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Last night, the closing ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics were cut short (on the East Coast) so that NBC could broadcast a half-hour sneak preview of Jerry Seinfeld’s new show, The Marriage Ref. Now, I don’t care about the Olympics, or winter for that matter, but I still feel like both of those things deserve a modicum of respect, such that a world celebration of the human spirit can finish on its own time and doesn’t need to be pushed aside or cut short for a painfully bored billionaire’s existential crisis. Look, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be Jerry Seinfeld. Trapped in that giant mansion with that plagiarist wife of his, knowing that the best work of his career is most certainly behind him, sitting in the bay window with a glass of warm vodka, staring out at the helipad and wondering how many years he has left until it all disappears forever and he’s just another footnote in the dustbin of Wikipedia. I’d probably get antsy too! But I like to believe that I wouldn’t take out that antsiness on the rest of the world in the form of a brutally unfunny garbage reality show that seems like it’s some kind of joke being played on the world by Randolph and Mortimer Duke to resolve a one dollar bet.
The show opens with an animated Jerry Seinfeld explaining what the show is about. It’s actually not that complicated, conceptually: a married couple comes on with a lighthearted dispute, and a celebrity panel of judges determines who is “right.” The end. But Seinfeld seems to believe this is a personal project (a very special reality TV), or maybe it’s that he realizes it is miserable but wants to use his star power to somehow sell it to people as a test of his remaining cultural clout, and so the explanation devolves into a weird story about Seinfeld arguing with his own wife, which is the apocryphal story he keeps telling to the press about the show’s original conception, with the ACTUAL POINT being that we all argue in our marriages, even bored millionaires if you can believe it, which is an OBVIOUS but also DISGUSTING point to make, and it also complicates what should be a simple enough lead-in, so that by the time the show starts we are entirely confused. Good start, show!
Although, what starts as mild confusion quickly dissolves into disgust.
Oh, but before we move onto that, remember how I mentioned that there was an animated intro to the show? So, that segment ends with an animated Jerry Seinfeld riding in an animated limousine to the studio.
Wait, WHAT? Remember, this is a cartoon, which means ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. Like, he could have been in a spaceship, or it could have just been a disembodied Seinfeld head tied with a rope to the back of a donkey like a saddlebag. And it’s not like the animation morphs into live footage of Jerry Seinfeld in a limousine to signal a shift back to the real world. The limousine is always a cartoon that does not exist. This means that in a meeting about how to open the show, the idea was raised that cartoon Jerry Seinfeld should be transported via cartoon limousine to his new show, in the manner to which cartoon Jerry Seinfeld has become cartoon accustomed, and everyone said “yes, that is a good idea, and we are going to go ahead with that.” Unfuckingbelievable.
Although, that is, again, kind of the worst thing about the Marriage Ref, which is saying a lot considering how bad it is: no matter how bad a show gets, one can always argue that people need to put food on their families. Not true in this case! Everyone involved, with the exception of the married couples and probably the host Tom Papa, is a millionaire whose children never have to work a day in their lives. As amazing as it is to even attempt to conceptualize, this actually IS a passion project for Jerry Seinfeld. And he has emptied out his Favors Jar to get people on board. At the end of the episode, which was just a teaser, the real thing is going to be a FULL FUCKING HOUR, they announced all the great stars who are going to appear on the show, and you could hear a collective “Whoops” reverberating around the entertainment industry. Ricky Gervais, Tina Fey, Martin Short, Madonna? The balance sheets have been wiped clean! Whatever Thai prostitute died at your hands at a party in Montauk 10 years ago has been avenged.
My family is VERY hungry!
There was an article about the Marriage Ref in yesterday’s New York Times, and I found the following section particularly disheartening:
Before “The Marriage Ref” has brought out its first couple, it has more immediately evoked another union: the one between Mr. Seinfeld, one of the most popular performers associated with NBC, and the network itself, whose fortunes have declined precipitously since he ended his sitcom and which would pay almost any price to have him back.
To get Mr. Seinfeld back on its prime-time lineup and, it hopes, regain some of that lost glory, NBC has signed up a show that does not necessarily ring of his familiar comedy brand. It is not a scripted series about neurotic single people, but a hybrid reality-comedy-variety-celebrity-panel show about marriage.
Perhaps nobody appreciates the paradox better than Mr. Seinfeld himself. “I love the chessboard at this particular moment,” he said later, when the screening was over and he was alone in the conference room with a reporter. “I think it would be a hilariously ironic moment to suddenly have a hit on NBC.”
He added: “Everything’s so wrong. That’s what I love about it.”.
I don’t know what is ironic about having a hit on NBC. I mean, I know that network has fallen on hard times lately, but they are still a major entertainment powerhouse with billions of dollars? Irony doesn’t really enter the picture. And I don’t know what “everything’s so wrong” means? Is it some kind of riddle that you can only solve if you own your own shark tank? But the part that is sad about this is NBC’s blind desire to do business with Seinfeld regardless of any circumstances whatsoever. Why? I mean, you guys should really talk about this stuff before you agree to it. You definitely won’t recapture your former glory, but you very well might tarnish its memory. Because this show is cheap and lazy and terrible, and no amount of people who were very successful 12 YEARS AGO is going to change that. Similarly, this quote:
“Jerry has a talismanic quality at NBC,” said Paul Telegdy, the network’s executive vice president for alternative programming. Mr. Telegdy added that he would “frankly respect” Mr. Seinfeld’s wishes if he wanted to make the show “as a musical in 12 acts, or if he wanted to do it in the North Pole.”
That’s supposed to be a joke, I think, as if a musical in 12 acts taped in the North Pole would somehow be worse than this? It wouldn’t. At the very least, a musical in 12 acts taped in the North Pole conceived by Jerry Seinfeld would be unusual and surprising and a major production. This thing looks like it was created as part of a Community College’s night course in television production.
NBC seriously needs to stop complaining about the difficulty it is having in the ratings. That is like a baby crying about having difficulty in the ratings, after the baby fired Conan O’Brien, and banked its future on Jay Leno, and pretended like The Marriage Ref was a triumphant return for Jerry Seinfeld that would be even remotely competitive in a television landscape that has now known the beauty and sophistication of The Wire and Mad Men and the comedic complexity of Arrested Development and Eastbound and Down. It’s no secret that America embraces and celebrates terrible things on a regular basis, but even America has its limits.
You know what, we don’t really need to actually talk about the show, because the show doesn’t deserve to be talked about. It’s atrocious. It’s a joke. It feels like a fake reality show in a Wayans Brothers movie. It feels like a reality show that your friend came up with one night, and you were like, “you really need to put down the bong and go to bed, your shift at the gas station starts in six hours.” Although, I will say this about last night’s episode: BRAVA, ALEC BALDWIN. I don’t know how he managed to stay charming amidst this Actual Tornado of Human Shit, but he did, and therefore he deserves our respect. You are a terrible father, sir, but an entertainer through and through.
That being said, I still have no idea what Alec Baldwin was ever laughing at. And that goes triple for you, Pippa.
What a terrible, terrible show. It almost makes The Jay Leno Show look good. (Needs more green car race track!) I’m just kidding, it doesn’t, that show was the very worst, but you understand my use of hyperbole to make a point.
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These prenups are making me thirsty!
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What? Why? Be more constructive with your feedback, please.
I just think that Seinfeld deserves more respect than that. He had one of the most hilarious, groundbreaking shows in American television history. The lawsuit aimed at his wife was an obvious money grab, unless you think no two people could have the idea to write a cookbook about healthy foods for kids. And it was tossed out, so completely irrelevant.
I don’t know. I never comment on this site but that just seemed a little unfair. Obviously everyone agrees.
He really doesn’t. First of all, the show wasn’t immaculately conceived and birthed by him, second of all people are often judged on how they behave after they become successful, and he’s mostly been behaving like a boring rich ass.
At first I really didn’t like this whole “hidden due to low comment rating” feature that wordpress employs to make it harder to kick a commenter while he’s down? I guess? But now I get excited when it says “hidden…” –it’s like the anticipatory excitement you get when you get that new box of cereal home from the grocery that you only bought because it said there was some magical prize inside….and then it turns out to be a cereal box of disappointment because all you got was a pencil topper shaped like the cereal’s cartoon mascot–and who really uses pencil toppers anyway? It just makes it harder to get to the eraser! I don’t get pencil toppers!!! Anyway, that’s what these hidden comments have turned out to be … disappointing pencil toppers.
Am I doing this analogy thing right?
Jay Leno is hilarious.
Going for most-downvoted for Monster’s Ball, eh? Silly new guy, we’re not THAT easy to bait.
Better!
This explains the parking pass imbroglio. No Cartoonists on hand to draw Jerry a ride somewhere.
Man. I always thought that story about Tina Fey and the Thai prostitute was just an urban myth.
I’d rather have two Christmases.
We at Telemundo keep asking ourselves the same question: Why does NBC keep airing terrible reality shows? The premises are shaky and they all take place in Burbank. This is a terrible, terrible place.
NBC execs are just good decision makers recently. I’m sure they are always like, “WE ARE GONNA NEED A GREENER LIGHT.”
Dude, what the heck. I know html, css, php and java and I can’t figure put how to post images on this thing anymore!!!
I’m so mad at the simplicity of that.
I had hoped to figure it out by now without having to ask, but how DO we post images anymore? I tried the old html way and that didn’t work.
The editing made it even more jarring/confusing.
The Marriage Ref…really?… (crickets)
What IS it with all this Marriage Ref? ["Boooo!" "Hisssss!" "GET OFF THE STAGE!"]
How great would it have been if the audience started throwing tomatoes and rotten cabage at the panel and the set during the middle of the show. Sighh, we can dream can’t we?
I was going to say the same thing, but I would have gone with “What’s the deal with all this Marriage Ref?” so thanks for taking one for the team. Upvote for you
I was emotionally invested
in Jerry Seinfeld’s well-parted
thin hair. It takes one hell of a once successful, horse-faced
man to pull that classy look off.
Charles Bukowski, I hope you stay long enough for Monsters to get the joke here. Bravo, sir. Bravo. I can’t upvote this enough.
Week’s best comment
The best/worst (west? borst? don’t the Germans have a word for this?) thing about THE MARRIAGE REF is that I literally cannot believe that anyone, ever, thought this was going to work or be good or popular or anything. I have not spoken to a single person, on this planet, who thought that Jerry Seinfeld’s marriage argument show was going to be good by any measure, and it’s fairly clear that some NBC executive gave this the green light while standing in an empty office, pasty, sweaty and yowling. “BRING US BACK JERRY, SO THAT WE MAY RELIVE THE GOLDEN YEARS!”, he shouted, and immediately hired the Three Stooges to make this not-dream a reality. Every time any involved party talks about the passion and work that has gone into THE MARRIAGE REF, they are either lying or admitting that they have shitty passion and do poor work.
I fee like I’m jumping on the bandwagon but this is literally the worst television program I have ever seen. I really expected the show to end with the entire panel giving each other handjobs while Tom Papa read jokes off his hand. And seriously with your dumb new corespondent in the corner checking stats? What is that? What is funny about this?
Yeah, what was up with the news correspondent “fact checking” on her cracked-out iMac during the show. Like googling pole dancing classes and stuff? This shit is insane.
That made me the most angry, her in front of her “what we think news desks will look like in the future” fact station. “Let’s go to this bimbo to see if stripper poles are on the internet.” Fuck. You.
I might watch that show!
Obviously the most bizarre part of the show is at the end when Marv “teeth” Albert recaps the show like a boxing match, describing the lolz and zings like punches. What?
I liked that Marv’s best quote of the night or whatever was “The day his dog died was the happiest day of my life.” Alright, The Fatal Attraction Ref.
I’d watch The Marriage Zef. But not this. And I think America agrees.
Fok waaat!
I’ll try that again:
NBC cannot stop thinking it’s 1993. At this point I think they’d consider rebooting Mad About You.
Did they just get the same studio, kick out Jerry Springer, and take down the sign?
I mean…seriously.
I’m sorry, Jerries. I give up.
Jerry really lost it when he strayed from the concept of a show about nothing. LD knows there’s always money in a show about nothing.
So while us Canadians were watching the end of the closing ceremony, suffering through performances by Avril Lavigne, Nickelback* (What, was the Pickle not available? It’s more popular than them, I’ve heard…) and Simple Plan in the hopes that the organizers might have someone decent play (SPOILER ALERT: other than k-os, nope), you guys had to put up with this stinkin’ turd? Well, I guess we’re even.
Is that who was after Avril? I seriously started to take a nap.
You know what’s actually IRONIC? NBC admits the show is being carried out in the manner of a Last Will and Testament of Jerry Seinfeld (“his wishes will be respected”). Irony enters when one considers the number of Last Wills and Testaments this show is going to affect.
Aside from a giant WTF not funny, The outrage for me came as I was happily watching the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics (don’t judge) waiting for The Arcade Fire to perform, when NBC cut to this hot mess of a gameshow (?) round table (?). I was forced to watch while waiting for the return of the United Colors of Benetton disco party part of the closing ceremonies. To my horror, the Olympics returned with Avril Lavigne and a Simple Plan not the Arcade Fire. I hate you NBC.
An Arcade Fire/Broken Social Scene/Neil Young finale is the ONLY way the Olympics should have been closed out.
A rare miss, Olympics/NBC/Canada.
“A rare miss, us.”
-Canada, 1867-2012
BUT WHERE WAS BIEBER?
Ward, I’m worried about the Bieber.
This show was the second funniest thing on last night after “Suburban Sex Slaves in America”. Coming in third: nothing, I started drinking.
I think we all need to remember that you don’t need to eat if you’re not really alive.
Thus, no excuse for The Marriage Ref.
Good God, nice arms, Kelly Rippa. Exactly how many pieces of Dexatrim gum does she go through in a day?
Don’t y’all love it when Gabe makes a new enemy? Those posts are always the best.
As I was reading this, I started a slow clap…in my head. (Because I’m out in public and it would look weird if I started clapping at my computer screen.)
Bravo, Mr. Delahaye. Bravo.
Kelly Ripa makes the Crypt Keeper look fat.
I actually enjoyed The Marriage Ref! I wasn’t mad at all that they cut off the closing ceremonies, especially since the Canadians were taking it to some really weird places. I mean, it was getting weird. I thought both of the couples on there were very cute and charming and that the panelists did a good job making jokes. I think the actual premise of the show (that there would be a winner decided by the panel of joke-making jokesters) was the weakest part, but I got some quality laughs out of the filler.
Jerry Seinfeld has made some unwise career and talking decisions in the last decade or so, but honestly, I still think he’s funny sometimes, and god knows his cabal of friends can keep this show running for at least 12 episodes. I’m pretty damn stoked for the Larry David/Ricky Gervais/Madonna episode.
“OH NO An Original thought and a differing opinion, we must downvote!” – Videogum Rubes, 1975-2012
Even though I disagree, I upvoted you because this is a perfectly reasonable explanation.
For the record, I didn’t refresh the page before DS3M’s comment was there.
I still think the problem with the Marraige Ref is the format. Of course there will be some funny jokes here and there, and CELEBRITIES!1! but, the complete lack of any real thought into how this show will actually proceed through a half hour………. is perfectly explained by Gabe above.
I think I like it precisely because it lacks a formal structure. It is very reminiscent of The Match Game or some other ’70s game show that had a flimsy pitch or theme that justifies it being on the air every week (like a bad game show, or a show about lame marriage problems), but is more like a variety show in that it’s basically just giving celebrities another outlet to get drunk and say funny things on tv. And while I realize that talk shows and pretty much every other show exist solely for that reason, this one has the conceit of the couples’ problems to guide the conversation and give them an opportunity to riff. Plus, it’s only an hour a week, so it’s not like Jerry’s pulling a Jay Leno and taking up an entire timeslot for the whole week with this thing.
Also, Jerry Seinfeld has a lot of friends that I just sincerely find hilarious. Yeah, they’re celebrities, but they’re celebrities that in other contexts consistently crack me up, and this show seems to be fluid enough to allow them the space to have funny conversations. So I can kind of understand where Gabe is coming from, but I just don’t agree that this show should be dismissed off-hand or that it is simply a Jerry Seinfeld ego project (though I do think that is part of it). Also, it’s really hard for me to put the energy into having any personal problem with Jerry Seinfeld; I don’t really think he’s that bad.
I tuned into this show for enough time to hear Alec Baldwin crack a joke, and the response from the audience was enough to get me to change the channel. I mean yes, Alec is funny, and probably deserves the 3 minute applause for cracking a funny, but no, i do not want that in my eyes/ears. It felt smug and if that was the best part of the show, then WOOOOF.
I fell asleep in the middle of the ceremony and I woke up to the Marriage Ref then I fell back asleep and woke up to Avril Lavigne. I was not happy.
Maybe you never really woke up at all and it was just all a terrible nightmare… just be thankful that smashmouth didn’t jump out of your closet.
This show is eight full sacks of bad presumptions. Starting with that audiences will watch any of these people do anything. I won’t! Also, presumptions come in sacks. ALSO, I can post without safari crashing, so whatever else you can say about new videogum, that part wins in my book, the book of iPhone compatibility with a prologue concerning boredom at work.
I wouldn’t call myself a TheMarriageRefHead or anything, but did anyone else enjoy it? Gabe, I don’t understand how you can find humor in SNL and then start gouging your eyes out for TMR… There were laughs! Be honest, monsters.
Sometimes when I cringe and my pupils dilate with rage, it looks like I’m laughing.
THAT’S IT! People say it sucks because they are a dishonest pack of sheeple dashing lemming-style over I’m-too-cool cliffs. They’re definitely not saying it sucks because it actually does. Mystery solved.
It’s ok to like things when other people don’t! Really. Liking things isn’t about certainty. I never enjoy something and think “and those who don’t enjoy this are liars!!” Nobody’s really picking sides and nobody will have to go to court to defend the marriage ref. I don’t think.
Who needs to go to court when there’s Tom Papa!
I just hope I won’t have to see any more ads for this blorp before the movies I go to see. I hate everything those ads!
The fact that they consciously made sure to always have Jerry on screen-left and Tom screen-right so that they were always addressed as “Jerry and Tom,” and in doing so successfully avoiding any Hanna-Barbera mix ups drives me crazy.
A comedian I don’t recall had a stand-up bit where he talked about not liking it when people say “N-word,” thereby forcing anyone listening to say the actual word (which I won’t type here for effect) in their head.
“Jerry and Tom” is just like that.
My brain switches it around immediately and I get pissed that they’re trying to rewire my understanding of Tom and Jerry.
THAT. AND.
The “behind the scenes” is them running around and ice fishing on a frozen lake, and every three seconds they’re FALLING DOWN! OMG! LOLOLOLOLOL It’s SO spontaneous. Except it’s not. Because there are shots where they’re filming the two of them from the front. Jerry slips. Then they cut to a super wide shot from very far away, and then Jerry gets up and chases after Tom. Because it’s like the reverse of Tom chasing after Jerry. Oh, and also, if it was really spontaneous, then we would see the other camera guy down on the frozen lake with the two of them, but he’s not there. Which then forces my mind to think about how unfunny the whole thing is, how forced the fake spontaneity is, and how Tom and Jerry had to hold their positions on that frozen lake and wait for a director on a hill with the camera crew to yell “action!” before they could go about chasing each other in the wide shot they needed to compliment their worm’s eye view shot where Jerry first slipped.
FUCK.
it’s an amazing and bizarre reality that we live in when the show parodying the stupidity of its own network comes up with better ideas than the network itself. bring back seinfeld-vision on MILF island already!
He added: “Everything’s so wrong. That’s what I love about it.”.
Part of me thinks that Jerry Seinfeld knows this show is lazy and terrible, and he’s got NBC over a barrel, so that’s why he made the above statement. Then that part of me thinks, “Why, Jerry Seinfeld? You’re not helping.”
I turned off the closing ceremonies long before my eyes were subjected to the horror of this show, fwiw.
My favorite part was Tom Papa’s stunning definition of a good marriage: “Just find someone you can sleep next to for the rest of your lives you guys!” Is it legal to marry a body pillow?
No matter how fitting it is, can we all not say FAIL in 2010?
Agreed. This is for the like-minded: http://tinyurl.com/y86shwh.
On a related note. Who else cannot wait for the return of Jay tonight? Headlines! So funny, so true. Jamie Foxx, again, so funny! Brad Paisley! *swoon* I don’t know who that other lady is but I bet she is great too and very relevant to my interests. Jay is going to have so much to talk about. The Olympics, Haiti, Tiger Woods. His insight into current events is always so great. I didn’t really get that other guy they had try to host the Tonight Show, Conrad? He seemed too distracted with his own inadequacy. Jay is just so confident and sure, it lets me know he is someone I can respect. It was so good of Jay to give up his dream of hosting a show at 10pm when he could share his witticisms with sooo many more people and come back to the Tonight Show in order to help out NBC. What a selfless man. You’re the best, Jay. All in all, I feel good knowing that late-night TV is BACK! And this time it is here to stay.
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Is that Tara from True Blood in the last frame with Kelly Ripa?
I try to reserve judgement for things I’ve actually seen. So I Hulu’d it this afternoon.
WHAT JERRY SEINFIELD?
That might be a fun, web series. 15 mins of stars popping in to judge people and their not nearly as rich lives, but an hour? On Thursday? There’s too much to be watched on Thursday for this.
I’m reserving the right to judge this show based entirely on the commercials and thought pretty much the same thing you did. Who needs a panel of celebrities sitting around and cracking lame jokes about your marriage? That’s what friends are for.
“With THE MARRIAGE REF and PARENTHOOD, we will make America time travel back to the good old days of 1989/1990 and love us once again. MUST SEE TV, amirite?” – a top NBC exec, a/k/a your boyfriend’s dad
Every single review I’ve read of this (slow day at work) mentions that they would rather watch Jay Leno. Is this some elaborate Seinfeldian scheme to make Leno seem tolerable in comparison? This is just like that Dane Cook movie My Best Friend’s Girl!
As a student currently attending a Community College’s night course in television production, I have to say that “The Marriage Ref” is SORELY lacking in Star Wipes.
Is there not one sharp young intern at NBC who could’ve told those bigwigs that who they really want back is Larry David?
Kelly Ripa must have been literally bathing in her own urine by the end of the show.
(am I really the first one tasteless enough to make that joke after more than 70 comments?)