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A couple of weeks ago, we learned about the plot of the upcoming Monopoly: The Movie, which as you may recall, is going to be CRAMAZING. A dude gets in an argument with his friends over a girl (very important plot point, btw) and wakes up the next morning in Monopoly Town, and has to buy coffee using Monopoly Money! Pretty powerful Iraq War parable if you think about it. Also: evil Parker Brothers who are actually brothers? And are the mayors of Monopoly town? I don’t know. You can’t know. I feel very confident saying that no one working on that project has any idea what they are talking about, so how am I supposed to?
Well look out, that insane movie based on a board game, because here comes some news about a potentially EVEN MORE INSANE movie based on A DIFFERENT BOARD GAME.
So, movie website CHUD went to a press junket with Peter Berg, who is directing Battleship: The Movie, and who supposedly wanted to get some details about the movie out to curb rampant internet speculation. Uh, sure, I guess, except THESE DETAILS ARE BONKERS!
Oh, just to give you some important background information to help you decode what exactly Peter Berg is talking about: the movie is going to feature ALIENS. Because of course it is.
- The alien race is known as The Regents. They will be a combo of actors and CGI; Berg used Davey Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean as a reference point.
- The aliens aren’t on Earth to take over or destroy us. They’re trying to build something because they’re in trouble, and they need a power source. But they will kill anything that gets in their way [ed. note: DUH!].
- The Regents don’t have super technology. Their weapons are ballistics-based. While their boats are inserted into Earth’s atmosphere through flight, once they get to the water they stay on the water. [Ed note: "their boats"? Alien boats!]
- We’ll get to know The Regents. [Ed. note:
!]
- While the movie is set in the modern day and features the most cutting edge naval tech, a WWII element comes into play.
- Aspects of the game will be in the movie. As you know, the whole point of Battleship is guessing where your enemy has his ships, and sinking them. The Regents will in some way render the Navy’s high tech inoperable. Falling back on old school methods, our heroes must track and destroy the alien fleet with whatever tools they have, including trial and error. Just like in the game. [Ed. note: just like in the game! It will literally FEEL like you are watching a game of Battleship, in real time.]
- This is more strategic warfare. Again, since the alien tech is not unbeatable or far beyond our own, and since Berg wants to reflect the game, the battle won’t be about our Navy fighting an unstoppable opponent but rather about two evenly matched groups out-thinking one another through strategy.
- Someone will say ‘You sank my battleship!’ in the movie. [Ed. note: SPOILER ALERT!]
- Expect Battleship in IMAX. And Berg is also thinking about shooting some sequences in 3D.
Obviously, as one of the co-creators of Friday Night Lights, Peter Berg has earned a “free pass,” and it looks like he is going to be cashing in that pass! I love how the movie doesn’t even start filming until spring. Got 2 get tha word out!
I’m already waiting outside of the Fandango store. “OPEN! OPEN! OPEN!” (Thanks for the t, Tyler.)
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To hell with all this. I used to be the supreme Battleship pimp, until the electronic version came out and ruined my bluff-game. What I can’t wait for is “Mouse Trap’ (a McG joint) where that fucking cage that falls on you has all kinds of strippers and sparks an’ shit. America.
Dialog we can anticipate:
“Captain, the tumor? It turns out it was B9.”
“I’m grateful you told me B4 I called my wife!”
“The aliens are using C4!”
“You’ve revealed the secrete plans, Jenkins?? A2, Jenkins?!?”
“Don’t try 2B a hero, Smith. Just B1.”
Best New Party Game?
Unbeatable. Werttrew sank my BNPG N2 the depths of Davey Jones’ Locker!
Oh, yeah, and
“Frances! Where are they hosin’ him down?!?!?” – An Adult Named Pee-Wee
You’re doing it right!
Maybe we’ll get a cameo from R2D2. So sorry, guys. Bad joke about a great robot.
I think this is my all-time favorite vgum comment.
I am calling dibs on “Yahtzee, the Movie,” right here, right now. So, hands off, Michael Bay.
Ditto for Don’t Wake Daddy, the Lifetime movie. I am writing the script right now, this should take about 2 hours.
OMG. Choked on my cereal and lold like a schoolgirl…at work. Thanks for the hilarious wakeup.
Snark time – so srsly, how long til we get Stratego
Oh man! I had like three copies of that damn game. People kept getting it for me on holidays. I thought it was lame until I realized that there was a way to set up the board that was absolutely foolproof. I’ll only watch is Rowan Atkinson plays the Miner/Bomb Diffuser guy.
I’ve always been a Risk gal myself.
I’ve always been a “watch my brothers play Risk/Stratego while I wonder how they aren’t bored to tears already, because I am” kind of girl.
congratulations Peter Burg, you sunk my will to live.
Horde Strategy on Australia, for the inevitable Touch All Continents rampage/turn.
How about a movie about a sneaky sister who blocks her brothers every move…”Connect Four” Catch it…
When I get in a fist fight, I close my eyes and punch random, but never duplicated regions in the space in front of me in hopes that I will hit my opponent. MLIB
I think they need to jump on Risk: the movie now to complete the trilogy of movies on games that always end in angry towards all those playing
We’re all in the Risk movie right now. Sarah Palin is protecting North America from Kamchatka.
“Cocaine’s a hell of a drug.” – Rick James
“Doctor, doctor. It’s the patient’s funny bone, it’ll have to come out!”
“Looks like I’d better perform an . . . OPERATION.”
(Alternate comment: This Battleship movie BOGGLES my mind.)
I gotta say I’m a little curious about what the “WWII element” will be. “You grounded my U-boat!” (?)
Alien powersource is designed to power time machine, which is designed to allow the aliens to go back in time. I think we all know why they needed to go back in time.
Apparently Hitler got in their way.
Hitler has got to be in cahoots with the aliens. He HAS to.
“You sunk my Hawaiian naval outpost!”
“…a WWII element comes into play.”
Why is this sentence so ROFLing? I seriously ROFLd. How about a Payday movie? That game sucks. FINGAZ CROZD.
Whenever I read “ROFL” I always read it as “ralph”, as in barf. So you were ralphing, which made this oh so funny. For me.
…I am so alone.
Me too! Except I also kind of have the acronym meaning in my head at the same time, so really when i see ROFL in my head I read it as ‘barf on the floor laughing.’ And then I ROFL and BOFL.
rofl rofl rofl!
The Titanic was ruined by an iceberg.
Battleship will be ruined by Peter Berg.
Will it be a cheap way of saying “You sank my battleship!” Like in alien language with subtitles?
I hope they get Samuel Jackson to say it. Becuase Snakes on a Plane.
Also, Peter Berg directed Very Bad Things. FNL has brought him back up to zero as far as I’m concerned. I award this man no pass.
I mean, do they think they’ll recreate the success of Clue?
because I love Clue and that would be awesome.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088930/
Guess Who starring Mark Wahlberg as a hard-boiled Boston cop is gonna kick ass
Found picture of the alien space boats –
PRECEDENT –
I Google’d “Floating Dodge Regent” but to no avail. I guess you win.
Oh man. This is like the time my brother told me The Truman Show stole his idea because he had imagined the EXACT SAME THING: except his idea was that aliens steal a human baby and install it in a replica of Earth somewhere in space. You know: to study it.
Don’t let him see Dark City then …
Or 2001, for that matter.
I want Dennis Hopper to reprise his role from SPEED.
POP QUIZ HOT SHOT A1 or B1?
Warwick Davis is already signed to play the main red peg.
I really hope there’s lens flare.
I’m holding out for the Hungry Hungry Hippos Movie myself.
I mean, apart from the obvious ‘Battleships. Will. Sink’, I am sickened by the tagline prospects…
“Falling back on old school methods, our heroes must track and destroy the alien fleet with whatever tools they have, including trial and error.” why dont they just shoot randomly into the sky and sea?
You sunk my comment thread.
Well we already had Mineseeper: The Movie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs