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The new Goop is here! And Gwyneth has some super fascinating tips for all of us on how to live our lives. Namely, we should definitely sleep. Cool tip from a cool lady.
Basically everyone I know is knackered, me included. But I didn’t imagine that there could be health problems associated with not getting a good night’s rest. I recently read a book called “Light’s Out: Sleep, Sugar and Survival” by T.S. Wiley which talks about the negative cumulative effects of sleep deprivation (aging, hormonal imbalances, etc.) I asked one of my doctors, Frank Lipman, for his opinion on the subject and the result is the fascinating piece below, followed by some suggestions on ways to sleep better.
Let’s get some shuteye, people.
Love,
Oh man. Every week with this thing! Well, first of all.
I’m not even going to talk about how ridiculous it is that Gwyneth Paltrow is actually using the word “knackered” (congratulations, England, she’s all yours) with no apparent sense of irony or self-deprecation because why bother, HER CHILD IS NAMED APPLE. However, I am going to talk about how insane it is that Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t know that lack of sleep could lead to health issues. Really? Really, you pompous clown? You skeletal imbecile? Because, no offense, and I’m sure your lifestyle newsletter is definitely very important and very useful, but EVERYONE KNOWS that lack of sleep is bad for you. We learned it primarily from condescending celebrity vanity projects that reflect their boredom and self-obsession the fact that we fall asleep when it has been too long since we last slept. Or at the very least, fatal-nightmare-filled-micro-naps. See also: torture.
I do love that her doctor’s advice is to not use alarm clocks. Cool advice. It’s all part of his three step plan to better health.
Step 1: quit your job.
Step 2: stop using an alarm clock and let your body wake when it is ready.
Step 3: tell your personal assistant to finish ghostwriting your celebrity lifestyle newsletter.
Nonsense.
Gwyneth Paltrow is an idiot. Of course, in England, an “idiot” is called a “lorrie.”
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Macrobiotic sleep is actualliy healthier.
But how do I sleep if I have Exploding Head Syndrome???!!? That’s scary stuff!
Google it. I swear it’s real!! This is important information for this videocommunity.
She is the coolest!!! I wonder what super advice she has for my hair. I mean it’s getting kinda long and stuff and I just wish that it would become shorter somehow…like if un-grew or something. I bet she would know what to do about it!! So Cool and Hip and Healthy!!!!
I think she suggested that you drown it in vinegar for a couple days and it makes it look really shiny and great or something.
yup…sounds like my Gwenny!!!!!
I’d recommend you buy a complete hair-care kit created by my great friend Samson, which retails for only $9,000.
- Gwyneth “Your Pal” Trow
Of course, sleep in a bed is incredibly unhealthy. I believe that goes without saying. What she’s talking about is sleep in a bubble.
How am I supposed to sleep when I’m worried that my staff is stealing from me?
This deserves all the upvotes.
Zany! My doctor just recommended that I stop using an alarm clock. He also recommended I stop bating and start calling my boss a twatwaffle. I think that good things are in my future!
what is a twatwaffle?
i mean i know what the two things are seperate but the portmanteau opens up a whole new bizzarro world of wtf.
DO NOT SUBMIT AN IMAGE.
Urban Dictionary describes a twatwaffle as:
twatwaffle (twat-wah-full):
n.1 An elitist; someone unaware of their own limitations and highly critical of others.
n.2 A general prick. See: douchebag, n00b.
v.1 To ban; to totally pwn.
“That Tom Cruise is such a twatwaffle.”
or…
“I was twatwaffled by @Blue-Six….it hurt, a lot.”
This also deserves all the upvotes.
Upvote for breakfast reference.
I was once quoted saying I’d beat the shit out of a Belgian waffle.
I don’t know what I’d do to a twatwaffle…
ANYWAY- Yes, good things are in our futures…
Waitaminute.
I discovered a new way to be put asleep, and that is the GOOP website.
What a coincidence! I just discovered that GOOP is a good way to be put to barf.
Oh, she’s “knackered,” is she, guv’nor?
Ugh, Gwyneth, that’s your slang word for tired.
I prefer the term “tuckered out.”
I’ve always been partial to “pooped.”
Shakespeare in UGH!
Sliding Yucks
Iron(y-Disabled Wo)Man
Iron(y-Disabled Wo)Man 2
In Bruges
Duetzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Sky Captain and the World of Terrible Advice
Stu7id
I think we owe it to Gwyneth to do every one then because posterity.
Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Sleep Cycle
That’s way better than mine!
Dial M for Moron
Its a real shame Gwyneth has only been in like 30 films. If Christopher Lee ever starts making an ass of himself, we’re gonna have a field day around here.
I bet we could do this for all 30. Many write themselves:
A Perfect Murder (of Gwyneth Paltrow)
Dumma
She must be High-er Learning
The Talented Mr. Crapley
View from the top (right before you jump)
Emma unbearable wretch.
(Pronounce Emma like “I’m a” please)
Grating Expatiations
Great Expectations (to fail)
See we can even do some of the films MULTIPLE TIMES!
This will NEVER GET OLD (until it does)
Poor Expectations
The Royal Terrible-Bombs
Running with Scissors (into my eyes)
the Good Night
Sky Crap and the World of Turds
Bounce.
Shallow Pal(trow)
Poo from the Top
Hush.
Shallow Grave
The Pallbearer Who Couldn’t Bear Her (Gwyneth Paltrow)
Mrs. Paltrow and the Vacuous Circle
Sliding Bores
Gwyneth Paltrow and Other Disasters
Two Blunders
Love (terrible advice) and Other Disasters (from Gwyneth Paltrow)
Proof (That Gwyneth Paltrow is The Worst)
I sense she will continue to make movies that will make this hard to stop. She has one coming out called: Love Don’t Let Me Down (but Gwyneth always does).
Hausfrau Out!
Austin Powers in: Gwenyth Paltrow is out of touch with normal people’s reality.
GWYNETH PALTROW FILMOGRAPHY (according to Wikipedia, go there to see original titles):
1991 – Shout (Let’s Wake This Bitch Up
1991 – Hook Sucks
1993 – Boring Relations
1993 – Malice (Towards Gwyneth Paltrow)
1993 – Flesh And BORRRRINNNGGG
1994 – Mrs. Paltrow And The Terrible Circle
1995 – Inner (Aspect) Learning
1995 – Jefferson In…..Who Cares
1995 – GO7OP
1995 – Snoozelight & Stupidtino
1996 – Bad Date
1996 – The Paltrowbearer (Us having to bear her existence)
1996 – Dumba
1998 – Back In The Past (Is Where Gwyneth Paltrow Belongs)
1998 – Sliding Bores
1998 – GOOP Expectations
1998 – Hush Gwyneth Paltrow (seriously)
1998 – A Perfect Muzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
1998 – Shakespeare In Hell (Cause he’s with Gwyneth)
1999 – The Talented Mr. Rip Van Winkle
2000 – The Intern (Hates You Gwyneth)
2000 – Duetzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (callback!)
2000 – Bounce Up Out Of Here Before Shit Gets Real Gwyneth Paltrow
2001 – The Anniversary Party (aka 37 years of Gwyneth Paltrow being terrible!)
2001 – The Stupid Tenenbaums
2001 – Shallow Grave (too much?)
2002 – Searching For Debra Winger To Replace You In EVERY Movie
2002 – Austin Powers in Where’s Elizabeth Hurley?
2002 – Self-Possesion
2003 – View From The STOP
2003 – Sylvia (aka Did we really cast Gwyneth Paltrow in this?)
2004 – FAIL Captain And The World Of Awful Arm Workouts
2005 – Poof
2006 – Infamous Imbecile
2006 – Paltrow And Other Disasters
2006 – Running With Scissors Is A Great Idea You Should Put It On GOOP
2007 – The Good Night Sleep (Very Important, you guys!)
2008 – Iron Man, but Gwyneth Paltrow is in it. But only for a little bit! Where are you going?
2008 – Two Gwyneth Lovers (Chris and Apple)
Upcoming Projects:
2010 – Iron Man 2, yeah she’s still in this one.
2010 – The Pain In The Ass
did I do this right?
That you did!
You did that right!
*backs away slowly*
A little TOO right.
Also a key to staying healthy: being able to consult “one of” your apparently numerous doctors when you are confused about the importance of sleep, ingesting water or breathing in oxygen.
Yeah, but what do her OTHER doctors say? Anyone can find ONE of their doctors to purport that sleep is essential to good health, but that could very well be misleading, no? I think we need to find out what the consensus among Ms. Paltrow’s physicians is. Or at least four out of five of her doctors.
How am I supposed to sleep with all the soft music Chris plays every night to try and help me fall asleep? Its almost TOO soft……….
(Resists urge to make a “I’d like to put GP to sleep” joke.)
She gets no pardons.
She’s probably confused because in England they don’t sleep, they go, “Jolly good, pip pip, tally ho!”
In England, they call sleep a Lorry!
“Basically everyone I know is knackered. I call them up to see if they want to get together for a cuppa or maybe some Heinz baked beans, and they all say, ‘Can’t. Too knackered. Completely knackered.’ I then ask if maybe they just want to chat on the phone for a bit, and they say, ‘Really, Gwyneth, I need to take a nap.’ I ask them when they’re going to have enough energy for us to get together, and by that point they’ve gotten so knackered that they’ve accidentally hung up. So, basically, everyone I know is knackered.”
At what point do people show up at her door with pitchforks and torches? Because she’s obviously a monster, I mean.
“But I didn’t imagine that there could be health problems associated with not getting a good night’s rest.”
Well Then call it a fucking day because you’re just stupid.
Lack of imagination goop for brains celebutard
Angry Angry Trolls…
I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but I like picturing you walking briskly down a busy street while muttering it to yourself.
Correct me if I’m wrong here, Ghost of DS3M, but are you commenting on the slew of downvotes all the posts are getting?
Well, Initially I was responding to all the downvotes that seemed nonsensical and just mean spirited. It’s been a long running thing for me (Cuz you somehow failed to notice my presence here the last ten mos, bitching about votes, I’m SURE) and lately with the site re-do it has ramped up. I dont know if people are clearing their cache to multivote, or if there is some secret way of signing in on multiple platforms or with differing browsers allowing some vote loophole, but it’s annoying and old.
And That One, you are right. I am in Chicago wearing my angry face and my headphones, with my videogum (unlicensed non-official) T-shirt, walking up and down the street and around wrigleyville, yelling, heckling, and trolling people in real life.
They’re a set.
Relax, DS3M. I didn’t know what you were talking about and you seem pissed off. That was the first image that popped in my head and I had a little private chuckle.
That said, I’m honestly baffled why anyone cares at all about votes. Is it some kind of confidence-boosting/sapping thing? Why does it matter if there’s someone out there downvoting every post? It doesn’t make the comments any worse.
That One, the only thing I can say about the voting is that it was very noticeable that someone was just running down the list and downvoting everything.
And as far as The Ghost of DS3M’s initial comment, he merely said “Angry, angry trolls” because I am guessing he noticed what was happening as well.
I don’t know if he’s attaching importance to the voting, but what is happening has been picked up on, and it is a trollish thing, I would agree.
Anything else on the subject will need to be discussed further with the people that truly care about it. I only asked because I figured he was taking about what I had noticed happening.
And in defense of DS3M, it doesn’t sound like he is angry at you for making that joke, That One. It sounded to me like he was just playing along or something.
ANyway. I’m a leaf, so I’m gone.
A round of upvotes for everyone!
Well the pic failed, but a few observations when I was looking for it:
- There are so many pics of Sarah Palin giving a thumbs up!
- One you get to “Sarah P”, Google autocomplete gives you the following most popular searches in this order.
– sarah palin
– sarah palin hot
– sarah palin breasts
– sarah palin nudist
– sarah palin swimsuit
– sarah palin legs
– sarah paulson
It won’t let me reply to your other comment for some reason?
Also, I’m not sure where your animosity towards me stems from, but I want you to know that the post with the E-Shirts wasn’t typed in anger, I was smiling. I dk, I guess people really see me as angry just because of voting? I guess you all have no idea about how the internet works, or the roles and games we play? The personaes we inhabit, and the masks we wear?
In any case, that one, truce? I didnt know we was at wars, but I’d like to get to know the people in your neighborhood.
And, no, really, I am in chicago with a consistently angry looking (BUT GENERALLY QUITE BENEVOLENT!!!) Face.
My apologies, sir. Your first post in this thread sounded angry, so I just went from there. I didn’t know we were at war either. That stinks! Cheers, my (e)friend!
Make gifs, not war!
Dude. Just stop.
I deserve downvotes for recapitulating Gabe’s basic premise from the piece (thereby indicating I flipped my lid at the first paragraph and stopped reading in amazement)
I fucking hate Duke Nukem
Gwyneth’s advice boils down to:
Always
Be
Sleeping.
or just
B
S
.
FUCK that. I never SLEEP.
“Really? Really, you pompous clown? You skeletal imbecile?”
I think you could use some tips from her, Gabe, you seem a little grumpy.
Sleeping is so “in” right now.
“Basically everyone I know is peckish, me included. But I didn’t imagine that there could be health problems associated with not eating enough. I recently read a book called “ The Secret Language of Eating Disorders: How You Can Understand and Work to Cure Anorexia and Bulimia” by Peggy Claude-Pierre, which talks about the negative cumulative effects of not eating (fatigue,malnourishment, etc.) I asked one of my doctors, Frank Lipman, for his opinion on the subject and the result is the fascinating piece below, followed by some suggestions on ways to eat more.
Let’s eat more than carrot sticks, people.
Love,
Gwyneth”
i beg to differ. – dr. leo spaceman
I wonder what Chris Martin found so appealing about her.
His taste for weak garbage lacking any substance is fairly obvious.
She was the perfect muse for his extremely white and humorless music?
Gabe, if you weren’t so randy and ravishing your bird every night, she wouldn’t be so knackered.
Cheerio!
You forgot all the u’s.
Colour me embarrassed!
Knickered!
One time my roommate suggested that we do Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP detox (http://goop.com/newsletter/15/) and I was like, “WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH YOU!?” No dairy, no meat, no processed foods, no condiments, no alcohol, caffeine, or soda? Uh, that’s all I live on dude– Krystal, diet coke, beer, and Cheez-Its. I don’t know who she thinks she’s been living with for the past two years…
“which talks about the negative cumulative effects of sleep deprivation (aging, hormonal imbalances, etc.)”
So, if I keep sleeping, I won’t age? Awesome, never waking up again. Thanks, GOOP!
RUST NEVER SLEEPS AND NEITHER DO I
Dayumn, someone just downvoted MY FACE
So many lols.
You got a nice mustache.
LOL thx
I think you have a nice Alfred Molina vibe going on.
Btdubs, if Gwyneth was really British her letter would have said:
“Awright geeezzaa! Everyone I know is knackered, ‘cludin’ me. Get a good kip, people. Blimey!
Gawdon Bennet,
- Gwyneth. Sorted Mate.”
RIGHT?
ROIT.
init.
Sleep is for the weak you bourgeois pig.
Real Talk: There is nothing more infuriating to a certified (rather certifiable, amirite guise?) insomniac than a healthy sleeper complaining about lack of sleep, or when they try to tell you the great way that helps them fall asleep that will cure all your problems. Rearrange your room! Did it. No alarm clock! Fired. DRUGS! Ugh, try again. Excersize! Don’t patronize me. No caffiene after 5pm! It’s that simple!?
So, you are saying it will make me fat, tired, ugly, and unpleasent? HA! Living the dream. I am a day-walker.
i’m surprised she didn’t call her doctor a boobooman
We all know that a boobooman is called a lorry in England.
Chim-chim-cheroo
“Knackered” aside, she also spelled “scent” wrong. As in, the “sent” of lavender. As in, “I was sent from heaven, and if your sheets are made of jersey, I’m not taking you back with me.” Gross.
the poor girl is just trying to shake that “perfect” label by playing dumb. she learned about sleep years ago while attending coldplay concerts.
Oh man, you guys, I just woke up from six hours of sleep, and apart from the horrifying nightmare where my brother was hunting me through the woods while I was trying to decide which mistress to give up, I feel TONS BETS. Maybe Gwen-Gwen (her British name, spoken once, by Merlin, into the ear of his pet owl) is really on to something!
Also I hope no-one deletes the comment above mine because I also want a lover 9 yeard older than me.
Whenever I read the many (deserved) criticisms of Goop, I get a mental picture of Chris Martin holding Gwyneth Paltrow while she cries after discovering that not everyone likes her site, while Chris Martin rolls his eyes and thinks to himself “I should have TOLD her that this was a bad idea…”
I’m quite pleased that every time I consult me mate Gwynnie for some advice about me health she is able to take it to a “weight loss” place. Just last year she twice suggested diets involving my eye infection and broken leg, after I fell down the ol’ apples and pears (i.e., what a shock that a book she is reading about sleep promotes weight loss).