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Theater is dead, or whatever. I mean, it still exists in community productions of Our Town, and it pretends to have cultural relevance in New York and Chicago, but for the most part it is very, very dead. And not without some understandable reasons! For one, it can’t really entertain us the way that movies and television and XBOX 360s and IMAX can, in terms of sheer spectacle. Moreover, in terms of the communication of art, its attempt to reach out and create connections between fellow human beings: a) no one really wants that anymore for the most part (see: Paul Blart Mall Cop), and b) theater is often too stilted, too elitist (perceived or real), and too contrived. There is a distance between the stage and the audience, both literally and figuratively, that simply makes it a poor tool in the era of instantaneous communication and “reality” to get much work done.
But for all of theater’s obstacles and flaws, it is still way more vibrant and relevant than plays adapted into movies. Yiiiiiiiikes. “They look like normal people, but they talk like over-educated automatons!” No thanks!
Closer is based on a play by the same name, written by Patrick Marber. In the movie version, we open on Natalie Portman walking towards Jude Law on a crowded street. Jude Law is staring at her because LOVE CONNECTION. Then Natalie Portman walks into the street and gets hit by a car. Whoopsies! I think that any movie in which one of your main characters reveals themselves to be too stupid to not just get hit by a car (even if the car is a cheap plot contrivance) is going to be a stupid movie. This is categorically true. Probably.
So, Jude Law takes Natalie Portman to the hospital, but she’s basically fine. I guess she just needed to get hit by that car so that Jude Law would talk to her. This movie should have just been called Life! They walk around London for awhile, and now they are in love because CUT TO a few years later, and Jude Law has written a book about their relationship and is getting his photograph taken by Julia Roberts. NOTE: this movie jumps through time without warning. Anyway, Jude Law flirts with Julia Roberts, so now he is in love with Julia Roberts.
Natalie Portman finds out (this is all within the same 10 minutes, btw), and she’s kind of bummed so Julia Roberts takes a picture of her crying. Art! Later, Jude Law goes into a hilarious sex chat room called, like, London Super Sex Chat Internet, and pretends to be a woman (why? I guess because he is a writer? You know how writers are! Always on-line sex chatting as women! Don’t worry about it!) and sex chats Clive Owen, who is a doctor sex chatting in a hospital. Yuck.
“Paging Doctor Clive Owen to the Emergency Room, a man is drowning in barf!”
Anyway, Jude Law pretending to be a woman tells Clive Owen to meet him the next day at the aquarium (which is also the name of Jude Law’s book, because symbolism is precious, and God, and the bible) but when Clive Owen goes to the aquarium he meets Julia Roberts instead. RIGHT. Is this movie a documentary about normal things that happen? CUT TO A BUNCH OF MONTHS LATER. Now Clive Owen and Julia Roberts are dating. Everyone goes to Julia Roberts’s photo gallery opening. CUT TO A YEAR LATER (WHOA, SLOW DOWN!). Jude Law has been cheating on Natalie Portman with Julia Roberts, who now is married to Clive Owen. Classic love rectangle. So, Natalie Portman leaves. And Clive Owen leaves. Then Clive Owen sees Natalie Portman in a strip club. She is a stripper now. She looks great!
Cut to: uhh….I don’t know. Basically, Clive Owen makes Julia Roberts fuck him in exchange for signing the divorce papers, and that somehow makes Julia Roberts leave Jude Law to go back to Clive Owen, and in the meantime Clive Owen also fucked Natalie Portman, I guess, but now Jude Law is back with Natlie Portman, and they are going to go on vacation, but he’s like “did you fuck Clive Owen?” and basically not only are they not going on vacation anymore, but Natalie Portman stops loving him immediately, and she leaves London but her name was never Alice anyway, it was secretly Jane, and Clive Owen and Julia Roberts read at night before they go to sleep, and Jude Law is a lonely dumb-dumb. And all the guys in New York are like HELLOOO NATALIE PORTMAN, OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS!
Fun Fact: when this thing was a play, it won an award for Best Comedy. LOL?
I suppose it should be said that for as bad as this movie is, and for as much as I did not enjoy it at all, it was directed by Mike Nichols, and Mike Nichols earned a lifetime pass back in 1967 when he directed The Graduate. Lucky for him, because he has needed to use that pass! But he has it. So congratulations, Mike Nichols, as far as you are concerned, we’re all done here.
Now, I don’t know why they turned a comedic play into an intensely serious movie. Interesting choice! Luckily (luckily?), they didn’t get rid of any of that classic insufferable theatrical dialogue. At one point, Clive Owen and Julia Roberts are verbally sparring, and he says “you forget that you’re dealing with a clinical observer of the human carnivore,” and she responds, “you seem more like the cat who got the cream, you can stop licking yourself,” and he says, “that is the cruelest thing you’ve ever said to me.” BURN? I bet that is a killer burn. I’m going to go back to college and figure out what the fuck the two of them are even talking about, and then I am going to laugh and laugh, I’m sure.
But the thing that bothered me the most about this movie was actually the thing that bothers me about almost all movies about love triangles and infidelities, and that is the obnoxious self-absorption and the narcissistic pride in people who have cheated on others or been cheated on by others. There is something about these types of stories that is so satisfied with really getting into what “life” is all “about.” Except that that’s not what life is all about. I mean, it happens, a lot even, but life is about a lot of other things too. It is a justification to the people who cheat, as in “we are all human and therefore your miserable and disrespectful behavior can be chalked up to the silly quirks of our natures,” and it is also a justification to the people who want to wallow in the personal misery of what was done to them. Love triangle dramas are basically stoner comedies. There is something in your life that you think gives you a better understanding of the world, and that grants you access to an exciting club. Except that you don’t know anything more about life, you’re just as hurt and confused as everyone else, and your club is self-destructive, solipsistic, and stupid. You should get a better club!
Whatever. It’s another case of miserable people being miserable in your face for two hours. Which I guess reflects something about the human condition or whatever. It’s just a really boring and annoying reflection. “Well, sometimes life is boring and annoying.” True enough! But it is also short. Enough of this thing.
Next Week: an announcement of the next round of nominees! Get them in while you can!
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I nominate either movie written and/or directed by Alan Ball, so American Beauty or Towelhead will do. His tv work is ok, so I guess he saves his horribleness exclusively for films.
Also…
Hamlet 2
Art School Confidential
The Net
Gothika
Yes!!! Hamlet 2 is the worst! Of all time!
Ohmygod Art School Confidential. I had forgotten completely about that movie, or else blocked it out…perfect nomination. it reached new levels of TERRIBLE.
Towelhead is, indisputably, THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN.
I liked American Beauty fine, but your other nominations are amazing! Hamlet 2 (AAAAAA++++++ EBAYER!!!!!!1!!!1 WILL BUY AGAIN!!)
there is no denying this movie would have been better or worse whilst baked.
denying obviated.
“going to go back to college”?!!!!?????!!
OMG GABE, YOU WENT TO COLLEGE?
Sure he did! Of course, back then, they called it “The Army.”
Who called it ‘The Army?’ The dinosaurs?
Gabe. The Brothers Bloom. Please. Reasons: 1. Quirky girl love interest 2. Ridiculously confusing and overzealous plot 3. Vagina flasher from Babel has a large (mostly non speaking because she doesn’t speak English very well and everyone knows it) role 4. Adrien Brody 5. Period costumes in a modern day movie 6. You know the script and things 5. Implied sexual abuse mentioned but never dealt with in any way, shape or form.
Oh my… Uh, I’m glad I held out so long, is one way of putting it…
So this is great: She had a habit, when she saw me hesitating before a perilous life decision about jobs or money or moving, of leaning right into my face and saying, “Jump.” I always thought that was zero help, and now I know it ALSO turns out to be exactly what one of the horrible people says in this movie to convince one of the other horribles to do something big (in their case, cheat).
So! For one girl out there, lessons were learned, and applied! Conversation lessons.
It’s late. I’m going to sleep, to have nightmares.
Ugh, super-annoying — why didn’t this appear as a reply to myself above?
Whatever Works
Deja Vu
Fun with Dick and Jane. Please! It resonates during our recessionary time because of how sad it is when the upper middle class lose their jobs and have to steal in order to keep living in mansions! It’s fucking atrocious! Jim Carrey!
I never get to these things fast enough to make a difference, but “The Shape of Things” is a special kind of Worst.
I second that nomination. “The Shape of Things” reeks of a film student’s project, and made me completely loathe something with Paul Rudd in it (even more than “The Object of My Affection”).
“fuck off and die you fucked up slag” is the best line from this movie, maybe from clive owen’s career. the criticism of the movie makes sense to me, but i did see the play before the movie came out, and was very impressed at the time. for those who liked the film, i would recommend reading the script for the play. and the ending is different in the play.
FAILURE TO LAUNCH for the hunt. such a terrible movie.
Any movie containing the line
“That’s the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag.”
should be exempt from WMOAT consideration. Period.
Kate and Leopold. It’s by far the most anti-feminist, unwatchable piece of claptrap in existence. Plus you get to see when Meg Ryan’s face first started to melt.
The Shadow.
Seriously you guys.
Me. I’m the guy who likes “The Shadow.”
Ugh, but the book was so bad! SO BAD!
Author: “This book is a great big metaphor about how BLIND and ISOLATED we all are in our daily lives. GET IT. Here, let me illustrate it constantly through exceedingly transparent plot devices. What, you still don’t get it? Here, let me literally explain it to you for a while. Now do you get it?”
Ugh x 1000
Um, so this was supposed to be a response to a previous comment, but I suck and it’s not. DOWNVOTED.
P.S. I was talking about Blindness, a book which is awful.
I actually really liked Closer. It’s not perfect and you have perfectly reasonable criticisms of it but it’s not even close to the worst movie of all time. I found the acting was well done and the emotions portrayed by the movie fit very well with emotions that can be felt in real relationships sometimes.
Simply Irresistible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also…Oprah interviewed Julia and Nat Port after this movie came out and Julia was all like “it was so brave of her (Nat Port Port) to play such a daring role. I don’t think I’d be brave enough to take on such a role (right.)” The women made her career on playing a prostitute. And Port was all like my pink wig totally rocks your yellow wig! And Oprah was all like “Everyone is friends on my show you best be behaving!” Awesome.
I’ve been nominating Chasing Amy for several weeks now and I will continue to do so until Gabe enters it in the hunt or I get lazy. Don’t test me, Delahaye.
I highly recommend considering Killer Clowns from Outer Space. I’m not sure if I’d nominate it for best or worst of all time but it’s definitely one of those two.
Cotton candy cocoons.
Good Luck Chuck and (for future rounds) The Box. Whoa man, The Box was bad!
dear gabe and other hilarious haters (i mean no disrespect, by such a title…you hate on things in a very funny way), stop wasting your time with movies like Closer and Rachel Getting Married, they have far to much redeeming qualities to be on “the list”. I just watched Godzilla…the 1998 version. If you want your list to be legit, don’t just hate the ones you thought weren’t “cool”, hate the ones that leave you wanting to rethink the life choices that led you to sitting through the whole thing. Think more: “Shoot ‘em Up”, less “Across the Universe.”
Tearing apart movies that are universally recognized as bad is neither fun to write nor amusing to read. Tearing apart movies that are widely perceived, or at least marketed, to be good is both (see also the WMOAT manifesto).
across the universe made me rethink all of humanity and our ability to create such terribleness in the world.
I nominate Revolutionary Road, massively overrated. It’s bad like Closer is bad, too theatrical.
I wasn’t sure what to nominate..then it came to me last night like a fever dream:
THE MEXICAN
I am gratified to see so many Samuel L. Jackson nominations. I think it is about time to recognize that no matter how much we like Pulp Fiction, Samuel L. Jackson is basically the black Nicolas Cage. Dead eyes. Expressing emotions by changing voice volume. You know.
And my nomination is “Rules of Engagement” in which a slimy NSA guy tries to railroad an honorable soldier because nobody appreciates soldiers or ever gives them the benefit of the doubt. So many of these movies but this one was obviously trying to be good, and failed miserably. Thanks, culture war of the ’90s! You were right! We should just invade everywhere without thinking about it too much or we hate the troops! We have to be willing to make the tough calls if we want to protect our freedom. (Or is it “freedoms” now? I think it changed right around the time we were burning all those Dixie Chicks CDs.)
I’d like to nominate ENVY. I saw this for free and that wasn’t free enough. My friends and I walked out. Talk about dreadful…
I def agree that city of angels should be reviewed.
I will throw these two nominees in once more, as both reviews would yield incredible gifs and terrific observations:
The Notebook
Planet of the Apes Remake starring Mark Wahlberg (hey ape, how’s it going? say hi to your mother for me, okay?)
There are problems with the characters not being sympathetic, but I think that was the point of the movie. Each character seems to gain dominance only to fall back into being subservient again. There is a great scene at the end, where Owen is back with Roberts, and Law comes in all sniveling and groveling, and Owen rips him apart in a scathing speech. If you hate Jude Law, it’s basically like watching someone (Clive Owen) say all the things to him you wish you could say. Worth it.
Nominations: The Patriot, Independence Day, The Box, Saving Private Ryan (after the first 15 minutes), Mod Squad, Deception, ENVY (I got your back!), COLD MOUNTAIN, please.
i don’t understand how duets hasn’t been recapped yet. just because the search would be over, right?
Heath Ledger’s The Order, which I love.
Also, Bill Paxton’s Frailty, which I once loved, but love no longer.
I was going to write a thing about how modern theater is perceived as “gay” in our society, but then I read about how it was new round of movie nominees and I wanted to say:
ENVY starring Jack Black and Ben Stiller. I swear, watch it and you will cry blood. PLEASE. You have done failed awful comedy before, but you have never done failed awful comedy so poorly executed or ill-conceived.
AND THE MUSIC!! Oh GOD, they had all their own MUSIC written (?) and performed for the movie!
Surely The Notebook’s time has come.
i can’t see the photo i posted. though there is little confusion over how terrible gwyneth paltrow is, i don’t think i have ever seen one photo demonstrate it so clearly. attempt 2:
uhh this was supposed to be in reply to my earlier comment re: duets. i’m becoming my mother!
WATER WORLD – is a terribly awful movie
and pretty much anything with Keanu Reeves
WATER WORLD – is a terribly awful movie
and pretty much anything with Keanu Reeves
But Black Dynamite, I was in a community theater production of Our Town!
The Postman
Perfect Stranger. Huh you say? Stars Halle Berry and Bruce Willis.
Laughably bad. Worst I’ve seen awhile. You’ll enjoy ripping it apart.
And Surfer Dude took me three tries. Title says it all.
i love you Gabe, but i dont think I can agree with on Closer. Like Crash, i fucking love it. SORRYZ. but that part about ‘main characters revealing themselves to be too stupid to not just get hit by a car’ was heavy on the LOLz.
for the next batch of WMOAT, ill have to ONCE again nominate Dogma. the shittiest movie of all time. please and thank you.
i love you Gabe, but i dont think I can agree with on Closer. Like Crash, i fucking love it. SORRYZ. but that part about ‘main characters revealing themselves to be too stupid to not just get hit by a car’ was heavy on the LOLz.
for the next batch of WMOAT, ill have to ONCE again nominate Dogma. the shittiest movie of all time (next to Elizabethtown)(NEVER FORGET) please and thank you.
Wait wait wait! Have we done Garden State yet?
How Mike Nichols really got his lifetime pass:
nearly all of the movies mentioned are heavy contenders, but I’d like to throw in Rules of Attraction-the adaption of the Bret Easton Ellis novel with James Van der Beek, Jessica Biel, and the girl who had an orgasm from rose petals in 40 Days and 40 Nights. The move is billed as a “dark comedy” and “scathing satire”, but sorry Mr. Ellis, this is just bat shit crazy.
Prrof: For the DVD Commentary, no one associated with the film wanted to do it, so they just hired Carrot Top. CARROT TOP WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD DO IT.
Is it too late to nominate Gigantic for the Hunt? Paul Dano is 28 and wants to adopt a Chinese baby. Even while banging Zooey Deschanel. Right. And he’s being stalked by a homeless Zach Galifianakis. It’s terrible. I don’t think any of its 8 plot lines were resolved. Terrible terrible movie.
I nominate Wild Wild West with Will Smith. Any movie with mechanical spiders (which were very prominent in the 19TH CENTURY!!!! (Wait – what?)) should automatically have a place in the top five.
While we’re at it, I’ve got a list that, while it does not involve mechanical spiders, DOES showcase some really terrible moviemaking:
Eyes Wide Shut
Monster’s Ball
Milk
Mulholland Falls
Nine (the animated atrocity that came out this summer). SPOILER ALERT: the creepy inventor dude’s different rag-doll personalities want to FUCK EACH OTHER!
Old School
A Knight’s Tale (the only movie I have ever walked out of)
the other night i was having a conversation with a friend about great comic books (i know, i know, i’m a dork, whatever) and it struck me: FROM HELL. i think i had actually blotted the experience of seeing that out of my psyche. it was atrocious. johnny depp plays an opium addicted investigator who is on the jack the ripper case, and he gets real high all the time so he can have visions about who the next victim is. and he falls in love with heather graham. who is a prostitute and supposed to be jack’s next victim. and, surprise, she can’t even play that role realistically. as i remember it was pretty long and stopped making sense about 15 minutes in.
Fingers crossed so hard that it isn’t too late to make it in this round, but I believe the Halle Berry/Sharon Stone vehicle Catwoman should really be dealt with.
seriously, halle berry is the female robin williams
…yeah…Closer sucks to anyone who can’t ejaculate just by looking at a scantily clad Natalie Portman…and for those people, meet Hotel Chevalier, the short film preceeding The Darjeeling Limited…another way to make a good actress do a shitty boring role and lose appeal.
Damn I like this film O_o
This movie was so horrendous, I’ve actually put off even reading this “review” because I didn’t wanna be faced with the horredicity of this movie. The three times I had split-second emotional responses to this film were overshadowed by the liberal use of “raw” and “sobering” to describe this movie when it first came out. All I saw were gross and grossly pathetic people who didn’t grow up. Unless hardcore sex chat sites really ARE where you go to find a faithful, upstanding husband on whom you won’t cheat with a failed everything played by Jude Law. And also kudos to Natalie Portman for taking on such a raw and sobering role. Now whenever I see her she just looks like the Herp.
Sidebar: “your club is self-destructive, solipsistic, and stupid” – I think you already went to college. And I couldn’t have said it better myself.