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This will be the last I complain for the day about the logistical nightmare that my life has become. Seriously, these guys know what I’m talking about:
So, I can’t really do last night’s episode of Jersey Shore the justice that it deserves. Summer bummer. But we can still talk about it. But before we talk about it, can we talk about what a week it has been? Right? I mean, from the very first episode, Jersey Shore was everywhere, but the last week has really been something special. If you look up “phenomenon” in the dictionary there’s a picture of The Situation saying “Fenomawhattaboutit?” The cast has appeared on awards shows, and every single late night talk show. There has been a protest. Sort of. I mean, that was not a very good protest. But, you know. Last night, I was talking with some friends, and we were trying to think of the next most recent example of reality stars becoming this “famous” this quickly, and the closest we could come was William Hung, but even that doesn’t seem quite right. New breed.
Anyway, last night, so there was this:
(via Dlisted) Yiiiiikes. “What, you don’t like to dance?” Snoako likes to be the center of attention, and she knows that if she goes somewhere virtually empty except for a few red-faced alcoholics, she can stay in the spotlight for upwards of two hours by flashing her vagina repeatedly. Girl is the General Patton of the dance floor. Nothing but guts and strategic genius.
Just in general, before we even get to the MYSTERY of what happened at the bar, Snooki was pretty stand-out in last night’s episode. Like, when she kept calling that guy Russ Ron, and when she could not find her house and spent the night on the beach, and when her mom came to visit and she said “I just love that girl.” That girl? That is your mom, and that is hilarious. Then, of course, SOMETHING HAPPENED, but we may never know what it was.
Last night was the first very real instance we saw of genuine, aggressively-douchey behavior on the part of the guys when Pauly and The Situation were about to bring two girls home, but then ditched them for two more girls, but then double-ditched them for the first girls, and then kept talking about one of the girls as an unworkable, intolerable “grenade.” I’m not saying that the boys on Jersey Shore have been role models of class and sophistication until now, but their efforts to pound it all out last night were next level. I think that the producers were very careful in the first few episodes to make everyone look endearing. A little stoopid, and definitely caricatures intended for derision, but somewhat lovable. And now that we are sucked in (and we are all sucked in) we will slowly be shown a somewhat less pleasant side. The series has been relatively devoid of deep misogyny and/or violence until now. Enter phase two.
I don’t even really want to talk about Jwoww and her boyfriend, and the fact that she cheated on him on the second night in the house, but now is pretending like there’s some kind of special and important honesty in calling him constantly and trying to guilt trip him into taking her back because she’s nervous that the black and encompassing lack of any kind of purpose or self-worth at the core of her being will continue to engulf her until she is lost and alone completely and forever. But I will say that the “duck phone” makes that whole scenario somewhat more hilarious, and brava to the set designer who chose that fucking duck phone. Quack-quack.
But OK, so, I think something happened to Snooki, but it’s very hard to tell. SARCASM! Last night’s episode was the infamous “punch” episode, but now the punch has been removed. As if MTV did not exploit that punch to the FULLLLLLLLESST. And while even the simple suggestion of now pulling the punch after the fact is insulting and disingenuous, the way they actually did it was even worse.
UGH. I mean, nice disclaimer, I’m sure. Victims of violence should be aware that there are resources in the world for making them feel safer and less alone. But COME ON. That blackout screen? Fuck you, MTV. Next week they show Sooki begging people to reassure her that she isn’t MISSING ANY TEETH. I’m not saying that I want to see Sooki get punched in the face, I am saying that I HAVE ALREADY SEEN SOOKI GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE. So let us not pretend, because somehow that makes the whole thing even more upsetting and gross. MTV’s last-minute grasp for the moral highground through revisionist history and too-little-too-late public service announcements feels like a HATE CRIME.
I hope that MTV gets hit by a bus.
Afterwards I would be like “violence against television networks in any form is a crime” so that would make it all OK.
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From that picture I thought Snooki was one of the children from Slumdog Millionaire. Then I thought ‘THIS IS NOT WHAT DANNY BOYLE INTENDED!!!”
Wouldn’t if be fantastic if people got so irritated about not getting to see Snooki get snookied in the face that they punched whoever was with them? Your plan backfired, MTV!
Ps by fantastic I mean just horrible and don’t ever hit women because we have mace.
And by mace I mean feelings.
helluva lot of metaphors for one comment
“get snookied” = I’m gonna use that in a conversation sometime today
Huh? “Get Snickered?” “Get Snackabled?” Whatever it was you said.
“Pay it Backward”
I’m not gonna lie…after seeing snickerdoodle on the floor crying from pain/fear of being PUNCHED IN THE FACE by a grown man, I felt bad about watching the infamous .gif for a cumulative 30 minutes throughout the past week…
“Yeah, we smooshed.”
- engraving on Ronnie and Sam’s 50th anniversary party ice sculpture
I hope you are talkin’ 50 Day Anniversary… They hardly made it 50 hours.
Their’s is a love that will outshine the very stars in the sky, to the end of time and back. Or until Labor Day. Whichever comes first.
Was that the African Anteater Ritual?
hey my dad does that same dance sometimes.
I didn’t watch this, so someone will have to enlighten me. Did he hit her so hard that her pants came off? Because it looks like she’s just wearing underwear and a sweater.
Well it definitely knocked her Ed Hardy hat off.
Smushed is the new pounded out.
By season 3 the entire show will be blacked out and just have a string of disclaimers.
Daamn, did he actually hit her so hard that her hat flew off? And what did she say anyways?
she said, “I am a woman and I deserve to be punched because I am a woman and you are a man.”
Good point, i didn’t see the show What provoked him?
She said she was sorry that she put his favorite shirt in the washing machine even though he WANTED TO WEAR IT.
was anyone else shocked by how NORMAL Snooki’s mom appeared to be? she was like my mom! I’m also not sure that she reciprocates Snooki’s feelings towards her.
That was my favorite part. It looked like the mom was sitting on that chairlift thinking to herself…”you love me? You tell me everything? I’m your girl? Before you came here, you never told me anything and we fought every day. I didn’t even agree with you coming here, you ran away!”
I went ahead and made a new gif of “the incident” since MTV would surely disapprove of our http://www.disrepectful.org use of the previous one. However in doing so, I couldn’t help but notice something.
Enhance. ENHANCE.
Is there really any better way to express the look of shock than with the use of a straw? No, there is not. MYSTERY SOLVED.
Your avatar hypnotized me into upvoting this post fail. The pumpkinhead strikes again.
I know, right? That pumpkinhead could make me do Anything. Except punching Snooki in the face, now that I know it’s disrespectful to women.
Ugh sorry, unintentional consequence of not understanding how to use machines.
Yes, if it weren’t for Pumpkinhead, I’d have already been kicked out of the Wertrew School of Gif Design and List Making. Pumpkinhead is basically my well-connected, rich alumni father. He may be gone, but his soul is still dancing.
I went ahead and made a new gif of “the incident” since MTV would surely disapprove of our http://www.disrepectful.org use of the previous one. However in doing so, I couldn’t help but notice something.
Enhance. ENHANCE.
Is there really any better way to express the look of shock than with the use of a straw? No, there is not. MYSTERY SOLVED.
It’s true; plus they yield extremely localized spit-takes.
What if he wants to drink my milkshake? – that guy
I want to learn more about HACKING just so I can upvote this comment ))<>((.
I swear I formatted that right…but maybe I missed a comment thread about this from a while back? Downvote, downvote…
i like that one of snooki’s roommates was “proud” of her dancing. i know that when my friend’s crotch falls out on the dancefloor, i am overwhelmed with pride… that is unless i’m busy fighting back the beat.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE EPISODE:
Immediately after beginning to hook up with her under the tent-style sheet, The Situation is trying to get his girl to not leave, and her friend is all wanting to leave (THE GRENADE) and Mike…turns his head, says “Pauly can you walk this girl downstairs?”
So…Pauly was just laying there, feigning sleep, watching and listening to Mike rub his scent glands on that poor dumb drunk girl. Perfection.
What about when the four of them (Situation, Pauly, the grenade, and the girl who looked vaguely similar to the Summer Heights High character) were walking up to the jacuzzi, and Pauly straight Houdinied his way back to his bedroom? Ya burnt, grenade.
MTV’s faux-morality makes me so mad that I might knock someone up. (Also, Freckles McGee?!)
It used to be Adam West would hit someone and it just said, “BIFF!” but NOW you get this thing, play the thing.. This thing telling you to go to some website… Do you remember how it felt? Do you remember what life was like?
While it was sad to see Situation (I’m a grown ass man calling another man ‘Situation’, I feel like a Cedric the Entertainer bit) and Pauly take a turn towards douche, they are still light years better at respecting women than 80% of the guys on Real World or any of the RW/RR Challenges who regularly berate women to tears and call them bitches, dumb bitches, and dumb bitch whores.
Those women need to respect themselves and the guidos will follow suit. Phil “the Docter” told me that
Anyone disappointed by Sitch and DJ Paulie’s recent character arc might want to sit down with themselves and have a pretty serious heart-to-own-heart about setting realistic expectations.
hey, also, did anyone sit through the grenade scene feeling so sad for the grenade, as she probably told everyone she knows she’d be on this show, but had no clue what was being said about her in the confession booth or wherever these guys go to record their deep thoughts?
Definitely. We said the same thing. It was like “poor Grenade,” (but also poor grenade’s parents, grenade’s elementary school teachers, and grenade’s former boyfriends).
…but i guess that can be said about anyone on this show that doesn’t have a blurry face.
Russ is a genius spy. Everyone thought his name was Ron which was very 007 of him.
Also, did anyone read The Situation’s live tweeting the show? It was hilarious.
Thirdly, Freckles McGee was TV magic.
I think the cast of Jersey Shore could benefit from watching a little Caged Wisdom.
Can they just turn this into the Snookie/ Paulie D/ The Situation Show and kill off the rest of the cast? (As in show kill, not actual real life murder)
Having to watch Sammi and juice head Ronnie fight and engage in some make up “smushing” isn’t really doing it for me. The Jwoww and her bf storyline is also boring and Vinny hasn’t done nearly as much fist pumping as he promised.
To make this episode even more annoying, it was titled “fade to black.” No Jersey Shore, you are not The Sopranos, just no.
In response to Patrick M’s idea
Hilarious…there is nothing better than busting out MS-Paint…and then nailing it!