When the season finale of Top Chef started last night, I realized something: Lisa made it. We can talk about how her face looks like it got run over by a bagel truck, or how she’s the grouchiest grouchstress of grouchistan, but the fact of the matter is she made it to the final three, and good for her. You have to give it up. You don’t have to root for her to win (not that anyone was), but you do have to acknowledge that she is a pretty good cook and a smart competitor. So, we’re down to Lisa, Captain Blaise of the S.S. Sous Vide, and Stephanie.

The show opens at breakfast in Puerto Rico and I know I just got finished telling everyone to lay off Lisa and let her compete, but Jesus, Lisa, what happened? It looks like Batman pushed her into a vat of sadness and no amount of surgery could repair the damage. And Richard looks like a pile of dirty laundry. Richard smells his eggs. A lot. Fair enough, I heard that when Daniel Boulod goes to the iHop he brings his own artisanal whipping cream.

For their final meal, the three remaining chefs will be paired up with sous chefs who are all famous in their own right: Eric Ripert (Le Bernardin), April Bloomfield (The Spotted Pig), and Dan Barber (Blue Hill).

Each of the famous sous chefs also comes with his or her own selection of proteins. This part is actually bullshit because when they get to April Bloomfield and her dish of delicious foods, the music goes all ominous, like fuck you if you get April Bloomfield. It’s all foreshadowing for how Lisa gets paired with April Bloomfield and her bullshit tray of what are apparently the stupidest fucking proteins. Since Richard and Stephanie are tied with the most Elimination Challenge wins, it’s a toss up for who will draw a knife to see who goes first. Richard, who is a gentleman first and a man with a lesbian haircut second, allows Stephanie to draw her knife. She gets number 1. Stephanie picks Eric Ripert, and Richard gets Dan Barber. Good luck with those caraquet oysters, Lisa. Caraquet oysters, don’t make me laugh. Your proteins are pathetic.

The chefs have to prepare a “traditional” menu, going from fish to poultry to meat to dessert. Stephanie didn’t know they were going to have to make dessert. Death by chocolate suspense! I’m with Stephanie, though, that the dessert course is unrealistic because I promise you that Eric Ripert, Dan Barber and April Bloomfield aren’t making dessert in their kitchens. They have pastry chefs for that, because you know what they say, “Forget it, Jake, it’s Clowntown.”

The first day in the kitchen is convivial and fun. Look at all the famous chefs forced to do manual labor. The nicest moment of the show comes when Blaise brings out his liquid nitrogen and starts making Tabasco sauce ice cream or some shit, and all the famous chefs are like “what?” and he’s like THIS IS BLAISE’S HOUSE.

Blaise is right, it is pretty fucking cool. You guys, Top Chef has taught me two things:

1. you should never stop learning as a chef
2. and you should never get stuck with April Bloomfield, I can’t stress this enough. The woman has the wackest tray of proteins.

Long story short, they all make pretty strong menus, even Lisa “Whoops That’s My Face” Fernandes. Stephanie nails her fish course and her meat course. Lisa nails her poultry course and her dessert. The Blaise looks like he is in trouble, which has been the prediction all along, that he would easily make it to the finals and then totally flame out. The man is simply too talented. At judge’s table, he says that he feels like he failed, and Gail Simmons is like “I’m totally shocked by what Richard just said.” Right. So shocking. I keep forgetting that this is Top Chef and not Top Being Honest To Yourself And Others.

So, SPOILER ALERT, Stephanie wins. Which is great. She deserves it. Good for her. I just have a couple final thoughts for the two who didn’t make it all the way. To Richard I say chin up, little champion. This is what I think of you, Richard:

And to Lisa I say:

Just kidding. I don’t want Lisa to get hit by two cars. One car should be more than enough. She was such a sore loser, and she’s racist against poor people. I take back everything I said at the beginning of this post. She didn’t deserve to be in the final three. TEAM DALE FOREVER.