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I saw a picture of Audrey Tatou this morning because she’s in a new music video or something, and for a second I wondered if secretly she is a jerk. I’m not saying that Audrey Tatou is a jerk, I’m just saying WHAT IF she is a jerk? She could be a jerk! Who knows! The only reason this is even interesting, of course, is because obviously Audrey Tatou’s entire career is built on the perception of her as a Gentle Fairy Waif from Planet Sweetheart, or whatever. But what if THE OPPOSITE WERE TRUE? (Fact: most things that are interesting or curious are just opposites of something else.)
Well, naturally that got me thinking about all kinds of people who seem pretty nice but could secretly be jerks for all we know. Since we don’t really have any evidence to go on, this is all purely speculative, but the march of progress cannot be stopped, and as they always say, science will have its pound of flesh (huh?) so after the jump, a super meaningful and irrefutable poll of who we think is secretly a big jerk based on absolutely nothing whatsoever. I guess something about their face, maybe?
It’s entirely possible that none of these people are secretly jerks, of course, but the point of this poll is too determine who we think is secretly a jerk. So. What an interesting and, mostly importantly, NECESSARY poll.
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what if Ricky Gervais started hanging out with Simon Cowell and got some jerk dust on him?
Clearly it’s Neal Patrick Harris. Years and years of Doogie backlash and resentment, come on it’s a no brainer. Also, he is always looking at my hog in the gym showers.
Plus he’s a magician, and have you ever met a magician that isn’t a jerk?
good call
Oh come on, he’s the man in the $3000 suit!
ILLUSIONIST
I’m sorry, but I have to do this. N-E-I-L
I can’t believe you got downvoted for that. The attack on intellectualism continues…
I got a little bit confused because this is a poll about famous celebrities that give off a generally friendly vibe and yet Topher Grace is nowhere to be found! What if I think he is the biggest secret jerk around?
True. As I scrolled down the list, I almost expected to see his name. But then I realized that TG is a dreamboat and dreamboats are not jerks.
Can I write in Jay Leno?
“Secretly” a jerk. Not “Aggressively” a jerk.
“I was being ironical.” -Good Will Hunting
I voted for Zooey Deschanel, and was surprised that (so far) most other people think she’s possibly a jerk too! Why? I don’t know! The cotton commercials?
It is definitely because of 500 Days of Summer. That’s why I voted for her.
because you know this person is going to be into bands that don’t even exist yet and deride you for your non-ironic t-shirt
Zooey has a lot of pre-existing jerk conditions: cute, vegan, married to a popular bandleader, benefactor of Hollywood nepotism. What I’m saying is that she is looking a little GOOPy these days.
secrets…
VEGANS AREN’T JERKS! YOU’RE A JERK!
(runs away, cries)
hmm, your pre-existing jerk conditions sound an awful lot like pre-existing jealous conditions…
I was surprised too! It’s just a weird vibe I get. She seems like one of those girls that all the guys think is so awesome and all the girls just HATE.
Totally a jerk. Ms. Ohh I’m in Movies plus I make music.
Is it too late to joke about writing in for Ralph Nader yet?
Gabe, did Parade Magazine put you up to this? Clearly, they know where to look when they want reliable answers to the important poll questions of today.
Between this, Marilyn Vos Savant and Howard Huge, I’d say Parade Magazine is probably our country’s most important research journal.
im down with ask marilyn, which make it all the more depressing when i search through the parade for it, only to find that it’s been relegated to two 1/3 columns on non-consecutive odd number pagers.
seriously, is that shitty “magazine” paper super expensive or something? we can’t do what it takes to give marilyn vos savant the space she needs?
Mel Gibson. Wild card!
Why is Zooey winning? Stop it.
I have always suspected that John Cusack might be a huge jerk. I would try and prove my theorem, but neither stalking John Cusack nor kidnapping him seem like they would result in untainted data.
John Cusack’s agent is a jerk.
Go ask him in the gym locker room…
It has been pretty well documented that John Cusack is a mega-jerk. Just read this interview with Savage Steve Holland, writer/director of Better Off Dead:
http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000134.php
It is so hard to choose just one!
Definitely Ricky Gervais. Anything i’ve seen of him behind the scenes, and he’s a big bully. A witty and jovial bully, but a bully nevertheless.
I have the same bad feeling. I voted Ricky G. too, which hurts, because I want him to be great and awesome in real life as he seems to be in showbiz! But I suspect he may well be jerky.
I almost voted for Ricky but decided that all British people are jerks, therefore negating my inclination to vote for him. I voted for Michael Cera, because I saw him at LAX during Christmas, and he was wearing a bright red stocking cap, and I was all like “what an attention whore!”
What a jerk.
All British people? Really? Getting a little jingoistic up in here.
I was obviously being satirical. You know- like how Sarah Palin does it. Satire!
Yup. This is true. Have you seen the extras on Extras? He’s incredibly cruel to his editor but it’s hilarious. “its not bullying cos I do it with love. I love doing it”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrCTSB3edXs
I think Ricky Gervais is almost un-secretly a jerk. Have you seen his standup? Think Eddie Izzard, except just plain mean, instead of drly caustic.
The winner will be crowned by Tom Hanks and Ron Howard right?
Kanye
see: Carrie’s response
Yeah, but he owns all dimensions of jerkitude.
Jerkitude should be the name of the next Strokes album
Paul Rudd 8% (10 votes)
If Paul Rudd is a jerk then…I don’t know I feel really conflicted about all of this you guyz!
“You taste like burger, I don’t like you anymore.” Paul Rudd
I cannot cast a vote for any of those people! Look at yourselves why don’t you, monsters…
Ok maybe Elisabeth Moss because Elizabeth with an “s”? Jerk.
I feel the same way! I went down the whole list saying “Ooh, not him! And her? NEVER!” Clearly, I’m really bad at playing Pretend Jerks.
I think any master photobomber has to have the potential for massive jerkiness inside of them.
Team Jerk Cera!
The jerk store called, they’re running out of secret celebrity jerks!
My vote is for Tina Fey, only because the kind of celebrity she’s been experiencing for a while would turn anyone into a jerk.
i’ve heard other people describe her as a harsh person in interviews
my friend is a waitress at a restaurant that tina fey and her husband frequent regularly and they are not jerks at all and are very nice, in fact.
i said ‘hi’ to jason segal on the fox lot while he was hanging out on a break from filming, and while he didn’t comment on my painfully adorable and very charismatic dog, he did smile and say ‘hi’ back in a non-jerky way.
I impulsively voted for Ricky Gervais but after remembering the whole holding out on the “Arrested Development” movie debacle, I’d like to change my answer to Michael Cera, please.
Also, I hold him personally responsible for the disaster that was “Youth in Revolt”.
Is this a deconstructed blind item?
I guessed ZD. I don’t like her on the Mentalist.
That’s actually the Shock me Shock me with your deviant behavior chick from Empire Records
Empire Records references give me a sugar high.
my friend helped paul rudd buy furniture at crate and barrel and said he was as lovely and charming as he appears to be. he was also said to be wearing glasses and had a lovely wife. paul rudd=true gentleman
source- my friend who works at crate and barrel.
Paul Rudd is nice. He has to be guyz!
Can we do secret racists? Because Miley Cyrus has my vote.
That’s no secret. Remember her “accidental” chink-eye incident?
Ugh that little Cera monster is a jerk. So much ego for playing his awkward self in every movie.
Zooey is my idol. I wake up and look at my “WWZDW” (what would Zooey Deschanel wear) bracelet every morning before getting dressed and I voted for her. I hope she’s a jerk, I kinda am.
Elisabeth Moss is a Scientologist. So that should put her over the edge.
My general dislike for Scientology is at odds with my undying love for anything “Mad Men” related. Damnit.
At first I thought of Elizabeth Banks, and it stung but I was ok with it. But to lose Zoe Bartlett and Peggy Olsen at the same time…it vexes me.
Full disclosure: I voted for Rashida Jones because TEAM PAM 4 LYFE.
Carrie gurl u no i luv u, u my boo. I want 2 propose 2 u in front uv every1.
WILL U B MY E-WIFE
Thine, KTP, ever thine.
FACT: My friend’s brother was busking in New York when a kid stopped to listen and was very into it. But then it turned out it was Paul Rudd’s kid, and he pulled him away and said, “Let’s go NOW!” Okay, maybe he’s not a jerk, but he could have given him a buck or two…
I should note that Kevin Smith gave him $20. Nicest celebrity?
yes!! nicest celebrity (celebrity?) for sure. I want to cuddle with kevin smith for forever. even if I suffocated, totally worth it.
How come Hillary Swank isn’t here? Is it that she is not a secret jerk, just a jerk? Because she is a big jerk.
I saw Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe coming home from a Yankee game on the subway once, I think she gets/they get a point for using public transportation.
I think Paul Rudd gives off that jerky vibe, just because he seems like he was part of the cool crew in high school. But i also think, he was that one cool guy that stood up for the bullied nerds and was like “Hey guys, enough. Leave him and/or her alone.”
Also, Michael Cera was Screech.
It would be nice if he told people to leave someone alone, but to phrase it as “Leave him and/or her alone”? WELCOME TO JERKTOWN POPULATION PAUL RUDD
Don’t vote for Paul Rudd! I talked to him for a good bit a few years ago. It’s true. He’s super nice and he made fun of me for seeing “The Oh in Ohio” in theaters. He also didn’t care that I told him he tastes like a burger.
Please elaborate- what part of him tasted like a hamburger and how were you able to taste that part?
Oh wait, I just got it.
man. i think i’m the only monster without a Paul Rudd Encounter. was he at the pizza party in new york, or what?
I would like to do a write-in for Tim Gunn. Dammit, do I respect that man. But I know it’s just a facade. A soft, smooth, dulcet-toned facade.
I voted for Seth Rogen, but I’m afraid that was a mistake because of his being pretty obviously a jerk. Should’ve gone with Cera and his dumb jerk hair and his dumb jerk face.
I am not sure I understand Ricky Gervais. He overtly acts like a jerk all the time. I haven’t seen him ever NOT act like a jerk. How is he secretly a jerk? You (you = people voting for him) don’t think he’s faking it? Is that the secret? That isn’t really a secret. Let’s define “secret”!
I agree with this 100%. Gervais is confusing to me on this poll.
Zooey Deschanel is a jerk for getting married….why not me Zooey?
What about Air Bud?
Definitely Zooey or MCera. Also, Jason Segel is very very nice.
I always imagine Jason Segel as the type of guy that would draw dicks on your forehead at a party if you passed out first. But it wouldn’t be permanent marker and the next morning he would fix you eggs while you scrubbed it off.
If I was Jason Segel I would definitely draw dicks on the foreheads of friends passed out at parties. Because chances are, my friends are millionaires, so I’d be drawing dicks on the foreheads of millionaires!!!
I’ve only ever personally known one millionaire in my lifetime, he was a classmate at the art school I went to. He passed out at a party and I TOTALLY drew dicks on his face.
It was awesome.
“Yeah, I may not have a million dollars, but let me ask you this- Do I have a dick on my forehead? I thought not. Good day, sir.”
Point of clarification- I’m not the kind of guy that fucks with people when they’re passed out, nor have I ever made it a habit or even an off-and-on thing of drawing on passed-out peoples’ faces.
I drew on that millionaire’s face solely because I wanted to be able to say I’ve drawn on a millionaire’s face. It helped that he was also a pretty jerky guy.
One time in class he got in a screaming argument with everybody when he claimed The Incredibles film was racist because he Frozone’s wife’s voice was a “stereotypical black woman’s voice”). In the same period he then dismissed Halle Berry as a black actress because she was “mocha” and not a real black person.
Being of mixed white and black ethnicities myself, I must say, that millionaire had some face dicks coming his way for a while.
I have not drawn on anyone’s face since, so please don’t think poorly of me, monsters!
I think it went something like Paul Rudd woke Jason Segel up with his dick in front of his face. Not sure how this information contributes to poll, but it seems like it should be considered.
http://newyork.timeout.com/articles/hot-seat/72195/jason-segel
I think it’s impossible for Paul Rudd to be a secret jerk because of that funny dance he does on talk shows.
i voted for zooey deschanel cause she went and did two really jerky things, she made a shitty record and married a dude that makes shitty records. what she should have done was act exactly like her character in all the real girls, except for the boning of that other dude part, and married me. but these are really obvious and not secret jerk things to do so now i’m really confused and conflicted about his whole poll.
I voted for Rashida Jones because she’s Quincy Jones’ kid… Growing up beautiful surrounded by millions of dollars makes me think she’s probably a little jerky…
Apparently everyone’s more of a jerk than Audrey Tatou, according to current results. Your entire premise is flawed! The premise that some people may possibly be more of a jerk than they seem based on the fact that they seem so nice! That premise!
Paul Rudd should be walking away with this.
Where’s the option to vote for people who can’t spell “Tautou” correctly?
Blake Lively. We have mutual friends and she’s kind of UGH
But how is that a big secret? I mean, she doesn’t really come off as a really down-to-Earth person or anything. Or does she? Am I missing something here? Is she known for being really nice?
She eats Activa yogurt constantly.
The after effects match her personality
She helps women deal with uncomfortably sluggish or bloated feelings?
Team Cera Jerk…anyone starring in the movie Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist has to be a jerk, Andy Samberg notwithstanding.
George Clooney. Seemingly the most charming dude, admirable social activist, yada yada (and lord knows if we ever met I’d be on him like ugly on an ape)– but such strong potential for him to be a smarmy, pompous boob.
Jason Reitman was on a podcast talking about how Clooney let he and his wife stay in their absurdly ridiculous Italian mansion while he was there on vacation (pre-Up In The Air). I vote for Clooney being a legitimate nice guy.
That was a really good BS Report. Also, sports.
this makes me laugh every time.
yeah and jerry seinfeld presented oprah with 20 pairs of shoes after she interviewed his wife for her puree-cook book. a millionaire’s present to a billionaire…clearly makes someone nice*
* not nice.
My sister met him in the Alps in a “boutique” hotel and as wanky as all that sounds she said he was a charming and amiable man.
Y’know what? fuck it. I’m trying to write something funny or say WHY PAUL RUDD IS PROBABLY A JERK, but guys, I’m a jerk. I’m a big fucking jerk. and you’re jerks for thinking Zooey is a jerk but I only think she’s not a jerk because she is pretty…but I also think Paul Rudd is a jerk because he is pretty because, I’M SECRETLY THE JERK!
Well played, Mr. Hausfrau, barging in at the 11th hour to steal the Secret Big Jerk crown away from Michael Cera. That’s REALLY jerky. You’ve got my vote, sir.
(You are a sir, right? I feel like a bit of a jerk for not knowing.)
GINGER BALL Z FOR SECRET JERK OF THE YEAR!!!
Good use of bold.
2% is right. Audrey Tatou is OBVIOUSLY not a jerk and i’m surprised at you for even having this e-thought in your i-brain about making such a statement, even if it’s a huuge WHAT IF, gabe. surprised!
It has been pretty well documented that John Cusack is a mega-jerk. Just read this interview with Savage Steve Holland, writer/director of Better Off Dead:
http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000134.php
Jesus, Mary & Joseph! This was supposed to be in response to a post upthread.
I didn’t even get past Michael Cera in this list. I’m sure he’s a really big jerk who used to be really awesome but then it got to his head. Also, because Jersey Shore.
I’ve seen Paul Rudd do interviews where the interviewer asked some ridiculous questions, but Paul always went along and was always gracious, so I don’t think there is any way that he is a jerk. On the other hand I couldn’t vote for Michael Cera because I don’t think it’s a secret at all that he’s a HUGE jerk. Just look at all those dickish things he said about AD. He’s a jerk out in the open.
That being said, I voted for Seth Rogen.
I’d have to agree with you, MCera was at a premiere in Austin and he was a huge jerk to all the fans in the crowd. Alia Shawkat (Maebe) was here as well and she was super nice and talked to everyone after the show, but Cera was an asshole and avoided everyone.
Michael Cera has fooled us all because he’s actually a nice guy who is already pretending to be a seemingly nice guy who is actually a secret jerk, because acting. That’s why he pretends to flip out on movie sets. Because, hey, how funny would it be if such a nice young man were actually a secret jerk? HE IS ONE STEP AHEAD OF US!
Well, since every single one of these people are in the entertainment industry I’m sure there was a time in their life where they were always pestering their friends to come see their plays, check out their new headshots or, if the technology existed at the time of their “struggling actor phase”, become their fan on Facebook.
So based on that, I vote for everybody.
Well, since every single one of these people are in the entertainment industry I’m sure there was a time in their life where they were always pestering their friends to come see their plays, check out their new headshots or, if the technology existed at the time of their “struggling actor phase”, become their fan on Facebook.
So based on that, I vote for everybody.
godDAMNIT. Now look who’s a jerk!
So at first I saw the link for the poll and totally thought of myself. Then I realized I am a very public jerk so that wouldn’t work. And when I read that it was about famous secret jerks, that precluded me even further.
Basically, I am self absorbed and think solely of myself.
So I voted for Michael Cera.
Ricky Gerkvais
Ricky Jerkface
I knew Michael Cera would get a lot of votes. He was mine. I think it’s the fact that a vague impression has been given at various times that his reluctance is the hitch in the Arrested Development movie plan.
Don’t get me wrong–I love him, but he just might be a secret jerk. We’ll see how the poll turns out. How many votes do we have to get for science to happen?
I’m one of the few monsters who has no interest in Arrested Development, and let me say, I voted for him because he is a jerk. And he plays the same role in every movie. And Jersey Shore.
Hmmm, interesting–no interest in AD, huh? I don’t know about that kiddo. But–he definitely does play the same character in every movie. The beauty of AD, if you watched it in real time, is that we didn’t know that yet. His “Michael Cera-ness” was BRAND NEW.
I’m going to go ahead and vote Elisabeth Moss. I don’t know who that is but I feel the need to participate. Elisabeth Moss, what a dickhead!
Zoey is a name. Zooey isn’t a name. But as other people have said this is obvious, so not a secret jerk. Everyone else seems pleasant.
Zooey is a name, but it’s a boy’s name in Salinger’s Franny and Zooey.
See now how do you pronounce it then? Is it an a-sexual name? I assumed it was Zoo-E.
Nope, it’s pronounced Zo-ey.
I thought Michael Cera was openly a jerk.
I voted for him anyway.
I didn’t know who four of these people were. I have to read more TMZ.
P.S. Chris O’Donnell is a dick.
I think it’s January Jones, as much as it pains me to say it…
you guys, the answer is MICHELLE WILLIAMS!!! (the actor, not the singer) I have been convinced of this since season 1 of Dawson’s Creek. And yes, it is just because of her face.
Seeing Ricky Gervais have 160 votes hurts me inside a little bit.
they are probably the same person.
I’m feeling Seth Rogen. Anyone who casts himself as the suave Green Hornet must be a jerk.
Drawing Dicks on The Foreheads of Millionaires is totally going to be the next album by your favourite protest band.
I could’ve sworn this was a reply to RajusX up there. Harrumph!
Don’t worry, I still read your comment!
I have little hope in most of those people, but I bet you dollars for donuts that that dancing Spiderman kid is not a jerk.
Sorry, I don’t feel comfortable when people I’ve just met on the internet try to poll me.
Poor Michael Cera! Ouch. So, I hate to plug myself (TWSS) but I just wrote about a surprising jerk today at the same time Gabe was writing this! A beloved singer & songwriter from your grandparents’/Clown Coffee’s generation…
diarrhea
I know he’s old, but my friend goes to church with Tom Hanks, and she confirmed to my surprise that he is, in fact, a jerk.
Then I saw Angels and Demons and realized she was right.
That’s weird, because Tom Hanks is widely known to be one of the nicest people in show business. Maybe people in Hollywood are such insufferable assholes that being the called the “nicest” really just means “least jerkiest?” This makes me sad.
I think that I only voted for Rashida Jones because it’s hard to believe that someone that pretty isn’t a little bit of a jerk. She’s probably not a jerk at all.
Has anyone else ever wondered if Natalie Portman is a secret jerk?
No secret my friend! She was on Top Chef this year, oh she is just insufferable. One of those “Ohh I am just so artistic bwahhhh”. Plus she refuses to play any Jewish characters so as not to be “typecast”. Terrible.
I’ve met Paul Rudd and I found him to be extremely pleasant. That was just one day, of course, who knows.
I was surprised at the *lack* of votes for Jason Segel, who got my vote. He just strikes me as dickish and aggressively insincere. But I feel kinda weird about that vote now since (according to the frontrunners for secret jerkhood: Zooey, Ricky, MCera, etc.) there are apparently much bigger jerks to be fried, or whatever.
I’m surprised Michael Cera and Will Arnett are mentioned here. As a fellow Canadian, we are capable of being annoying, overly nice and occassionally whiny, but we’re rarely classified as jerks. It just isn’t in our DNA. I think it has something to do with maple syrup consumption.
I am in no way surprised that this crowd has, so far, deemed Cera as a (not so) secret jerk. However, I feel like anyone, constantly understood to be the most awkward, innocent little twerp in show business, is entitled to a little bit of jerkiness. On the other hand, Deschanel’s Top Chef appearance is indisputable evidence of how much she secretly sucks. I feel like Cera is a jerk in the way I, maybe, am (defense mechanism), and Zooey is a jerk in the way Gwyneth Paltrow is (ex. their names are Zooey, and Gwyneth).
Also, I have a picture of a British person in my wallet.
It’s fine, we are kind of jerks. Look at The Queen, total jerk.
Hey, I have a picture of a British person in my wallet! It’s this round metal portrait of someone called Liz that I sometimes exchange for goods and services.
In all seriousnessgum, for the record, I like British people a lot, and I often embarrass myself when I’m around them due to my inability to talk normally, instead involuntarily adopting an English accent. It’s really bad.
I always think about the Eddie Izzard bit where he talks about being in the U.S. down south, and some southern guy telling him to “speak British to my kids!”