Photos
OK, I take it all back. Obviously the Karate Kid remake looks great. I wonder what the sweatpants budget for this movie was. Low to high millions I’m sure. Also, I hope that Jaden Smith is wearing Heelies. This movie is going to send Heelies sales through the (bigger/higher/more-on-fire) roof! In any case, this image, one of the first released by Sony seems like a perfect opportunity for a good old fashioned Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest. The winner will get special featured placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball.
Oh, and in the event that it does need mentioning: TAKE IT EASY, GOBLINS. We are just hear to have some F.U.N. There is a big difference between the Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest and the Jeff Dunham’s Why Don’t YOU Caption It ? Contest, if you know what I mean.
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“YOU BETTER DRUMLINE!”
“Chris Tucker, don’t interrupt!”
WHAT DID I TEACH YOU?
you’re the duke of new york, a-number one?
I CAN’T HEAR YOU
You’re the Duke of New York! You’re A-Number One!
“Kid, you can’t poop here. This is a monument. There are people around.”
Name three things that are NOT Jackie Chan.
Toothbrush.
Rainbows.
Jackie Chan.
BBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!
The “Madonna arm” phenomenon has gone too far.
“…and watch out for Mongolians. You WILL get some Mongolians.”
“Jaden Smith: Do YOU understand the words that are coming out of MY mouth?!”
Scene from Karate Kid : Yo Teach!
stuff and things and people and places.
Is your mom going to get scared and be movin’ you with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air?
Poop on…poop off. Poop on…poop off
“POW!”
“Oh HELL NAW!!”
Jaden: STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY SIR.
Jackie Chan: Jaden-san, you not ready to master MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” dance. First learn foxtrot, then learn fly. Nature rule, Jaden-san, not mine.
Go! Now! Do some good karate now!
“Red sweatpants on blue sweatpants day? That’s a caning!”
do something funny for the outtakes that will run over the closing credits.
“…and then Owen took the olives off the craft services table and put one on each of his fingers and made them look like claws. I couldn’t keep a straight face. Then… Um… Jaden, I really wish you stop doing that pose every time I tell you stories about filming ‘Shanghai Knights.’ “
The moves I am teaching you were mastered over 2 Willeniums…
SHIT.
*TWO WILLENNIUMS
This is so clearly the winner. Well done.
You shouldn’t have taken the box Jaden Smith: YOU SO STU-PIIIID!
You are the best arooouuunnnd! (not the best there is, but the best in the near vicinity of this ancient monument at this present point in time)
“The Wire: The Movie…yeah, we fucked up.”
I got in one little fight and Jackie Chan got scared…
Oops! I Crapped My Pants outperformed every bladder and bowel control product on the market today. Here, I’ll show you. Imagine this pitcher of tea is really a gallon of your feces.
God dammit Memo, you made me laugh out loud in the library. The worst place to laugh out loud.
“Paint the fen… I mean wall”
He’s going to be there a while.
oof….didn’t see this i promise
When David Copperfield comes round here again, we’re gonna kick his ass!!
You must concentrate, Jaden. Do not be distracted by Ralph Macchio’s career.
“The only reason you are here is because of your father… You are a terrible squatter!”
Teaching the impenetrable “Hammer-dance” defense.
JACKIE: “It’s not ‘ya’ll’ it’s ‘YAH!’ Say it when you punch. YAH!”
JADEN: “YA’LL!”
JACKIE: “YAH!”
JADEN: “YA’LL!”
JACKIE: “You sound like a Will Smith movie or something.”
“Just the two of us, WE CAN MAKE IT IF WE TRYYYY, just the two of U-uuuuuuus….you and I”
Chan: Fear does not exist on this Wall, does it?
Jaden: NO, SENSEI!
Chan: Pain does not exist on this Wall, does it?
Jaden: NO, SENSEI!
Chan: Did you remember what I said, about how good guys wear blue Adidas sweatpants and bad guys wear red Adidas sweatpants?
Jaden: NO, SENSEI!
Sweep the leg (szechuan style)!
no? ok, here’s a gif:
“Have fun painting this fence, ass-hole”
-Jackie Chan
Jackie: If hate keeps us alive, J, then does having two of the cutest film-stars living make ethical sense? I mean, how can we as a society hate what we ought when our defenses our worn down by the bug of popular fandom?
Jaden: Well, we both mispronounce our words. Maybe folks can get behind that, y’know?
Jackie: But attitude follows action. We must hate first, before we opine.
Jaden: Yo, Jackie-o. Coffee hour is over. Remember what my mom said. No existential discussions while I work. It’s bad for conveying my sense of undisturbed potential.
Jackie: But this stick has that same potential, you know? I am this stick.
Jaden: *muttering* Stupid stick.
Now Thrust, Kick, step, pivot, hands-UP, round it out, round it out, round it out -STOP –
And POSE!
here’s the poster for the karate kid reboot 2…
*SPOILER ALERT*
Kick
Punch
Block
It’s all in the mind…
If you wanna test me, I?m sure you?ll find
The things I?ll teach ya is sure to beat ya
But nevertheless you?ll get a lesson from teacher
NOW KICK!
(KICK!)
Jackie Chan: What is your mission, Jaden-son?!
Jaden: Sensei, it is to defeat the Scientologists who have taken my father and reclaim my family’s honor!
Jackie Chan: Then squat harder!
“Cash on, integrity off. Cash on, integrity off. Good … good.”
We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our tradition in the spirit of our ancestors. You have our gratitude.
“Don’t worry, kid…just like the fence-painting and car-waxing, riding the imaginary horse all the way down the Great Wall will amount to something kick-ass. Trust me.”
Wax on, wiggity wiggity wax off.
It’s the worst … around … no one’s gonna see this movie now …
To master kung fu, one must open their heart and loosen their cornrows.
“Your so-called kung-fu – is really – quite pathetic. So my pathetic friend… is there anything that you can do well?”
“Not fair, Pat Morita had Ralph Macchio and I get the kid from the Boondocks”
-Jackie Chan
“Hilary who? Swank? LOL.”
“What are Heelies?”
“Motion of the ocean, Jaden. It’s definitely motion of the ocean.”
Wait, which one of them is the vampire?
“Master says I have to do ten thousand squat thrusts and five thousand one-inch punches a day. Something about all of the werewolves and vampires I will have to fight. MLIT”
Karate Kid 2010: Now with 100% more black people
“….after training at the Peking Opera School as a child, I went on to found The Jackie Chan Stunt Team, acted in over a 100 movies (directing 10 of them), and recorded music in Cantonese, Mandarin, Japanese, Taiwanese and English….I’m sorry…what did you say your Dad did again? Got you a part in this movie or something?”
“Hilary Swank wins oscars. I can win oscars. Focus.”
“Better learn nepotism. Nepotism is key. Nepotism good, karate good. Everything good. Nepotism bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?”
Jackie Chan prepares Jaden Smith for his Karate Kid role by having him chop every brick from the Great Wall in half.
I took you all the way to the Great Wall of China to teach you a valuable lesson about trusting strangers.
HAHAHA FUPA
Gettin’ Jackie Wit It
Hammer Time!
“What do you MEAN you would rather run the entire distance of this Wall than watch The Spy Next Door??? Look at me before i whack you with this funny stick I’m holding!”
Not to be a party pooper and not participate in this contest….but I can’t believe that this movie is really happening.
I think this works perfectly well as a caption.
do you know any other place than the great wall of china to practice?
This isn’t Russia, Danny. Is this Russia? This isn’t Russia.
I love it!
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Now let’s go over what we do when someone attacks you with a ladder and an open umbrella and all you have to defend yourself with is scarf.
The young Blood had been careless.
He hadn’t thought to bring a weapon on his sightseeing trip, and now the Only Crip in China had him cornered. Only a miracle can save him now!
Suddenly, the solution comes to him: squat thrusts. They always said he was the best, and now was his chance to prove it. If his sqats are low enough, and his thrusts far enough, he might just earn his rival’s grudging respect and live to tell everyone back home.
Now is my time to step up, He thinks, preparing to meet his destiny, Now is my time to be the hero.
“Excellent. Great form. Speaking of great, have you seen the Jeff Dunham show?”
Sorry, I got confused and started thinking about racism.
How about: “Berry Gordy’s The Karate Kid”?
waxizzle my nizzle
Focus on the Go-gurt.
I KEEEEEL YOU!
With Tiger style out of the way, you are now you are ready to learn “Big Willie Style!”
Like Mike 3
“I’m sorry I brought you all the way out to the Great Wall, Jaden. The truth is, I don’t know anything about karate. It’s from Japan. I thought you would get that I was Chinese by now, from all these subtle hints. Let’s take five.”
sweep the leg, weezy.
“Come on, Will Smith can’t reserve the Great Wall all WEEK!”
“What exactly do the sweatpants accelerate, master?”
My contribution was terrible.
That being said, this is the most disappointing caption contest ever.
I mean, I keep on trying to work in one of vgum’s many glorious inside jokes, but nothing takes.
For example
Jackie: “Fine Jaden. I’ll download your blog as long as you promise to quit all that thrusting.”
Yuck. I am the worst.
Also, not to be all Professor Oriental Culturegum, but I don’t think that China is the place that most people go to get their karate on.
Yes, you are.
Mainly because it should be “…quit all that squat-thrusting”
P.S. Drunk and Wacthing The Last Dragon.
I mean…
“If you can catch the pig without accidentally riding it all the way back there, then you are ready!”
Not to get all Jeff Dunham or anything, but does Jackie Chan have a child-molester mustache going on there? Creeeeeepy.
Lil Bow Bow arrested for sticking gum on the great wall, sentenced to 50 lashes.
Sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called CHINA.
The one and only Mattress King