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Why were there two episodes of Jersey Shore on last night? This is the biggest thing to happen to MTV in years. It is an actual cultural phenomenon. So why rush through it? Weird. I’m not trying to come down to MTV’s work and slap the scheduling wipe-board out of their mouth, but it certainly seems like a bonehead move to me. If I were MTV (yes, if I were a cable network rather than a human being) I would be milking this for all it was worth. Because if there is one thing MTV has shown through this whole thing it is restraint and a hesitancy to milk Jersey Shore. (Cable television publicity strategies jokes using sarcasm!) Let’s just get to it, shall we?
Mike “The Situation” is a painfully sad man with a gaping hole in his soul that no amount of bronzer, hair gel, or protein powder could possibly fill.
Last night’s episodes witnessed a borderline mental-break from a man working desperately to prove his value along the parameters he thought his community required and respected, only to find that the members of his community ultimately placed a higher value on honesty and humanity than they did on the trappings of a sexually non-discriminating jerk. Mike’s constant need to alpha-male his housemates (“I’ve got tons of ammo on all of you”) falls flat when the reality is you’re painfully insecure. Asked Ronnie, “what dude needs to change his shirt four times before going out?” It’s true! No one could ever argue that Ronnie, Vinny, and Pauly D are not obsessively concerned with their outward appearance, so fi they find YOU to be going overboard with your preparations, something is wrong.
And last night, Mike was infuriating everyone. Because that is what insecure people do. When “the gang” took a trip to Atlantic City, Mike called Snooki fat at dinner (nice!) and then refused to take a break from making out with an impossibly drunk girl who had already made out with Vinny (nice) to help escort a sick-drunk Jwoww back to the room. Why Jwoww did not ask Pauly, who the cameras revealed to be standing right behind her, and who is obviously a more thoughtful person (unless you are Jewish?) will remain a mystery. But Mike refused, because you don’t just STOP making out with an impossibly drunk woman who barely even knows you’re there (for all she knew, he was a cotton candy dragon in an underwater city built of wishes, because blackouts are blackouts) to take care of someone who is relying on you. And so this happened:
Yikes. Those security people sure ran in the room quick! Where did they come from! Whether or not Mike deserved to get backfisted in the face is up for debate, but clearly things are getting difficult for our little Abs Monster. If anything, the conversation with Vinny is more painful than the punch, because everything that he says is true and also gross. And Mike’s response of “Obviously you didn’t taste good enough for her to stick around” falls flat/sad.
And things never get better for Mike. When they get back to Seaside, it is more confrontation. Like, serious, Intervention-style confrontation:
Oooooof. Mike’s insistence that he is a worthwhile human being because he often brings home cute girls, although sometimes they are ugly, is a sign of just how wildly he is grasping at straws to keep his sanity together, because it is built on a faulty premise. But his argument that you can never know someone in 27 days, although sort of fair, doesn’t account for the fact that knowing someone does not equal liking someone. Because that seems to be what is at issue here: no one likes Mike. Whether or not they “know” him is kind of beside the point. I’m sure they will have another late night meeting to explain that to him.
And then there was the punch.
Ronnie, come on! You have got to be kidding me! Afterward, he skipped down the street shouting “one punch, you’ve got to be kidding me!” So proud of his ability to assault someone mere days after he assaulted someone else. Just moments after the punch aired, his castmates Twittered about it? 2010. The future is here.
I swear that The Situation twittered about the punch, and that it was awful. He said something like “that’s what you get. haters go 2 sleep.” But the post has been taken down? I’m not sure what bothers me more, the completely unnecessary praise of criminal violence, or the fact that the praise is being COVERED UP. Major scandal.
I love that the cops know Ronnie’s name.
And this question seems absolutely correct in every way:
Ronnie insists that the guy assaulted him and that he was just trying to go home, which is hilarious. I’m sure that there is just no way we could ever know whether or not that is true. “It’s weird how this camera crew has been filming your every move for the past few months and has footage of you breaking away from your friends to run back down the street and knock a man unconscious for no real reason. But I suppose it is your words against the footage. You are free to go, honest, decent man.” Yuck. At least THIS WEEK Ronnie finally faces some consequences.
His fellow castmates stand around and watch this happen, completely incredulous. Really, castmates? Someone actually says “I can’t believe they’re putting Ronnie in a car right now.” You can’t believe it? Really? Fair enough. I suppose all of us have our belief systems challenged from time to time. I, for example, could not believe that Vinny was wearing a Led Zeppelin t-shirt. But he was!
Not that Ronnie didn’t have some justification for his behavior. As Sammi pointed out, the people who were harassing them were 30. 30! Although, you would think that 30-year-olds would have taunts that made more sense.
Go back to New Jersey? OH SNAP. OH HUH? Even “go back to New York” seems pretty weak, but “go back to New Jersey” is just comical.
Speaking of comical, Snooki was pushing HARD last night to get her own reality dating show. My goodness.
Every other word from her mouth was about her difficulties in finding love on the Jersey Shore. “If only there was a host, and some kind of cleverly-formatted elmination ceremony.” What will her inevitable goodbye catchphrase be? I think it should be “I’m vibing you, but no homo.”
But it was Pauly D, who has proven himself to be tied with Vinny for Most Decent and Normal and Human Somehow, who had the best line of the night when, in an argument on the duck phone (classic) with an Israeli Jew who apparently wanted to get married so that they could do it, said “I went on one ride, God bless me, it’s fucking summer.”
Poet.
Next week: the season finale? I think? that was fast.
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Can someone please provide a screen shot of the “I heart Jewish Girls” T-shirt wherein the heart is a star of David with an Italian flag?
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Ouches All Around!
It’s really more of a compliment. I read your recaps of all sorts of shows I don’t watch and enjoy them in their own right (In other words, “Gabe’s blog posts, I like you for YOU”). But this post just made me sad. And this is coming from someone who DVRd Rock of Love and I Love New York.
Today was the first time I’ve watched the clips. I was expecting it to be grim, but lord, it made me feel fucking terrible. These people are being pumped full of alcohol and made fools of. Horrendous example of a moral deficit in our culture.
Policeman: “What happen?”
Ronnie: “Someone set us up the bomb!”
Policemen: “What you say?”
I haven’t watched the show, because I live in New Jersey and this is my life already, but after reading this re-cap, I may. Slutty orange girls making out with guys with huge hair – not interested. But human pathos and unraveling relationships and a teense of schadenfreude? Yes.
It’s like A Streetcar Named Desire, but with an oompah loompa instead of Blanche and a ‘roidy guido instead of the deliciousness that is Young Marlon Brando.
As a fellow New Jerseyan, I too find it incredibly hard to watch this show. I used to take kids to Seaside when I was a camp counselor!!
It is my LIFE.
Forgive my lateness to this orange person party, but I’ve been reviewing my notes here and I’m wondering…are you the Monster who is, like, 15, or underage in some way? Because wow, [gender], you are easily the funniest [person] I know. (FML?) I’m always impressed! So…I don’t have to go to jail now, do I?
Wow, thank you, Rara! I feel all warm and fuzzy inside! ^_^
Yes, I am 15 [and a girl, contrary to the public's opinion.]
And don’t worry about going to jail, we’re all heading there anyway.
If you think Intervention and Hoarders is entertaining, you’ll like Jersey Shore.
Some of it is funny, but as someone who grew up in the South I’d compare it more to a National Geographic Special.
I haven’t seen the show, but as someone who grew up in New Jersey, all of Gabe’s posts on it make me miss the place. Sort of. I mean, they remind me that these people are not just a really weird dream I had.
Why Reverand, I don’t think any person here would not love to watch Henry Fonda pick blueberries.
I’m all for democracy, but this seems like a weird comment to be downvoted for.
I refused to watch this show for weeks but once I finally did it was game over. “I went on one ride, God bless me, it’s fucking summer” is going down as the top catchphrase of ’10.
All the misogyny of last century, with all the appeal of this one.
This show debates the difficult questions of our era. Ones that have been around since the 1930s, at least, condensing them for popular consumption.
Wait, what? “No, it’s not illegal to kill a woman if she damages your… oh wait there’s no product in this ad.” This is a terrible ad!
“Just fire me already.”-Don Draper
I love the ad for fertility tests they kept showing, but I can’t wait 20 years for Jersey Shore: TNG.
“Did anybody play trucks?” is the question I want an answer to.
So my wife works with a bunch of Italians. One of her Asian co-workers went up to a girl who was born in Sicily and said, “I saw your fist-pumping cousins on TV last night.” Her reply? “They don’t even look Italian.” Uh, not only do they look Italian, I can see them as there 70 year old Italian selves with little to no effort. Pauly D and Snookie look like just about every one of my Italian friend’s grandparents as children. Also, I am Italian and love this show.
My Italian co-workers who originally boycotted the show because “it’s racist against Italians and New Jersey” now love it and watch it regularly. “Everybody loves me — babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal.” — Mike “The Situation”
“I guess I’m a racist. Ham!”
Whoa, “I saw your fist-pumping cousins on TV last night” is a pretty fucked-up thing to say to somebody.
They give each other shit as a form of affection at her workplace. They all have a good sense of humor about it.
Pauly D’s stalker was the most normal-looking person that has appeared on the show. It’s the Jersey Shore – who wears jeans and black shirts when they go out? At least take one of those pieces of clothing off first; come on.
How do they still manage to get in fights when they now have bodyguards as part of their crew? This show is so great because every episode reaches a new level of woof.
UMM, you kinda have to be incognito if you are trying to stalk SOMEONE’S WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!
Here’s me after two full hours of Jersey Shore:
The thing that fascinates me most about the Jersey Shore is the t-shirts they wear when they go out. I’ve never seen so many of the same t-shirts in the so many different colors. It’s like someone took the biggest box of crayons they could find, mixed them with a pair of angels wings and crazy font, and BAM! the coolest bunch of the same t-shirts ever created.
I liked the one Pauly (or was it Ronnie?) was wearing that read “TRUTH” across the top. Because reality television.
I get it. +1
I WILL SHOVE TAMPONS UP YOUR NOSE
Sorry. Just had to get that out.
Found your soulmate:
And I found YOUR boyfried:
Wow thanks you guys! Guess I can close out that eHarmony account…
I also noticed a “yellow man” during last night’s Michigan – Indiana basketball game (yes, I watch sportz)–it appears that there are now spandex-wearing folks of all colors. What a world we live in! Now if only we could figure out which one was the blackest…
I think the existence of a second episode resulted from extra footage — stretching one action-packed episode into two. I mean, I always assumed that’s why they did the weird ‘after’ shows — to max ad dollars. Sincerely, Captain TV
I don’t get or want cable/broadcast TV, so I really shouldn’t comment on this blog (even though it’s the BEST BLOG ON THE PLANET…and I say that without one iota of hyperbole). But I WILL comment on this blog: I have NEVER been able to watch an entire episode of ANY reality show. And I’ve attempted it two or three times. The producers hold tryouts for these shows looking for people who have borderline personality disorder, or are megalomaniacs or sociopaths. They pick the worst ones (you know, the ones who may have murdered their girlfriends and then killed themselves), then put them in a situation that brings out the worst in them. Because entertainment. I don’t get it, but I can’t argue with it. The ratings don’t lie and the shows are cheap to produce.
Watching Mike try to defend his very perception of himself against recklessly self-absorbed people who could no longer take his own brand of reckless self absorption was really compelling. You could see him trying to think his way out of his awful situation (ugh) but there was no way he could because instead of building his life on a rock he built it on Ed Hardy shirts and skanks or something equally prone to movement.
That was like Bob Stinson getting kicked out of the Replacements for drinking too much.
Yes! That’s exactly what it’s like!
I still can’t believe it’s “wipe-board,” and not “white-board.”
I have to tell you guys something. I actually really like Snooki. She’s grown on me over the last few weeks. She seems like a genuinely sweet (if a little slow) person who has terrible luck with guys (and really just humans in general.) She made me sad last night when those awful girls were making fun of her outfit and calling her names because she’d unwittingly made out with one of their boyfriends.
Sammi, on the other hand, is a total frakking nightmare. She’s one of those people that’s constantly chasing and creating drama while claiming to be “over it.” She’s like an Italian Lindsay Lohan.
Why is the thing that infuriates me most about this “Neither does he know me neither!”?
NEITHER DOES HE KNOW ME NEITHER!!!
Who the fuck thinks that that is a sentence?! It’s one thing for some Cheeto-fingered internet moron to barf that up on their monitor in their mom’s basement at 3am after too many energy drinks, but an actual adult human being used those words in a sequence they believed to be an acceptable and coherent structure and even a complete thought.
I see what you are saying The One. But much worse are some of the VPs with MAs or MBAs making six figures where I work: these folks actually sit down and concentrate, and then produce startling misspellings, despairingly passive structure, whimsical logic, both redundancy and repetition (see what I did there?), and just balls-out incoherence. Sad, really. My advice to you: crack open an Elmore Leonard novel, a beer or entire bottle of wine, and chillax.
While I was still working at my now former place of employment, one of the higher-ups gave me some notes on a project I was working on and misspelled “swords.” He spelled it “swards.”
No, I won’t tell you why swords were even being addressed at my job. The important aspect of this story is the fact that the fucking moron misspelled it.
SWARDS.
i hope they don’t just abandon the Pauly/Israeli Girl relationship, though they probably will. I mean, WHAT was up with them?! Their “breakup” conversation was priceless and the fact that they left the club together was totally inexplicable. Do they like each other? Are they both masochists? WILL THEY GET MARRIED ONE DAY!?
also: Pauly: “I like a challenge, so whatever.” -not just a poet, but a romantic poet.
Question: Do you get to choose your own Jersey nickname or do other people give you your nickname. Or do you buy a shirt from a crappy seaside bric-a-brac store with a nickname already imprinted on it and go with that?
(ps – if you get to choose your own nickname I call “Señor Awesome” … if it isn’t already taken.)