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Last night, ABC premiered a new dating show called Conveyor Belt of Love. According to ABC’s website, it was a one hour special, so maybe this was a one time event? Or maybe they were testing it out and depending on how well the show does they’re going to bring it back on MySpace and cell phones? I have no idea how TV works anymore. The premise of Conveyor Belt of Love is simple enough: four single women sit in chairs purchased at Target on a raised dais made of plywood, as men are dragged in front of their view on a CONVEYOR BELT and given 60 seconds to make their case for why they are a special snowflake that deserves a special snowflake date. If more than one woman is interested in a man (the women hold paddles that read “interested” on one side and “not interested” on the other side) then the “tables turn” (actual rule on the show) and the guys get to ask the ladies questions before making their choice of which lady to date, possibly, if they don’t get eliminated on the next go-round of the OL’ CONVEYOR BELT. At the end of the episode, the ladies and the surviving men go on dates, reality TV show style. And that is a show. Now you’re cooking with a show.
I’m pretty sure the marketing campaign at the upfronts last May was “conveyor belts haven’t been this exciting since Henry Ford revolutionized the industrial production complex!” Seriously, it is 2010, and we are still fascinated by watching things SLIDE AROUND LATERALLY. The thing is, once you get over the novelty of using a conveyor belt to present men like they’re all-you-can-eat-novelty-sushi, what we’re left with is another sad depiction of the depressing state of normative reality TV concepts of “love.”
For one thing, the guys were pretty carefully selected to fall into one of two archetypal reality TV categories:
- “Hot”
- Schadenfreude
Let me demonstrate:
The only thing that was really “interesting” about the show was watching adults try to sell themselves. Remember, these are human beings, many of whom have lived in a world of human beings for as many as 30+ years, and these are the ways not only that they choose to reductively represent themselves, but also the ways in which they think they will be attractive to others:
Like, the guy who was basically Jim Cramer from Mad Money who came out wearing a silk boxing cape with a dollar sign emblazoned on the back and then proceeded to do magic tricks? We should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy, but we should recognize when those things are going to make everyone else the opposite of happy. You know? PRO-TIP: unless you are Jim Cramer, you should avoid being like Jim Cramer, magic aside.
Not that the “hot”/schadenfreude didactic always worked. Sometimes the ladies, in their desperation to not end up the only one at the end of CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE (actual name of “show”) without a man standing in her “box” (no pun, but also this show was called Conveyor Belt of Love, so let’s not take things too seriously!) would subvert their own desires and interests. Like, what is happening here?
I’m not trying to fit everyone into a pre-conceived box of social conformity, but COME ON, BRO! Incidentally, he gets eliminated before the end of the Conveyor Belt Portion of the Show, because duh. The only “surprise” guy who makes it through to the end is the overweight guy who does an “excellent Chris Farley impersonation” (his words), who ends up on a date with the “blonde” woman who seems to wear her panic as perfume. She was like a full season of Cougar Town in a mini-dress. She has to put a lot of product in her hair because otherwise it will be matted to her forehead with the desperation sweat of a thousand nights spent dreaming of a FUCKING HUSBAND. The fat guy seems completely overwhelmed that someone would actually pick him for a date, and the blonde girl seems completely confused why the hotter guys on the Belt weren’t attracted to her neediness and existential lack. WIN-WIN.
The only two people who could possibly have anything to do with each other once the cameras stop rolling was the insufferable Tila Tequila knock-off (as if there is another type of Tila Tequila knock-off) and the man who made his entrance wearing nothing but a Speedo and carrying his purse dog. They clearly just want to fuck each other on camera in the hopes that someone is looking to cast on FOX’s upcoming new show, Spiritually Bankrupt People Want To Fuck (on a Conveyor Belt), or whatever. Nice fedoras, BOTH OF YOU. Their love is symbolized by their dogs?
Perfect.
As far as what this show says about “love” or “modern dating,” obviously the answer is nothing. In fact, in the world of reality TV, which is emotionally retarded and intellectually stunted as a rule, I would be hard pressed (nullus) to find a show that says LESS about “love” or “modern dating” than Conveyor Belt of Love. “Modern love is all about sixty second attempts to get the good side of the paddle and then go on an unfulfilling afternoon date at a low-rent outdoor cafe surrounded by a second-tier camera crew.” No. But this show does tell us one thing about the way we live now: WE LOVE THINGS ON CONVEYOR BELTS STILL.
UPDATE: HOLD THE PRESSES, VICKI VALE! I have just been informed that Scott Schofield, the unusual “dude” in the clip above, is actually a post-op transgender performance artist? Here is his website! DID CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE JUST CHANGE THE WORLD? (No, but also that is hilarious and awesome?!)
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That’s gorgeous.
huhuhuhu!
I didn’t know Ecstasy was doing dating shows…
“I need a plus size around the clock
We can do it all night while I sex the spot.”
Also, what does “shockingly surprised” mean?
He meant to say “she was surprised by the length and girth of my shock.” Good to see Smoove B still puttin in work.
Plus size is happening!
Agree that the use of technology was embarrassing. It was like, “here let me fax you my phone number.” I wanted it to be more spacey. Like instead of a conveyor belt maybe they could have iBeamed their halogramed avatars to each other or something.
America has spoken, and they want more conveyor belt-based television.
Not interested.
This is nearly making me weep, but I am not sure if the tears would be from joy, sorrow, or extreme surprise that they missed a key opportunity to make a show based on the classic ballad, Love in an Elevator.
wow. my comment was completely ruined by the update that Scott wasn’t always a dude. Still, he’s pretty cute and dresses lovely. You said post-op right? Interested!
Seriously, Scott Schofield, you are awesome. And you look like just my friend who was born male (except he’s a little taller and has a skinny guy beer gut).
I think he’s cute.
“I spend most of my time out, teaching colleges and universities…”
“NOT INTERESTED!”
I’m stunned that Tila Tequila knock-off would have no interest in higher education. Of course, other than Barnyard Animal Genital Ingestion Studies .
Starts writing “Escalator of Self Loathing”. Makes 20 million dollars. Retires.
That would make a great sequel to Conveyor Belt of Love. And I guess the sequal to that sequel is the Elevator of Divorce?
“MONOS Y MONAS PRODUCEN MONITOS HASTA HOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Hold the presses! (Part 2): The vaguely dreamy Hawai’ian guy who played the ukulele has done gay porn. I’d find a link but I’m at work.
Yeah, I’m not sure what this says about me, but I recognized the guy in the Native American headdress (what…?) from an episode of True Life. And not even a good episode. But at least I didn’t recognize him from porn, I guess.
Ain’t no shame in my game, son!
“Modern love is all about sixty second attempts to get the good side of the paddle and then go on an unfulfilling afternoon date at a low-rent outdoor cafe surrounded by a second-tier camera crew.” is gabe speak for “I am still virgin”
Here in Holland there was a show on tv where they were searching for a new ‘star’ and all the girls came by on a conveyer belt. I’m not sure what my point is.. but I just wanted to tell you all about it.
I don’t think schadenfruede is the right word for the Not Hot Guys. I usually take mad pleasure in the misery of others. But in this case, especially with Accordion Guy and especially Bad Sean Connery Impression Guy, I was not happy to see them humiliate themselves in front of four hags they shouldn’t be interested in anyway. I don’t like to be embarrassed for people!
Mandell should have played up how good his Tim Meadows impersonation is.
That was the best part of the show. I was dying for him to just say the phrase “ladies man”
Not only is Keiko a Tila Tequila knock-off, but she is a scientifically perfect mix between Tila Tequila and Lucy Liu. Look at those eyes! Give those eyes back to Lucy Liu, girl, come on!
The guy doing the poem sounds exactly like Tim Meadows’ Ladies Man. Also when the Ladies Man showed his penis, everyone would be shockingly surprised.
Didn?t Mr. Show already do a sketch like this? (Mr. Show already did a sketch like this.) Bonus: Mandell sounds like David Cross?s character in the sketch.
Here’s how that link to the tubes was supposed to work. Always be previewing.
I’d watch this if the losers kept coming around again and again like luggage that hasn’t been picked up at the airport.
This is a real thing?
I for one approve making these glorious strides towards greater objectification of men.
YES, the dog symbolizes love and fidelity, obvs.
Is this just everyone’s way of saying they want me to post my 10th grade essay about Jan van Eyck’s “Arnolfini’s Marriage”? Because if so, I need to talk to someone with a disk drive.
I’m guessing if you are a woman on one of these “reality” “love” “shows,” you have enough room in your box for a man to stand in. Because your vaginae are huge from lots of previous sex.
Late addition, but I just watched and realized Jen is in the documentary “Confessions of a Superhero”. She was Wonder Woman, no wonder she likes nerds?
yikes, gabe, maybe take it easy with the quotes around “dude”, dude.