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Carrie Prejean turned the video camera off, put on some clothes, and stepped out of her house. It was a beautiful day outside. The air smelled like apples, and the late morning light hit the world in just such a way. Next door, a milk man was making his deliveries. Carrie Prejean waved.
“Hi, asshole!” the milk man said, waving back with one hand as he set some milk with a clink on the neighbor’s porch.
Just then a paper boy rode by on his bike, tossing papers left and right, his baseball hat cocked jauntily to the side. “You are an asshole!” he yelled behind him, the playing cards in his spokes filling the air with a rat-a-tat, rat-a-tat.
Carrie Prejean ignored the paper boy, and held her head high as she walked to her car. She was very proud of herself for some reason. An old man in a pastel nylon jogging suit powerwalked down the sidewalk, purple wrist-weights around his wrists, an Aiwa walkman clipped to his pants, and a fanny pack strapped to his waist. “ASSHOLE!” he shouted, pointing a finger at Carrie Prejean. Then he was gone, his arms swinging wildly.
Everywhere she went that day, Carrie Prejean was told that she was an asshole. The young man working at the coffee shop where she got her coffee called her a “venti asshole.” A new mother carrying her baby in a sling across her chest looked down at her pink child and asked “do woo see an asshole? Do woo? Yes, woo see a bwig asshole!” Some children playing patty-cake stopped momentarily, and when they resumed they were playing something called “asshole-cake.”
And all day, Carrie Prejean smirked and showed her teeth and it was hard to tell if there was even anything in her head.
Obviously, a couple of people did not tell Carrie Prejean that she was an asshole. Her mother, who called to ask Carrie a question about an upcoming visit home, didn’t call Carrie Prejean an asshole, although she did say “I love you, assh–” before catching herself. A dog whose leash was tied to a parking meter in front of a nail salon didn’t bark out the word “asshole” (although another dog whose leash was tied to a parking meter in front of a jewelry store, did. “Assharooooooooooo,” the dog said).
A little girl tugged on Carrie Prejean’s dress. “I’m lost, can you help me, you are an asshole,” the little girl said. Carrie Prejean helped the girl find her mother, who was browsing a sale at the shoe store. “Oh my God, Jenny, where have you been?” the mother said to the little girl, her voice a mix of panic and relief. “Thank you, you fucking asshole,” the mother said. “Thank you for finding my little girl, you complete shithead stupid asshole.”
It slowly occurred to Carrie Prejean that a lot of people were calling her an asshole, but she didn’t know what to think. Ever. But also now. She called her lawyer. “Everyone is calling me an asshole,” she said.
“Yes,” the lawyer said.
Carrie Prejean didn’t know what to say next, so she held the phone away from her face and smiled at it. The lawyer waited for a few minutes for Carrie Prejean to say something else, but eventually he hung up. He had lawyer work to do. Carrie Prejean called back. “Everyone is calling me an asshole,” Carrie Prejean said.
“You said that already, asshole.”
Again, there was silence. But the lawyer could hear Carrie Prejean breathing. It sounded like crying. It might have just been crying, actually. Finally, Carrie Prejean said, “I don’t know anything.” Close enough.
“Look,” the lawyer said, “the reason people are calling you an asshole, Carrie, is because of your incredibly ignorant beliefs, and the pride you seem to be taking in being so dumb and awful. You wear your ignorance and your bigotry like a badge of honor, and that’s just the worst. Also, why the FUCK did you write a book.” Of course, lawyers don’t usually talk to their clients this way, but Carrie Prejean’s lawyer knew he could get away with it because of how stupid Carrie Prejean was. Although, she was also incredibly self-absorbed and had this weird self-worth that no one could explain, so it was always a risk. But in the end stupid won out.
“I didn’t write the book,” Carrie Prejean said. “A ghost wrote the book.”
The lawyer told her to just hang in there and called her an asshole in a kind of slightly nicer voice, but Carrie Prejean didn’t hear him, because she had put the phone into her vagina. Carrie Prejean wished she had her video camera.
Carrie Prejean frowned. She was standing in front of a tree. “I’m going to leave your show,” she said to the tree. “You are being very inappropriate.” The tree stood silently, it was a tree after all. But the wind blew through the trees leaves, and if you listened closely it sounded like “ahhhhhhhhh,” “ssssssssssssssssss,” “hoooooooooooooooooo,” “le.”
Carrie Prejean would have taken off her mic, if she had been wearing a mic, but people don’t wear mics when they’re just outside. “I’m going to leave your show,” she told the tree again. “I’m leaving now.” She stood there and looked at the tree. It got dark. Carrie Prejean looked at that tree. “I’m going to leave your show.” An hour passed. “What?” Carrie Prejean asked. She stared at the tree.
Eventually she died of over-exposure.
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The tree thought to itself, “Can you hear me, asshole?”
To which Carrie Prejean said “no.”
bravo.
A CURSE UPON YOU, “You have already voted on this item” POP UP! I NEED TO UPVOTE THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN!
I posted this earlier today, but this gif (which I did not make) is too funny not to repost.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Best yet. I’m a sucker for a happy ending.
Can you tag this one, Good Idea Prejeans?
I don’t get it. Did all those people think she was an asshole? That’s inappropriate.
Assharooooooooooo!!!
Maybe if we all stop believing Carrie Prejean is a person worth spending our already limited energies on, her orange skill will turn translucent, her neon white teeth clear, her dead eyes limpid, her outsized entitlement vapory, and then we will realize that there is no such thing as Carrie Prejean on Larry King Live’s set, only a black wall with brite lite dots shaped like continents, and the faint ssss noise of microphoned air. Better.
I liked the part where she put the phone into her mouth.. I mean vagina.
You know that this “Assholegate” (as I like to call it) is only going to get Carrie her own show. I mean it’s 2009 aka “The Year Unfunny Assholes Get Their Own Show”. We’ve already got Leno, Dunham, George Lopez, and Wanda Sykes. She’s just a couple of puppets and a showroom full of cars away from TNT LATE NITE.
Hey Wanda Sykes is cool
Wanda Sikes isn’t an asshole! Her humor is usually hit-or-miss, IMO, but she seems like a nice lady and a great role model for LGBT youth.
Well I saw a clip of her on an ad for Leno (I swear I wasn’t watching!) and she was all “Now facebook wants me to be ‘friends’ with people? I haven’t talked to you since fifth grade, why would I want to be FRIENDS with you?” And I was like, “Oh Wanda, that joke was soooo funny in 2004.”
So maybe not an asshole, but still not very funny.
Yeah, I don’t know what these people are talking about but Wanda is terrible.
when she did the correspondent’s dinner and wished aloud that rush limbaugh’s kidneys fail i lolled heavily. Wanda Sikes is great.
“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of assholes.”
-Thomas Jefferson
Turns out, some trees are actually big fans of pageants. Carrie Prejean wouldn’t know this because she assumes that whenever a tree opens its filthy tree mouth it’s to call her an asshole. So she just stands there and speaks to the tree as if it’s still in the nursery, doing inappropriate things to the other little trees, when, in reality, that tree has been on this earth for longer than she can even imagine. Because that tree is Larry King. And that tree is too old for this shit. Count the rings, bitch.
This time Gabe didn’t make this up. It all really happened.
Gabe… Take this post down.You’re being inappropriate.
And then Tom Cruise found her body and he said, “I’m gonna call you an asshole, just in case there are any gay people here.”
I didn’t see the “Prejean” when I glanced at the title and thought it was about me
Today, someone said “Carrie is a moron” and I was prepared to get all ninja on their ass and then I realized they weren’t talking about you.
This was such a satisfying read. I was just like “YES! Yes!” cheering on.
“‘I’m lost, can you help me, you are an asshole,’ the little girl said.” > “His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.”
Gabe > James Joyce
Best new Character for the month of November.
Also, best YCMIU of the quarter.
best line, “A ghost wrote the book.”
I adapted the Full House theme for this story. “Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, even a tree. Everywhere you look, they call you asshole…”
“Carrie Prejean didn’t know what to say next, so she held the phone away from her face and smiled at it.”
Actually, if she had just stuck to this tactic, she wouldn’t be such an asshole. Pageant contestants should just stick to being vapid and not vapid AND bigoted (with sex tapes). “I don’t know why everyone hates me for being honest about my beliefs”. Um, the the right to say whatever asshole stuff you want is the same right we have to hate you for it.
No sarcastic commentary required:
“I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants.”
-Carrie Prejean, Christianity Today interview, Nov. 13, 2009
fuckin stupid ass BETCHHHHHHHHHH! if i were stranded alone on an island with only her amateur videos and decided to go lesbian, i STILL wouldn’t watch them. and from CALI, which is not a Republican state.
in other similar DUMB BITCH re-caps, do y’all remember Miss Teen South Carolina
WHY terrorists hate US