And it’s about Sandra Lee. That’s just great.
“Brad Pitt had a whole band of brothers in this and one of the things that I love about this drink is it’s made in a cocktail shaker, but it’s just as good served in a pitcher for your band of brothers. The garnish is not very guy-y. But the gin definitely makes this a guy’s drink.”
Something tells me she didn’t see this one either, but she knows who Brad Pitt is and at one time caught an episode of Band of Brothers.
“…And the citrus vodka honors that beautiful tree of life.”
That Up cocktail is definitely material for Taking One for the Team. Milk, half and half mixed with Sambuca is already gag level disgusting, but then add gin? We’re talking Fear Factor dare here. The half & half are supposed to resemble the beautiful fluffy clouds in the sky. Hahaha, wuuuuuuuuut? I guess after you’re hallucinating due to the Sambuca…?