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[Ed. note: In the New York Times a couple weeksmonths ago, there was an article about the much-anticipated DVD release of thirtysomething, a "groundbreaking" (not my word) television drama from the late '80s. By most measures, the show was not a huge success (according to that article, its highest ratings were during the first 15 minutes of a premiere), but it was a critical darling, and "thirtysomething" is now a word in the dictionary. But most importantly: when it came out, as far as I was concerned, it was a stupid-boring show for old people. Except that now I am one of those old people. And so, out of some misguided sense of curiosity, over the next few weeks, I will be recapping the first season of thirtysomething here. 20092010, you guys. Anything can happen. There is no spoon.]
Now, I know that thirtysomething is not Lost. For better or for worse, this subtle (and sometimes not very subtle whatsoever) drama about middle and upper-middle-class white people struggling with how hard it is to be an adult (the classic narrative conflict of man vs. mortgages!) has different goals and isn’t going to involve any JJ Abrams-paranormality (although that doesn’t seem entirely impossible. The dude DID write Regarding Henry after all…) or whatever, but a season finale is still a season finale. It is incredible to me that after 22 episodes of this clown show, absolutely nothing happened. Nothing. And the season finale proved just how much nothing. The finale was just like every other episode in that it featured some mild existential crises, and some minor self-realizations, but they were introduced at the beginning and worked out (kind of) by the end, with no connection to anything that had come before them. There were no outstanding plotlines we hoped to have resolved. There was no resolution because there was nothing to resolve. It is a zero sum game as far as dramatic stakes are concerned. This show spent months and months building nothing into nothing. Congrats? I hope that at the wrap party for this season, they just had a blank white cake with no decorations on it and in frosting it said “Oh well.” Just kidding. They do not deserve any cake for this.
Anyway, Hope and Michael have scheduled a romantic getaway to a bed and breakfast. Nancy is going to take care of baby Janie, and Ellyn and her new boyfriend, Draco Malfoy, are going to housesit. Michael has bought a bottle of champagne and some lingerie. Look at this guy:
That is him showing the lingerie to Nancy and Hope. Cool friendship. If I were Nancy and this happened to me, I would rescind my offer to babysit. When I do someone a favor, the least that I ask in return is respect for my eyes and imagination. Ellyn and Draco come over so Hope and Michael can tell them any last minute important information about taking care of the house before they leave. “Pro-tip: don’t burn it down, please.” Or actually, more like, “Pro-tip: don’t fuck it down, please.” Everyone seems to be aware that Ellyn and Draco have some kind of big Sex Weekend planned. I mean, fair enough, I guess, but also gross, everyone. Speaking of gross, that is not a responsible adult-and-respectful friend’s house sitting outfit, Ellyn.
Within minutes of Hope and Michael leaving, Ellyn and Draco start snooping around the house. And when I mean snooping, I mean CRIMINAL SNOOPING. Like, OK, Draco takes out a leather jacket from the closet and asks “who’s got the leather fetish?” and Ellyn is like “that would be Michael, he loves leather jackets,” and Draco says, “I bet Michael’s got a lot of wild stuff.” Huh? “Wild stuff”? Really? Based on what? His predilection to wear sweatpants, or his love of jeans without belts? But that is normal enough snooping. Closets: ACCEPTABLE. But then Ellyn sits down and goes through their home financing paperwork and discovers that Hope’s parents made the down payment on their house. Banking Paperwork: UNACCEPTABLE. Later they go through a shoebox of old photos and letters.
Seriously? Nevermind, I take back what I said earlier, burn the house down, just make sure to lock yourselves inside first. But uh oh, Snoop Time is over, because here comes Nancy with Baby Janie!
Nancy is sick, so the lovebirds have to take care of the baby. Oh no! Now they cannot have a disgusting weekend of Network Television Approved Sexual Suggestions. Also, Nancy’s sick kids are hilarious.
I hope that Social Services wasn’t watching this episode! This show had an amazing special effects artist because those kids look disgusting.
Having a crying baby that won’t shut up has definitely put a damper on the knife play. But even more than the crying is the part where the baby gets a rash because Ellyn and Draco tried to bathe it with dishsoap (ummm) and they take it to the hospital and the hospital is forced to call the parents, and so naturally Hope starts freaking out because Hopes will be Hopes. Michael doesn’t seem to care. He’s like, look, if I don’t get it wet this weekend, I’m going to throw that baby in the garbage anyway, so we might as well get it wet and hope that Ellyn and Draco don’t throw it in the garbage.
So, at this point you may have noticed that this is the season finale of a major network television show, and the two storylines are about a couple taking a fucking weekend vacation from their baby, and another couple that we really have no reason to even care about struggle to decide if they are ready to “get serious.” Perfect. I wish this episode was SUPERSIZED, but I don’t think they had supersizing in the ’80s, and also no I don’t. I’m more like:
Something happens. I mean, nothing happens. But something happens where Ellyn and Draco are, like, grouchy with each other. It’s the season finale, so obviously emotions are elevated. Very grouchy. He goes out for a bike ride and ends up biking into Michael’s friend Gary and the two of them have a hilarious bike ride together because a) all the audio is overdubbed, and b) they are biking too fast, why are they biking so fast? I’d upload the clip and let you see it, but I know that you don’t care. In any case, Draco is biking for hours, and Ellyn figures that this means they’re broken up. But she should have known he was going to be biking for awhile when she saw his Biking Hair.
He comes back to the house and Ellyn basically breaks up with him, but then he won’t let her, and he talks about loving her and moving in, and so, in dramatic conclusion…they don’t break up. And I guess the dramatic conclusion to the Hope and Michael plotline is that they SPOILER ALERT both got some sleep at the bed and breakfast where they spent a weekend. Back in 1988, people proabably spent all summer wondering how these issues would ever be resolved in season two (season two!). It could not come fast enough! “Don’t you wish there was a pill you could take that would make you go to sleep until season two of thirtysomething started?” someone probably said back then.
But as far as Videogum is concerned, we will never know, because we are done here.
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You eat wraps at a Wrap party. Or am I out in left field on this one?
Do you know who needs a cake?? Gabe needs a cake!
img src =dancingicecreamcakegif.gif
I’m sad there will be no more Thirtysomething reviews that being said Gabe brought the noise on this review and the entire season of Thirtysomething. I do belive he deserves a slow clap.
Thus ends the momentary popularity of mid-life crises. Back to avoidance, regret, and denial. Men of a Certain Age anyone?
Aw, R.I.P. thirtysomething recaps! You were great, and you will be missed.
My heart is a little bit broken, I admit.
I have no desire to see the show (ever), but I have to agree. Lots of love to this column. What torture are you taking on next?
Twin Peaks! It’s definitely not terrible, but there’s enough wtf to keep us all entertained.
Oh. Hmm. Had I scrolled down before posting this, I’d've noticed that this has been proposed, seconded, and fifteenthed. So I’ll sixteenth it and also suggest Northern Exposure.
What about Gary Shepherd? I hear he’s a very good squash player.
SPOILER ALERT: He dies in a bike accident. No shit.
I’m really upset I won’t get to read these anymore, but considering that Gabe is actually having to watch these all for my entertainment, I’m feeling like a selfish pig. It was fun while it lasted videogumthirtysomething recaps. Have fun on your bike ride.
I would be lying if I said that the end of the Thirtysomething recaps isn’t making me a little misty. Also, these recaps have influenced my to try and have a Thirtysomething viewing party with my friends. Also also, I no longer have any friends.
Judging from the picture their big sexy B&B weekend is at my grandma’s house. Gross guys.
All B&Bs are at your grandma’s house. They are not in any way sexy unless you have a gingham fetish.
Gingham Fetish=My Grindcore band’s new name.
I’m very sad my life with further be devoid of thirtysomething recaps. This has become one of my favorite things. What will my nightmares be filled with if not Ellyn’s poor choice of short shorts and tight sweatpants??
Can you do Twin Peaks next?
That’s a good call. I like that idea. Two seasons, easily manageable. Or some single-season gems like Firefly, Undeclared, Freaks and Geeks, Wonderfalls, or Surface.
Other ideas:
The original Prisoner
Moonlighting
Manimal
Wonderfalls was EXCELLENT so i don’t know how Gabe could blog about it because there is nothing ot COMPLAIN about.
Twin Peaks might be fun because it is so wierd. though i’ve only seen the Monsterpiece Theater rendition called *insert scary music* “Twin Beaks”
forgive me, I am unsure of how to do links yet.
like this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vftf8TTve4s
Twin Peaks is a good idea. Wonderfalls sucked, you could fill up to three blogs with things to say about it, possibly four.
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You bite your tongue. Firefly was amazing.
I vote for season 1 of Miami Vice. There’s gold in them thar hills.
Next please:
Ooh, good call.
Or:
Dammit, where’s my picture? Can someone tell us how to post pictures in the new thing?
Trying again…
I love the way he leans….
Speaking of learning, I give up. Here’s what I wanted to post:
Wait, you said “leans.” I must have had a fail-clown for breakfast.
This is what I suggested last week. Even though someone said it’s only for teenage girls, I think Gabe would enjoy it – in fact, I think Gabe watched this in its original run, since we’re both 62 and enjoy Werther’s Originals.
So, in closing, PLEASE WATCH MSCL NEXT GABE. Lots of stuff happens – crying! Moping! Longing! Substitute teachers!
Toothpicks! Ghosts! Angst!
Tino!
Also, MSCL is on Hulu right now, so it’s cost effective
http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2010/02/mscl_reunion.html
If you are Thirtysomething and don’t live with your parents you don’t need to plan sex weekends because EVERY DAY IS A SEX WEEKEND WHEN YOU ARE AN INDEPENDENT ADULT.
ABSW (always be sex weekending).
I could be way off base here but Biker Draco looks strangely similar to Stephen Merchant
I know I recognize that draco dude from somewheres…
GARRR
ITS ALTON BROWN THATS WHO HE LOOKS LIKE, OK?!? GOD!!
Nailed it, well done.
Also, now that I am done trying to amuse you all with a jpg of shiny 1977 cylons, allow me to point out that who the hell needs a house-sitter when they are going away for 72 hours? What was their house, made of chocolate?
HA HA HA. They don’t even have pets!
If this is the last recap, I guess this is the time to tell you SPOILER ALERT Shepard dies in the fourth season and it seriously makes the entire show worth watching.
Was it syphillis?
there was a fourth season?
Actually, I remember that, because when the G-man kicked it, even I (a child) totes gave up on the show. I actually remember about 5 episodes — including this one, where we were uproariously relieved that Hope and Michael got some sleep instead of sex, one where the whole episode is pensive looks into the distance while moping around their perpetually twilit house because maybe they were going to get the baby a bris (!!!!), and the one after the one where Gary dies. Everyone was all seriousgum, and I asked my mom, “Where’s Gary?” and she said “He died last week. This show is so stupid now.” We both thought Gary was the only person who was not horrible, with Ellyn a close second, mainly because I found her Kim Carnes voice and secretly her perpetual cameltoe to be huge 1988 turn-ons. (I am different in 2010.)
I should have read this thread before I said nearly the same thing. All the downvotes going to me up the page.
I look very much forward to your forty-is-the-new-thirty-somethings posts in 2012!
I have really enjoyed reading these (because I am old). Thanks, Gabe. But what about all the unanswered questions? Will Elliot and Nancy ever get back together? (They will.) Will Hope and Michael have another baby? (Yes.) Will Michael and Elliot work for a smarmy character named Miles Drentell who will later appear on the later Zwick/Herskowitz white people’s problems show ‘Once and Again’? (Yes, and please don’t bother recapping that show.) Will Nancy get cancer? (She will.) Will Gary die in a shocking motorcycle accident which will make everyone reevaluate their lives because he was only thirtysomething!? (Yup.) Will Ellyn ever get married? (Uh huh.) Will Melissa ever be a successful whatever it is that Melissa does? (Who cares.)
Wait, I’m sorry, my bad. It was a multi-car accident. Involving a tractor trailer. On the Schuylkill (because Philadelphia).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJD4VMv9oPI
Boy, life! Life is funny, huh, you guys? One day you’re buying a book about life for Nancy, who is alive, and riding your bike in the snow, and the next day you’re dead, and your friends are very upset, and there is a monotonous (electric?) piano score playing incessantly over every scene.
I fully intend to get a pair of shorts like the ones Ellen is wearing. I also fully intend to go to jail shortly thereafter.
No Season 2 recaps?? But the item description on Amazon so whetted my appetite:
“Hope and Michael contemplate a second child; Elliot moves to lure Nancy back; Gary gets serious with his girlfriend Susannah: Melissa continues to find herself; and Ellyn gets an ulcer. Then there is all that happens in between, including the arrival of an antagonist for Michael and Elliot: David Clennon joins the cast as the diabolical, smug, manipulative and very successful advertising mogul Miles Drentell.”
Gary gets serious? Melissa finds herself! Ellyn gets an ulcer!! ALL THE STUFF IN BETWEEN!?!?!? Joe Mande, you better be taking this one for the team, sir.
Oh c’mon, no way!!!! You have to recap Season 2! This is my favourite VG regular column.
RIP, Thirtysomething recaps.
i, for one, will not miss these recaps. not because they weren’t hilarious and brilliant but because they, along with the appearance of seasons 1 and 2 on netflix streaming, piqued my interest enough to get me to watch this fucking first world problems trainwreck of a show. it’s amazing (depressing) what a lack of cable, a roku box, netflix subscription and, most importantly, videogum will make you do. if he recaps season 2 who knows what i might do.
Your pain brought us all great joy. Thank you for these wonderful recaps, Gabe.
Ah, I remember this episode, where I learned that even a pasty, unattractive John Voight look-alike and a girl with small breasts can find happiness, only they don’t, so boobs up, ladies! They’re important!
I’ve always Hoped (get it?) they’d do a “thritysomething” reunion show, so we can find out what Michael and the gang are up to now, except Gary who’s dead (***TOO LATE SPOILER ALERT!***) I imagine, they’re all still doing all those things we came to love about them… being shallow… talking about nothing… and complaining, probably about not being able to post GIFs… Ah, “thirtysomething.” You introduced me to shaky cameras and manufactured adult angst and I’ll always love you.
I always get 80s flashbacks when I read these recaps. Does anyone else remember “Conveyor Belt of Love?” Those were the times.
im gonna disagree on twin peaks. it is deff boatloads of weird and wtf?’s but it doesnt deserve to be manhandled. david lynchs style is more something to appreciate than blog jokingly about and the show does keep you guessing til the movie finale. i vote for either more thirty something cause these recaps were the best or trueblood.
I still think DS3M’s mom is right: LA LAW!
I will miss these too! I looked forward to these recaps! However, if they must go in the trash now, can I jump on the My So-Called Life bandwagon? Or is it band-wagon? Band wagon? hmmm….
When you all were debating doing another season, I though, ha, ha, ha, the joke’s on you, they haven’t released any more seasons. Then I saw the comment that mentioned it was on Netflix. No, it couldn’t be. I frantically opened a new tab, favorites, netflix, watch instantly, nnooooooooooooooooooooooooo! There it was, the 2nd season,available, season 3 & 4 – save – save. I can’t do it my friends. As much fun as this has been, and I’ve enjoyed everyone’s comments so much, I just couldn’t watch another season.
What’s that? I don’t actually have to watch them, I could just read this? Never mind.