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I’m not going to lie, I laughed through most of this story. HOW ELSE WAS I TO KEEP FROM CRYING? Obviously, I am glad that Hayden Wright is OK, and that “he wants to get in trouble and go to jail because that’s where his daddy is” was not prematurely etched onto any tombstones. But you have to admit that the image of a drunk four-year-old child drinking a beer while wearing a brown dress that he stole from under a neighbor little girl’s Christmas tree before wandering the streets alone in the middle of the night, is mostly incredible. It’s like The Hangover, but emotionally and physically underdeveloped. And seriously fucking depressing. (Via MattTobey.)
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I initially read this as, “…a drunk four-year-old child drinking a beer that he stole from under a neighbor little girl’s Christmas tree…” and I wanted to know more about the neighbor little girl.
That poor little kid. Is 4 years old too young for therapy?
Sad bear is sad.
Hayden only drinks his Bud Light COLD.
This was broadcast on the Onion News Network, right?
Really, they seriously couldn’t find better pictures of that kid? No glamor shots? No pre-school photographs, or happy shots of him smiling on Mommy’s lap, full of promise, with his entire life ahead of him? Those pics make him look like he’s already been beaten and worn down by life’s inevitable disappointments, like the rest of us. STAY GOLD, PONYBOY!
Those pics make him look like he’s been drunk prior to this incident.
the real wtf to this story is the guy who answered his doorbell, saw a 4 yr old drinking a brew and was just all “carry on little dude, carry on.” i’m pretty sure the good citizen thing to do there is to let him in your house, take the beer and call the cops.
Citizens Arrest!
Please clarify if this is an Andy Griffith reference so I know whether to upvote you or downvote you.
The right Honorable Mayberry Constabulary planted the seed, but iantenna made it rain.
right. and then Chris Hansen shows up. no thank you.
“In what may be the strangest story we’ve ever covered, even when you take into account that one Christmas where that little boy woke up early to take a peek at his Christmas gifts, only to burn down the tree, hide the presents, and claim it was a burglary, and then have the entire town rally together to give the family $15,000 dollars to buy new gifts, only to find out that the boy was lying, and the family already spent the money on a new car, which they destroyed, and so then the entire town just took stuff from their home to replace the money they had donated. Oh wait, that was an episode of The Simpsons. ”
“Next up: The local orphanage needs a new wall.”
You forgot the one where that little boy stole Killstorm 2(… I think that’s it) and than he gets caught and no one likes him but THAN he buys a picture frame with him in it and gives it to his Mom. Merry Christmas!
It’s Bonestorm. Obviously, I am judging you based on your knowledge of classic Simpsons lore.
I love how the mom basically says “I’m trying the best I can”. What must this kid’s life be like on the days when she’s “not trying quite as hard as I should”.
Still, funny story. And c’mon, it was only a Bud Light for Christmas sake…
Holy rebel without a cause! Kid’s the next James Dean, I’m tellin’ ya.
This looks like it has all the makings of a hot country hit, “Following in the Footsteps of Daddy”. You don’t even have to write any lyrics. They’re all here.
It also sounded for a second like they were taking the “following in the footsteps” thing literally. I was expecting “Hayden’s father used to drink at this very playground.”
Also Hayden gets mad pissed if his chili is TOO GODDAMNED SPICY
A partially-DRUNK beer, not a partially-drank beer.
Your a drunken, cross-dressing, 4 year old…Mr.Grinch!
“Boys will be boys.” –
my MomEveryman’s Mom“Bad Boys will be Bad Boyz 2 for life.” – Hollywood
Shit just got real…
i’m trying really hard to restrain myself from making a crack about april’s hairdo. it is very, very chatanooga.
That poor kid was going to get a brown dress for Christmas? Those parents make me sick
The real crime is that the surprise is now ruined. Thanks a lot Hayden!
Latarian Milton just got served!!
Parents who get shitfaced, break into their neighbor’s house to steal Christmas presents and stumble home in the middle of the night while wearing a dress have children who get shitfaced, break into their neighbor’s house to steal Christmas presents and stumble home in the middle of the night while wearing a dress.
They learn it by watching you.
Man, he really took the news about Wild Hogs 2 hard.
I really hope it was intentional for the headline to be “Steals Christmas” instead of “Steals Christmas Presents.” It warms the heart (into flames? sad flames? flames of tears?) to know that a 4-year-old crossdressing drunk holds the power to steal all of the Christmas.
Local news 101: Was the beer COLD? That’s what I was wondering the entire time, and they shoe-horn it in half-way through? Let’s get some reverse pyramid happening, people! That B-roll guy deserves and Oscar though; look at those Lady Macbeth hands! Wringing/rubbing themselves with GUILT.
He obviously is not getting enough presents at home. He’s taking the initiative, give the kid some credit!
It’s just tradition.
To be fair, the kid is not a master thief or anything. Folks left their front door open, what else is a cool 4 year old supposed to do?
I love that this was the lead story on the news that night.
I don’t want to live in a world where this wouldn’t be the lead news.
At first I thought this would be a clip from Nick News with Linda Ellerbee. Because that news lady looks kinda like she could be a child (the tiny little kind with undeveloped hands and feet).
And back to you, GROWN-UPS!
LOLOLOL
There are so many things about this story that don’t make any sense at all. Like why was the kid awake at 1 in the morning? And how was he able to drink half of a beer? One sip would have turned him off of it right away, I’m pretty sure. How did he break the door thingy, why did the first neighbor just let a drunken child wander off into the night, AND SO MANY MORE QUESTIONS!
What was wrong with that neighbor, anyway? “No comment”, my ass! Don’t you want to be on television? “I’m obviously very embarrassed, which is why I’m consenting to a TV interview spotlighting my half-assed parenting. When is this gonna be on?” She was smart, though, in that she didn’t have her kid there on camera with her, like some other puking, truth-telling children we could mention.
My pug drank an entire cup of Bailey’s I accidentally left on the night stand last week (no lie.) I found her wandering the streets in my leopard-print Snuggie (MY PARENTS BOUGHT IT FOR ME BECAUSE THEY KNOW THE THINGS THAT I LIKE.)
Srsly, pug was trashed, had to get her an IV flush SO that was a $152 cup of Bailey’s. I wonder how much we can call the cost of that beer, considering the news crew, cops, his future embarrassment…
Was it DESIGNER leopard? To match the new Necky they’ll be getting you for Christmas?
One can only hope… (or know. What I’m getting for xmas this year. HINT: IT’S A FUCKING LEOPARD-PRINT NECKY)
i get nervous when idiocracy begins to look less like an enjoyable throw-away movie and more like a prophecy.
Bud Light, the preferred beer of cross dressing 4 year olds with daddy issues.
Does nobody care why these hillbillies had their presents out fukking 8 days before Christmas???
This shit sounds like their fault, not his fault.
if ‘babies’ is anything like this it’s going to be great.
You know what she really wanted to say was “I was mostly concerned about the crossdressing really”.
“these things happen.” – that bad mom
do they, bad mom? do they really? i am not sure that this can be covered with that platitude.