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[Ed. note: In the New York Times a couple weeksmonths ago, there was an article about the much-anticipated DVD release of thirtysomething, a "groundbreaking" (not my word) television drama from the late '80s. By most measures, the show was not a huge success (according to that article, its highest ratings were during the first 15 minutes of a premiere), but it was a critical darling, and "thirtysomething" is now a word in the dictionary. But most importantly: when it came out, as far as I was concerned, it was a stupid-boring show for old people. Except that now I am one of those old people. And so, out of some misguided sense of curiosity, over the next few weeks, I will be recapping the first season of thirtysomething here. 20092010, you guys. Anything can happen. There is no spoon.]
It is baby Janie’s first birthday! Can you believe it! Where did the time go! (Incidentally, baby Janie would now be 13 years old. Don’t do drugs, baby Janie!) She’s having her first birthday party, which is something I can relate to because last week I went to the first birthday party for a baby. WHOA! ART IMITATING LIFE! Nancy is invited, but Elliott is not invited. AWKWARD! Elliott is like, “no, I understand, it’s better for all the children, because Nancy will bring the kids,” and it’s like, “no, you are just kind of annoying.”
But also, Michael’s old friend from college who he hasn’t seen in a hundred years is coming? To the birthday party? And then staying at his house? But they used to be kind of romantically involved sort of it was weird? But Hope is the one who invited her? And everyone is trying to be cool with it? But as soon as Michael leaves for the airport to pick her up it is clear that maybe people are not so cool with it? And thus begins an episode entirely based around Michael’s sexual history. NEAT!
See, Michael didn’t sleep with her back when they were friends, but there was definitely something there (and maybe there is still something th–zzzzzzzzzzz) and so the question on everyone’s mind is: why DIDN’T he sleep with her?! What an interesting question. If only this show was 3 hours long so that we could just spend more time on this fascinating, wonderful question. Anyway, everyone eventually asks the question. Elliott asks the question.
Hope asks the question.
Melissa asks the question.
Even the friend asks the question.
Meanwhile, Elliott takes her out on a date to make Michael mad. GOTCHA. Actually, what should make Michael mad is not the fact that Elliott took his ex-friend (? or whatever?) out to dinner, but that Elliott, presumably his best friend, actually says to him: “You met her before you met Hope?” And Michael says yes. And then Elliott says “But you still married Hope. Huh!” And Michael is just like “gentle glare.” Really? Because if I was married and someone who was both my business partner and my friendship partner derided my wife and my marriage in that way, it would be GOODNIGHT NURSE.
And then she goes out with Shepard to make Michael mad. Everyone wants to make Michael so mad. And it works! Look at him drinking milk out of the carton in the easy chair in the middle of the night just like Jack Nicholson in Anger Management:
Michael is like “you can’t stay here anymore, you have to go to a hotel,” and she is like, “fine,” and Hope is like, “you should have fucked her when you had the chance but now you are chained to me for life,” and Michael is like “I should have fucked her when I had the chance.” And don’t even get me started on the green spiral-bound notebook that they used to mail back and forth to each other as they cowrote a love sonnet (what was it called? “Leaves of Barf”?) Michael confronts Shepard and Shepard admits that he fucked her when he had the chance, and Michael is mad because he told Shepard that he loved her, and Shepard is like “yeah, but my 19 year old dick told me something else,” and so you know. Gym time!
Eventually, Michael goes to the friend’s hotel room. Good move! This can only end well! They reminisce about the past and about how they should have fucked each other when they had the chance, and she is basically like “also we should just fuck each other now.” Because that is just a very attractive quality in a woman: someone who refuses to move forward in their lives and selfishly does not care how many families she destroys in order to regain a momentary flicker of youthful passion that could not possibly have any hope for a sustainable future. Hot stuff! But Michael is like “this can’t happen,” which is nice, and good, although I kind of wish it did happen, because this show losing its moral center and going completely off the rails into Melrose Place would at least be NOT SO BORING. Then Michael goes back to Hope and they are like “married.”
Only two episodes left in season one (also known as The Only Season As Far As I Am Concerned). Hopefully the season finale will just be flashback episode reminding us of all the great nervous breakdowns everyone had over petty nonsense.
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baby janie is stuck at age 13 in perpetual adolescence just like the rest of her family.
Moms and I followed up last weeks article with another chat. She now wonders what she liked about the show, and said that in hindsight it sucked. She caught an episode on lifetime or some such a while ago and recalled that the pacing and the dialogue and the hair and the clothes – all really sucked.
I offered up that perhaps, at the time, all tv was bad, and this less then horrible show was somehow an odd reflection of her life as a thirtysomething mother of three. And she countered that no, it was not, and that it was shitty and sucked.
Goes without saying, but I love my mom.
Its obvious why this show wasn’t a ratings success: It didn’t reflect the lives of ancient 80′s culture. Everyone knows that all non-alcoholic beverages were replaced by new coke in 1985.
I’m no mathmagician, but wouldn’t Baby Janie be 23 now? Or am I missing the joke again?
Ok, then go ahead and do drugs, baby Janie, just not the bad ones. And don’t bogart.
So, let me get this straight: it’s a drama about nothing happening, not in the past, not now, not ever. So, no drama — just lives of quiet, milky desperation, people chained to friends and family who treat them cruelly, forever, but not so cruelly that anyone does anything about it, and we get to watch.
But it’s also a critically acclaimed classic? Just like Ethan Frome, if you took away all the mystery, and passion, and sledding?
oh crap. is my life thirtysomething?
(mli30s)
You could always take up sledding.
“Leaves of Barf” is making me laugh so hard.
I can’t decide if I’m remembering this stuff as I read your recaps or if I’m enjoying it just because. Either way, I’m digging it.
I do remember that Melissa had rotten teeth. So, I guess I watched some of it.
Hope’s ugly-ass bangs just piss me off.
Please keep recapping this show past season 1!! It’s my favourite Videogum regular post.
I second that. I love these recaps!
Shepard’s Tour de France cap is quite the annoying affect.
I can’t read the last paragraph, because I can’t stop laughing at the jaunty little yellow bicycle cap perched on the head of the guy I like to call Steve #4. (I like to call him like that because he looks 100% EXACTLY like my mom’s ex-boyfriend, Steve #4. All of her boyfriends after the divorce were named Steve, although all of them did not look like that guy. One of them looked like Van Morrison, and the other one looked like Frasier. I never met Steve #2.)(Also, I think everyone should just start calling that guy Steve #4. What difference could it make now that he’s actually fiftysomething?)
How come temptation only happens to married people? When you are single and thirty, somebody you didn’t sleep with in college doesn’t visit, wanting to sleep with you.
Great show; brings back memories. Great marriage stuff.
This picture has been bothering me for days:
Finally I figured out that Hope reminds me of the Salt Vampire: