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And so it begins. Last night, the 147th season of American Idol kicked off with its annual Teasing Of The Nerds. It is amazing that it is 2010 and America still considers it enjoyable and hilarious and interesting to make fun of hopeful and often kind of sad people for their inability to do the thing they love. “That guy sings so bad! I was laughing so hard I almost fell out of my hoverchair!” That is what people will say in 1,000 years when we’re probably still watching this stupid show. “I hope the TX-1000 wins!”
Of course, this is a big season for the show, since Paula is gone, and Simon has announced he is leaving. Who will fill their horrible shoes? Who will care?! (I know that millions of people will care, but this is my little corner of the world, and as such, I get to pretend that not everything is terrible.)
Obviously, there is schadenfreude at work here, at least in the early episodes of the show, when the people who can actually sing (kind of, even some of the winners last night seemed like losers, if you know what I mean) get even less time on-screen then the people who are just there to get kicked in the mouth. You know, as entertainment! For the kids! So there was the sad girl who thinks she can sing because she gets decent scores on the American Idol Wii game*. And there was the sad anime girl. And there was the sad angry Rivers Cuomo guy. And there was the sad this guy:
Oh jeez.
And there is something deeper and more interesting than schadenfreude as well, which is the not entirely unwelcome experience of watching people’s narcissistic delusions being shattered. Because some of the people who cannot sing don’t seem to understand that we all have our limitations, and that there are certain dreams that we should probably NOT hold onto long after the world has made it clear that we would be better off pursuing other options. This part of American Idol only gets more intense as the years go by, because the people being mocked and humiliated and SHAMED are well aware of how the show works. They are, in a sense, offering themselves up to us. When the anime girl–who Randy Jackson told to quit singing and stick with the animation thing, such is the show’s indifference to who these people actually ARE, as if being interested in anime therefore MAKES YOU an anime?–was told that she was not good at singing and would not be going on to Hollywood, said “how can you say that to me?” The incredulity at Simon being mean to YOU, in the same way that he has been mean to literally hundreds of other would-be-singers, is a mark of our cultural obsession with being special snowflakes and each the exception to all the rules.
It just makes you wonder, you know, what was this guy thinking:
Cool “desert” sound effects! What is this, an episode of Blind Date?!
I should make it clear that I am not above laughing at these people. I laughed at each and everyone one of them. AT, not WITH. I’m a human being, as are we all. But I am not the asshole in this situation. American Idol is the asshole. And I will show you why.
First you have to watch this:
THERE IT IS. Right there. Did you see it? It’s not the part where we are encouraged to laugh at the expense of a probably very confused young man who seems to have taken most of his “look” from Katherine Dunn novels, being incapable of singing a song that it is funny he is even singing in the first place because this is an audition to be on a show about music**, not a one-man pre-party dance session in front of the mirror. In Germany. That is not the part where American Idol is an asshole, or at least any more of an asshole than at any other point that we have already discussed. No, it is at the moment where they ENCOURAGE HIM TO START OVER. Fuck all of them. Not a single “judge” on that “distinguised panel” was confused about which of the two types of contestants Norberto Guerrero will be when the show airs. They could have just put him out of his misery with comments about needing a bigger window through which to throw themselves, or how the gun only had three bullets so Victoria Beckham would have to stay alive to tell the world what had happened here today. But instead, they put him through the ringer for a second time, because they are a bunch of assholes.
Whatever, I guess. Norberto Guerrero wanted to be on TV, and he got what he wanted, kind of. It’s not his or our fault that we live in a dying world. Perhaps things will be better when I am rebirthed on Pandora.
And thus concludes Videogum’s coverage of the 147th season of American Idol.
*This was easily one of the weirdest moments of product placement in product placement history, because while the entire segment of the sad girl who thought she could sing because she got decent scores on the American Idol Wii game was obviously only on the show to promote the American Idol Wii game, it also told potential customers that the product they were being encouraged to buy would inevitably make them into stupid losers?
**It is hilarious how this show insists that it is about succeeding in the music industry. It’s not. It is about succeeding on a reality TV show about the music industry. And even that is only kind of true. Because the last time I checked, the music industry was not singularly focused on determining who could do the best Stevie Wonder covers. Sure, some of the show’s winners go on to have actual success. But some of them don’t. It’s hit or miss. But, like, when the angry Rivers Cuomo Nightmare was getting so angry about having to wait, the judges scolded him about how he wants to succeed in the music industry but he’s not even willing to wait a few hours to audition for American Idol, the one true mark of musical talent. What? Shut up, this show. Although, in American Idol‘s defense, that guy was ALSO an asshole.
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Ah, Simon Cowell – a regular reminder that no matter how many times you consider a person for the coveted title of “The Worst” there’s always Cowell there to prove you wrong. He is The Worst.
im gonna go ahead and disagree and say, in this clip, randy is, hands down, THE WORST!
i dont watch the show and i never have – (i see clips like this when they are posted somewhere on the internet) and even i know simon is the mean one that doesnt sugarcoat his criticisms to the people that suck. randy was supposed to be middle of the road – can give criticism but in a nicer way – but yet, while simon is demoralizing the kid, randy is belly laughing and clapping his hands together in such a way that it makes me hate him. the kid gives randy a compliment and then he encourges him to start again to laugh again, but HARDER this time. simon is all – no your not good. but randy is poking fun and humilating this kid on another level,
i refuse to watch even the recaps now of this show now.
Did anyone else love Andrew Fenlon?( The glasses kid who was a bitch to American Idol and sang House Of The Rising Sun)
Also, does it make me a bad person that I’m starting not to care too much about what the contestants with the sad background have to say?
He was a Hometapes Records / Misra Records intern! Hahaha.
You know how gladiator fighting was to the Roman Empire what human sacrifice was to the Aztecs? I can’t help feeling that American Idol is our gladiator fights, only worse because people on American Idol actually want to be slaughtered in exchane for being on TV and doing morning show radio interviews the day after Idol airs.
We are so screwed.
You probably mean Gladiators = Tlachtli.
Sacrifice was part of ritual and “religious” purposes. Not to be confused with fights to the death for sport.
I don’t think gladiators volunteered. I thought they were forced to fight. Anyway, my point was that gladiators or Aztec sacrifices probably weren’t willing participants but American Idol hopefuls are. But what do I know? I got my info from Ridley Scott and Mel Gibson.
I want to see the angry Rivers Cuomo guy.
All I could focus on the entire 2 hours was whether or not Posh Spice was going to die of starvation during the episode. Even her clapping looked feeble!
Posh’s sharp little collarbones are the human equivalent of the Red Ryder BB gun.
They’ll do serious eye damage.
I can’t watch the videos on my phone. Where am I supposed to get my daily shadenfreude?
Yo Dawg, Listen up! You got some mad clothing skills. As you can tell by my Swatch you know I’m basically the Tim Gunn of the fake music industry. I gotta say that the song wasn’t for me dawg, but that vest is straight-up Xanadu hot. Cool it with the music and just concentrate on sparkly vests and making your hair look like its ready for a quinceanera.
Much Love,
Randy
I, for one, am proud that I will be able to tell my hover grandchildren that while the rest of America watched our weakest and most helpless citizens get thrown into life’s gutter, I watched Conan O’Brien, one of our strongest and richest citizens, get thrown into life’s gutter.
Also, best just-want-to-get-on-TV fake audition ever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CukM90kz_NY
As a voice coach, I’m constantly amazed and fascinated by people who have no idea what they really sound like… I can’t imagine going through life with no critical faculties whatsoever.
I don’t really think that the contestants that overreact to the judge’s criticisms (i.e. “How can you say that to me?”) are really honestly reacting at all. At this point, they know how the game is played (it’s been 10,000 years since the show debuted, after all). You can audition for American Idol even though you know you can’t sing, and then if you act like an outrageous, totally oblivious asshole, you will be on TV for 3 solid fucking minutes of glory.
I don’t doubt that’s often the case, but I’ve met up with a lot of people who are just as oblivious when there are no cameras rolling (“What was wrong with that? What do you mean I need to work on my breathing? What does breathing have to do with singing?”). It’s as if they’re just imitating the sounds they hear, and when it gets filtered through their voice it sounds… different. But not to them.
I think part of it comes from our “if you have a dream, all you have to do is believe” culture… yes, you have to believe, but you also have to be a little good, then you have to work very very hard to shape that talent into a skill.
Greatest moment of all time, was wen Ryan was hugged by the child with down syndrome and Ryan says. “You are suprisingly strong.”
Also, best just-want-to-get-on-TV fake audition ever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CukM90kz_NY
“rivers cuomo guy” was more like “michael ian black guy” to me.
The girl judge who is not a Spice Girl was clearly in love with him. She was angry at him for making her lady parts so moist. I have never seen a moment so obviously the beginning of a rom-com starring Katherine Heigl, but in real life.
I don’t watch this show. I’ve seen it, but I never got into it. I caught a snippet of the episode last night, the Angry Rivers Cuomo part, and you know what? Fuck everyone on this show. They are all the asshole. The panel of judges? Big, wide assholes. That’s nothing new. The teenagers who are being sent to Hollywood to compete this season? They were all 5-year-old assholes when this show debuted ten thousand years ago, and they’ve only grown up to be bigger, bolder assholes. (Also, their parents are assholes.) The ones with the sad stories? Assholes. Don’t pimp your sad, asshole backstory to get on television. Ryan Seacrest is an asshole because I’m still not sure what he does exactly on this show. Does he have any responsibility or is he just there? You’re an asshole, I’m an asshole. Television is an asshole.
American Idol contestants, let me introduce you to American Idol judges. Now that you know each other, I’d like to introduce both of you to American Idol audience. Great. I thought it’d be nice for you all to get acquainted because you really do deserve each other.
I don’t care about the judges egging on the terrible contestants b/c that is the backbone of the show and essentially the only reason they (by they, I mean everyone involved) are there. The thing that I loathe about American Idol are the sob stories. The show is basically promoting the message that all of your troubles will fade away if you are on TV. This show is essentially our leaden casks of wine. Drink up America. (In the interest of full disclosure, I still watch the auditions from time to time and I still laugh at the uggos who can’t sing b/c I’m an awful person, just not a stupid one)
THIS TUESDAY,
WHEN ASSHOLES CLASH!
AMERICAN IDOL VS. RIVERS CUOMO NIGHTMARE GUY!
TUESDAY! TUESDAY! TUESDAY!
THE SHIT WILL FLY!
The dude that made that ad tagline – Sunday, Sunday, Sunday – Died.
This past Sunday, Jan 10 2010, fittingly enough.
RIP Jan C. Gabriel
http://www.chitownradio.com/messages/9873.html
i don’t care how bad the show is just as long as i get to watch the sad rose petal boy over and over and over again. the snooki punch just got served.
I agree. I always found Randy, Cara, and Paula (in her time) to be the most despicable. Simon is straight forward, at least, while the others mock these contestants to their faces while maintaining the pretense that they’re the nice ones? Also, Randy constantly strikes me as someone who is trying so hard to live up to Simon’s lore, but always fails. Like when Simon told one kid that his vote was yes then got up and left the table. Randy immediately said that his vote was no and got up and left, too. There’s nothing sadder than a failed dramatic exit (except lots of things, I guess. Hi Haiti!), ammirite?
Woops. That was meant in reply to Nicole up top.
I just feel like there’s only so much ground to be covered in the audition episodes for these talent show reality shows. It’s hard for me to imagine that there is a single singer so significantly worse than any singer who auditioned for the previous 25 seasons of American Idol that they couldn’t resist showing them to the world. It infuriates me to no end that all of these assholes show up year after year and put on the same uncreative garbage parade and it keeps getting aired. We know the drill already, FOX!
Someone’s ability to learn a BeeGees song from Gilbert Gottfried in 4 days, perform it competently and then not break down crying as they are harshly criticized for their singing and/or styling in front of millions of people is not an accurate gauge of how someone will get along in the music industry. Maybe next season they’ll have them all sit down at a table with a lawyer and an agent and try to suss out all the details of a record deal, or make them all play a 40 minute set at 1 in the morning at a dingy club in Lubbock, Texas.
So, a Web site that exists solely to make fun of people whenever they fail miserably at what they do is going to call out other people for doing it?
Ok, so I’ve now posted 3 times in this thread (A big nono apparently) Scusi.
Videogum seems to exist not just for fail but for unfail. Success. Win? Yes. Win is the term.
My terrible, bogus job is located in the very Boston skyscraper in which this abomination was filmed. True story.
Do you get to witness the nightmare parade?
Yeah, I had one of those “Two Americas” moments yesterday with a coworker who couldn’t believe I was not going to watch the “best part of the season! the auditions! they are so funny!”
I called her white trash and slapped her face. That’s all these people understand: violence.
Link to angry Rivers plz?
I’d like to nominate this headline as the best of 2010 so far please. Cause, yes.
(P.S. Can we start that somewhere if it hasn’t been already? The best VG Headlines?)
I would argue that American Idol is an asshole even before any of the bad contestants get before the judges: when they are put through 2 rounds of auditions before producers and led to believe they are doing something right when they aren’t cut immediately. The judges encouraging him to start over is just more of the same, only on camera, so we can all laugh at the poor sucker. This show is the worst.
I think we can expand American Idol Is An Asshole into Reality TV Is An Asshole or even American Society Is An Asshole. Because this is just another manifestation of IF YOU JUST BELIEVE you will succeed. No, you won’t. Because that’s not how reality works. You’ll just embarass yourself.
Whoops, I just reiterated what Gabe said in different words! I suck!
Let’s also never forget the terrible damage American Idol has done to the young women of this great nation:
Did that girl to the left faint?!
No, she just walks off frame.
The girl that thought she could could sing because she played the American Idol video game reminded me of the assistant in one of the episodes last season of Curb Your Enthusiasm that only wore belly shirts to show off her muffin top to the world.
I actually thought angry Rivers Cuomo guy was hilarious for some reason and didn’t actually sing that bad. I got the impression that he was in on the joke and was only there to make fun of the show, or so I hope.
Geek Love reference? Literary ZING!
Do you think William Hung has developed a sense of self-awareness so that he now watches these audition episodes like we do, or do you think he sees Norberto and just goes “That guy just doesn’t have what it takes?”
I personally believe that American Idol only continues because of Simon Cowell…but Posh Spice had balls to talk back to him, and I applaud her for that. I love British people with an attitude. They’re just like us!
wait, what was posh spice doing here??? what happened to ellen? what did i miss, i was sleeping.