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I mentioned earlier this week that it seems like Bruce Banner has developed some real rage issues since I was a kid. He gets so mad about every little thing. Motherfucker can’t even ride the subway, which MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DO EVERY DAY WITHOUT MURDERING. Calm down, you stupid jerk. If I was friends with Bruce Banner I would never invite him to any of the many parties people are always inviting me to because I have lots of friends don’t worry about it. Bruce Banner would be like “What’s happening this weekend?” and I would be like, “I’m probably just going to stay in, I don’t feel that well,” and he’d be like “I feel like you’re ignoring me and don’t have enough respect for our friendship NOW I’M A MURDEROUS BEAST RAAARR,” and I’d be like, “This is why you are always getting deFriendstered.”
But then I realized that maybe it’s not him. Maybe it’s just the culture at large.
People from earlier generations, say those who lived through the Depression or fought in World War II, had a healthy respect for what mattered in life. They knew, for lack of a better expression, not to sweat the small stuff. There are more important things in life than worrying about a traffic jam, like bullets flying at your head or using orange peels for toilet paper, or whatever, I’m not a historical scientist. The point is that our generation went through the relatively peaceful ’80s and ’90s, a lukewarm period of existential unrest rooted in the frustrations of a life of ease coming up against nominal inconveniences. And now we have terror, which everyone is really scared of, so there’s all this tension with nowhere to put it, so we vent into the boring disappointments of our otherwise placid lives (apologies to my Darfur readers if this seems unrelatable.)
I’ve got a whole list of stupid, unimportant things that make me so angry that if I could I would explode out of my perfectly good shirt, and shred the cuffs of my jeans, and just CRUSH THE WORLD.
- Chunky-heeled flip flops.
- MySpace’s design aesthetic.
- Senses of entitlement that are not my own.
- Having to return something I bought to a store because either it doesn’t work, or because i decided later that I didn’t like it.
- Bluetooth.
- When foods touch each other on the plate.
- Slow elevators.
- People who when you bump into each other don’t also say “excuse me” even though it’s both your faults.
- White chocolate.
I’m sure all those people who have given their lives defending my freedom would be honored to see that my priorities are in order. What are your unreasonable and inconsequential Hulk triggers?
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Al Roker
Pontiac Azteks
people who stop in front of an exit/top of the stairs/IN FRONT OF REVOLVING DOORS.
i just intentionally walk into those people and then don’t say “excuse me”.
justice. has. been. served.
one-ply toilet paper
fake M&Ms
People who applaud at the end of movies.
THE WORST.
People who applaude after the plane lands (after a trip without incident)
At the end of Jarhead, at least 3 people yelled out “hooah” then everyone clapped. I wanted to throw up.
People who leave their shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot or in parking spaces. Extra rage for the fools who leave the carts in the space adjacent to the cart corral. I’m pretty lazy, but I at least try to limit my laziness to things that only affect me.
Also people who drive slow in the left lane.
Man, I could go on for days…I have so much rage!
People who DON’T applaud at the end of movies.
Canal Street
The red bags from the American Girl store and having to walk among them.
haterade
Tim Russ…oh shit
Take it easy.
People who applaud when the flight touches down on the runway.
Passengers on flights to Las Vegas. Just kidding. All passengers.
pitchfork.com
People who walk in to the middle of a movie and say, “What’s going on?” and then after the movie that they caught the last 20 minutes of, they say, “That was depressing/boring/weird.”
This has caused rifts in once tight friendships for me.
videogum.com
• Busses.
• People who don’t use the shift key to capitalize anything they write.
• When someone sneezes loudly, because it takes absolutely no effort at all to suppress it.
• Quirky glasses frames.
• Mustard.
People who clip their fingernails on the train.
.Gum/food smackers
.Loud breathers
.Loud cell phone talkers
A cute guy wearing a thumb ring