I’m sorry to interrupt our normal routine of trampoline accidents and clips from last night’s Who’s Going To Kiss My Mom with CELEBRITY GOSSIP, but it concerns Hugh Laurie, who is on a television show, so it’s within my jurisdiction, and moreover, it concerns something called the Burger King Gold Card, so it is IMPORTANT. From the Times Online:

“[Being famous means that] you can get a table in a restaurant,” [Hugh Laurie] muses. “But then you’ve got to go past a line of people who can’t get a table – and that’s a bad feeling.” But he goes on inadvertently to blow the lid off what will, surely, become one of the big media talking-points of the year. “I’ve [been given] a Burger King Gold Card,” he said casually – an invention of which Celebrity Watch was previously wholly unaware, yet is now instantly consumed by the concept of.

Nugatory Google research reveals that the American chatshow host Jay Leno is also in possession of this Burger King Gold Card, and that possession of said card entitles one to an almost limitless supply of free burgers. But after that small snippet, nothing. No one else will speak of it – it is as though some manner of celebrity burger omertà has been declared.

Excuse me, but whuuuuuuut?

I used to be friends with this guy named Mike who used to live in LA where he worked as a bartender, and he claimed that one night he was cleaning up the bar after closing and he went upstairs to where they had a private room for parties and when he walked in there was a girl laying naked across the pool table and some guy was fucking her with the thick end of a pool cue, but more importantly Matthew Perry was standing three feet away from her having a casual conversation with a friend and not even paying attention to the insane violation happening nearby. When I heard that story I thought, “You know, celebrities really do live in a world that we civilians can’t understand,” but that was BEFORE I heard about THE BURGER KING GOLD CARD. Not caring that some girl is getting fucked with a pool cue because you and your friend are deep into a conversation about last night’s episode of Gilmore Girls (Mike witnessed this in 2002) is as relatable as apple pie compared to a card that gives you free Whoppers for life. No wonder so many famous people lose touch with reality and end up sliding into a personal hell of self-destructive behavior and narcissistic alienation, Whoppers are delicious.